thenearshore | this is fine

Hmm, I hope not. How long am I supposed to behave like this?

[He laughs, joking (mostly). He doesn't mind if she ends up needing to stay for a while longer, so long as she stays safe. But it definitely is different. He'll have to remember to be less lewd. For now, they have this cuddle time, and he snuggles that last inch or two closer to kiss his nose.] You're very sweet with her, so I don't mind watching.

[A less lewd lifestyle... this is why they can't actually adopt. Thirst level too high. Hazel accepts that nose kiss with a squeeze around Jae-Ha's waist and a little smile.]

I'm not much of a family man... I'm doin' what I can, that's all.

[This is really why they can't adopt. Jae-Ha continues with very slow, lazy kisses at Hazel's cheek, relaxing more than anything else.]

You're doing so well. [He just loves seeing Hazel be cute and caring, so. Family man or not aside...] Just holding me like this, I feel much better than before.

[And also, Jae-Ha is already enough of a baby to make like, five real babies!! So they don't need one.]

That so? Don't say it just to make me feel better if it ain't the whole truth. [Just making Sure...]

[Jae-Ha smiles still, pausing from all of these kisses so he can look at Hazel instead. From this close up, he can't see his whole face, just parts. His cheek, his lips, his nose. He likes it close like this.]

I really mean it. But if you let me go at some point tonight, I might wake up. [So, keep holding him. Hazel should be able to feel that the sad feelings are significantly less, so there!! Proof.] So long as you're by my side, we can get through anything. You think so too, don't you?

[Hmm, he's cute. Hazel is alright enough to think dumb cute things even after everything that happened tonight, so okay, he'll trust in this proof...]

I do, I do. Don't worry about that. I'm just lookin' after ya, that's all. [He'll hold him tight until every last one of those sad feelings goes away, indeed. He won't even have to worry about that, since he's probably not getting any sleep tonight, oops. At least he'll be concentrating on hugs first before anything else??]

[Hmm. Jae-Ha is more worried about Hazel than himself. He knows he barely gets any sleep, and he knows that what happened back there is Not Okay... But he has no idea what he can do. If he keeps fussing and apologizing, won't it make Hazel feel worse? He can't focus on these bad feelings right now. He needs to get through this so Hazel can get through this.]

What would I do without you? [He says that quietly, letting his eyes drift closed for the moment. He's exhausted, so he'll probably fall asleep fairly soon, but it won't be the best sleep.

He wakes up in the middle of the night with a falling sensation and no dream to accompany it. There's just a small jolt from him, and as an exhale slips out, he clutches at Hazel's shirt and blinks up at a face that he realizes is still awake. Worriedly and still sounding a little drowsy himself, he mumbles.]

You never get enough sleep. Have you gotten none at all?

[As promised, Hazel doesn't get any sleep at all. It's not for lack of trying - he just can't seem to stop thinking long enough to drift off, and after an hour or so he just gives up. He's worried about Jae-Ha, of course, and still not sure what to do with himself after the things he's done today. He doesn't for a moment think that he did something wrong, but, hmm. Losing control like that is... a concern, certainly.

It could be more concerning. It should be, but Jae-Ha is in his arms and if some second-rate ghost really intended to take that from him then it deserved what it got, no matter what face was painted on. Hazel blinks when Jae-Ha jolts and looks at him, then makes a thoughtful noise that is definitely not guilty about still being awake. Nooo...]

Well, I tried my very hardest, but I reckon that wasn't enough. I can just sleep through the mornin', probably.

[Ugh. He doesn't believe that he'll get any sleep in the morning at all. Jae-Ha shifts a little so he can pull back enough to see Hazel's face. Unlike all of his thoughts when first falling asleep, he can't stop himself from worrying right now. It makes his heart sink and he doesn't bother hiding his frown.]

Something else will come up, and you won't be able to. You know that. [This always ends up happening, it seems...] Talk to me, Hazel.

[Nooo, don't look at him like that. Hazel reaches up to pat his cheek, like that will stop this frowning.]

What, like breakfast? Give the lady some cereal and keep her busy for me and it'll be fine. [See... perfect plan. He'll give it a few seconds before he sighs.] Well, I've got no room left for remorse for doin' what I did to him, and I figure that ain't the best way to be.

[It's a good thing he fixes that quickly, because Jae-Ha was giving him a Look for the cereal comment. Like, cute, but also... feelings time. That makes sense, though, and Jae-Ha's expression stays solemn as he reaches up to cover Hazel's patting hand with his own.]

I can understand something like that. I don't like to kill, but if someone harmed you, that would be enough for me to tear them apart without a care. [It's not the Best, but... He sits up a little, lacing his fingers with Hazel's as he pulls the hand away from his face.]

You're not a bad person. A bad person doesn't worry about their lack of remorse.

[Uggggh feelings time, this is terrible. Hazel hates every feelings time because he hates feelings and wishes they would quit hassling him. Jae-Ha telling him all these things is nice - well, the sweet things about how he's not a bad person are nice, and the other things are fucked up but apparently they're both messed up in this same way, so, pros and cons. It's Hazel's turn to frown now.]

I don't think I've got any remorse left in me at all. Used all that up years ago, and now... [shhhhrug. Now he's just angry?? Oh.]

[That's... really sad. It's horrible to hear it put like that, and worst of all, Jae-Ha has no idea how to help. Sweet words can't take that away, and by being stuck in that situation and not strong enough to back up or jump away, he made Hazel face it directly.

He squeezes Hazel's hand tighter, a little too tight, glancing down between them.]

We're being made to face things we shouldn't have to deal with. You've had to deal with too much your whole life. [How does he fix this... he can't come up with anything.]

[Yeah, see, this is why he doesn't like feelings time. He blinks and seems to come back to himself a little to glance at their hands, like Jae-Ha's squeezing has drawn him back from whatever traumatic moment he was thinking about this time. There's a beat, before he manages a little smile.]

You're squeezin' too much, darlin'. [wiggles his fingers....] It'll pass by tomorrow, surely.

[He's Fine!!]

[Oh. Jae-Ha blinks in surprise down at their hands before he pulls his back, releasing Hazel from the death squeeze. He knows this isn't a fun talk, but he can't just ignore this. It wouldn't be any better to ignore this...]

This isn't something that just passes. [Ugh, maybe it's because he just woke up with a jolt thinking he was falling, but he's even more emotional now than he was earlier. He's holding it in, but that just makes the squeeze on his heart that's carried over and shared all the more dramatic. He wants to do something about this. He can't even feel Hazel's feelings!! Is he really anything besides a burden right now?

Ugh. He reaches out and leans back down, hugging Hazel.]

Have you realized how little you actually sleep? I don't know how you can carry on like you are. Not a single thing I've done has changed that. [He's been trying... in both lewd and pure ways, okay.]

[Jae-Ha is right, and unfortunately Hazel's first response to his problems has always been to ignore it until it comes back again later. That's worked for him this long, so why shouldn't he just ignore it again now and take care of Jae-Ha, like he wants to, and forget about it? Those shared feelings tug unpleasantly at his heart, and he just wants...

Well, no more feelings time. For starters. But that's not happening, apparently.]

I get by. [He'd be more defensive about this if they weren't pressed so close and if Jae-Ha wasn't the only person whose feelings he really cares about here. He's done okay...] It's been better since you've been stayin' with me, honest. I'm not just sayin' so.

[He shifts to wiggle his arm around Jae-Ha again, since it's been released. Hmm...] Y'know, I'm doin' better than I was.

[Is this helping??]

[Look, feelings time is important!! Especially when you've never addressed your feelings your entire life. Jae-Ha wishes Hazel had a better life. He wishes he didn't have to deal with all that he did as a child, and all that he's dealing with now... He really feels like he could cry right now, just because he's so worried about him. Doing better or not, Jae-Ha hasn't helped enough, he feels like. What good is this leg if he can't help the person he loves the most?? He couldn't even use it when he needed to.]

I believe you. [His voice cracks a little, and he turns to bury his face into Hazel's neck, squeezing a tiny bit tighter. It's just not enough. He can't figure out how to do more and it's not enough...

Hazel might get annoyed and think it's fine, but this isn't fair to him at all. He shouldn't have to live dealing with all of this!! Built up feelings of listening to all that Hazel deals with, as well as all of the people who do know Hazel appearing out of the woodwork with cruel comments and jabs— it's just all piled up. Jae-Ha wants to carry him away from all of it.]

[Oh- oh no, no, don't be this sad. Hazel holds him closer, raising a hand to smooth his hair at the back of his head and frown past him at the wall. He knows he has problems, but he's more concerned with Jae-Ha being so upset like this... maybe if he dealt with his business, this wouldn't be a problem? What a thought.

But that's hard, and for right now all he feels like doing is holding tight to Jae-Ha until they can balance out the mood here into something lighter again. He sighs, but he's tired of the situation more than he's annoyed at Jae-Ha, so there's that.] I'm alright... Don't go thinkin' you're not good for me, because that simply ain't the case.

[Is this helping... See, feelings time just makes Jae-Ha more upset, it's dangerous. Hazel doesn't want him to be this sad, especially about his own... whatever, but it's not really inspiring him to keep talking about his feelings. An impasse.]

It's not as bad as you're thinkin', I swear. I'm just rememberin' this and that, that's all. [But it's Sad, and Jae-Ha is already Sad......]

Edited 2016-12-25 04:01 (UTC)

Let me worry about you.

[Jae-Ha says that first, taking in a shaky breath to keep himself pulled together as he relaxes more into this hug. Maybe he's lying more on top of Hazel than next to him, compared to before, but he wants to be as close as possible and gravity only helps with that.]

You're lowering your importance by saying that it's not that bad. You can't sleep? You spend your time worrying about me instead of yourself? You're already burdened with my death and this new life of mine. I won't forgive myself for adding to those troubles.

[So much melodrama at probably like 2am... His fingers curl into Hazel's shirt where they're wrapped around him.] I want to push for you to tell me what you're remembering, but I don't know if I'll only make you feel worse. Aside from how I've already done that now...

[Ah squished by a sad lizard... Hazel blinks, making a noise that's almost the start of a vague objection to that before Jae-Ha keeps talking. He's making himself less important, what? Since when? Of course he's not doing that, he's—being realistic, or something like it.]

I didn't say all that... [Like, in his defense, he didn't tell Jae-Ha not to worry, just that he's not as bad as he could be. It's subtly different!! He threads his fingers into Jae-Ha's hair now, to hold him even more securely and just spend a moment appreciating the comfortable warmth of Jae-Ha lying on him. Hmm.] I love you, Jae-Ha. You're not bein' a burden just gettin' upset. I know how it seems.

[Like, that he's a mess... he is. That's true. He's quiet after that, thinking... he probably should share, but uggghh.]

Well, there's nothin' for it, I guess. [SIGH...] I told ya Gat's not exactly livin', but did I tell ya that I'm the one who did it?

[yaaay surprise at 2am]

I love you, too.

[He makes a small noise that's something of an apology at all of this. He can't sleep knowing that Hazel is next to him, getting no shut eye at all. Not after he flipped out like that back there. He can't forget it... And he doesn't want Hazel to try and brush past it, either. So here they are, feelings—

And now this. He blinks, lessening his squeezing just enough so that it doesn't start to get uncomfortable for Hazel.]

You didn't. What happened?

[Feelings continue to suck, thanks. Even if he could sleep, Jae-Ha's sad little heart would probably wake him up anyway, but he won't say that... that's mean. He shrugs, barely, since he's still squished under a sad lizard here.]

It wasn't— He got in the way. It wasn't meant to be him, and I fixed what I did wrong, but his folks wouldn't take him back like he was. So that's why he's been with me all this time.

[Hazel, the Abridged Series]

[Slowly, Jae-Ha will slide over to hug him from the side instead of squishing him. He's probably too tall to keep doing this for too long.

But ah... they wouldn't take him back? That's so sad. So even if he had his ability, it didn't matter, or that's how Hazel must have viewed it. He can only imagine.]

He wouldn't go with you if he blamed you at all for what happened, I'm sure.

[It's looking him in the eye every day after doing what he did, on top of everything else. Gat is probably an actual saint, but he'd definitely refuse that, too... what a jerk.

How dare he.]

I reckon that's so, but it doesn't change what I've done.

...I'm not trying to say that it isn't wrong, or that you should feel nothing after doing that. But if you can realize that it doesn't change what you've done, then you're addressing it in the right direction, I think.

[Does that make any sense... Is that comforting at all? Probably not. He's not very good at this, still. Sometimes he can end up lucking out, but right here... He has no idea how to handle it. He just knows his feelings.]

Is that what you were thinking of when I was sleeping?

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