thenearshore | [CLOSED]

Jakob on the other hand has never expected an apology, too busy as he is brooding over recent events and his recently acquired memories, which make the context of their mission all the more poignant.

Moving on will never be easy, even for someone who has already died, it seems. And he is so lost in his own thoughts that he almost doesn’t register the small talk.

“What?” he starts, absently, not seeming to mind the suddenness of the conversation, at least until he follows it up: “Oh, truly? Then perhaps I should stop switching out your tea for sewage water.”

Under normal circumstances this would turn into another round of their usual banter, but instead there's a slight wince before Add goes quiet again, unsure of how to proceed. Now he's sure Jakob is still mad at him. Maybe he should've stuck to his original plan...

"... I never asked you to make me anything," he mutters after a long stretch of silence, eyes focused on his feet. "You... don't have to do anything you don't want to do."

So if he'd rather serve a different god... he only has to ask. Even if the idea of Jakob leaving him makes his chest ache in a strange and uncertain way, Add won't stop him. It would be easier on both of them.

He opens his mouth again, I'm sorry at the edge of his tongue, and— "We should focus on the mission. We're almost there." ... he totally chickens out at the last second. This is hell on his nerves. He needs more time to prepare himself before he does something truly embarrassing.

Add tries to walk a little faster, eager to arrive at their destination.

Perhaps he’d been too hard on him…acting like they can carry on as usual seems to have the opposite effect on his master, which troubles him. After dealing with over three weeks of being avoided despite his best efforts to be his shinki, well…he’d gone from being offended at having been snubbed to just…lonely.

And there Add goes again, acting like Jakob would even want to do anything but serve him, but then again, he hadn’t behaved in the most loyal fashion toward his master even before his leg was broken. He’s willing to take his punishment in stride, except—

Except Add goes and changes the subject and walks briskly away, forcing Jakob to cut off his own reply and follow quickly. The sooner they deal with this prayer, the sooner they can deal with each other.

Finally, he spots a guy huddled on a sidewalk, looking altogether despondent. Considering that the one who had made the prayer in question had apparently lost his recent address…

He feels a sharp pang stab through him as he regards the man, the memory of his own parents’ abandonment still fresh in his mind when he ventures, “Please stand aside. I’ll take care of him.”

Avoiding Jakob has had the unfortunate side effect of leaving Add to his own imagination when it comes to his shinki's feelings. Even if Jakob hasn't done anything to suggest he wants to leave, it's hard to believe that when he can sense his unhappiness. Add's paranoia won't allow him to accept the obvious answer. Jakob never really liked Add when they were both shinki, why would that change just because he's Jakob's god now...?

He's already preparing himself for the worst. This may be the last prayer the two of them do together.

Add slows to a stop once they reach their target, frowning at the man sitting on the sidewalk. The prayer he left them was something about losing everything and wanting a sign...

If Jakob wants to take control of the situation, he's welcome to. Add doesn't say anything, but he takes a slight step back to give his shinki some more space. The least he can do is let Jakob do his job properly before they go their separate ways.

It likely doesn’t help that Jakob isn’t even willing to admit that he at least cares for Add to himself, but why attempt adult communication at all when you can act like a stubborn idiot all the way through instead?

Jakob clears his throat, startling the man who up until that point had dismissed him as one among the many passerby on this street, who try their best to ignore him just as he steadfastly refuses to acknowledge them. When you’re brought to the lowest point in your life, after all, the most anyone would want to do is quietly pass out of public notice.

Yet here this stranger stands before him now, clad in some kind of fancy outfit, looking down upon him with a decidedly stern expression.

“You there,” Jakob begins, without further ado. “You seem to be in a bad way. Perhaps you’d care to explain yourself?”

Nailed it.

Well, it's at least no worse than what Add's strategy would've been. The man looks a bit startled, glancing around in confusion before finally managing to focus on the two oddly dressed strangers. "I'm not in the way, am I? I can, uh, move my... stuff."

There's not much to move. Just a couple of hastily packed boxes on the ground next to him, which was everything he could carry at the time. He slouches a little heavier at the thought.

"What's there to explain? I've got nowhere else to go, man. The money's all gone, I can't afford a roof over my head, not even my folks'll take me back... maybe they were right about me, I really am a stupid good-for-nothing. I can't get anything right..."

He's obviously pretty depressed. Add stays quiet, a certain familiarity ringing in the man's words.

That stern expression of his visibly softens at that—not by much, but just enough that it would be missed by those more used to his usual demeanor.

“I…remember,” he says at last, just as startled at himself for even saying those dreaded two words. “I remember when I was in the same place as you are now.” Abandoned, faced with an uncertain future, and having to do so at the most grim and imposing castle he’d ever seen. “Krakenburg” he thinks it was called, and he remembers that more than he remembers the names and faces of the people who’d abandoned him to his fate—his so-called parents.

The man, predictably, doesn’t know what to make of that confession, safe to mutter his condolences, which Jakob barely even hears as he looks over the man’s belongings critically. This won’t do. This won’t do at all.

“As hard as it is to believe, at least one difficult chapter of your life is now over.”

For a moment Add is caught off-guard by Jakob's words. Is he talking about when Roxas disappeared? ... No, that doesn't seem right. The way he said it has as much meaning as the words themselves. Did Jakob remember something from his past life?

He wants to ask, but now doesn't seem like a good time, and... maybe he shouldn't be asking anyway. He folds his arms, staring off at nothing in particular to avoid staring at his shinki.

"... Even if things get difficult, it doesn't do you any good to just give up," he adds after some deliberation. "Don't let anyone else tell you what you're good for. You're the only one who gets to decide that."

Giving up was never an option for him back then anyway. No matter how well or poorly he did, it would always be the same... people like that aren't worth trying to please.

“Precisely,” Jakob agrees, little realizing that for once he and Add are in sync. And he goes on, his tone of voice getting increasingly more heated: “And what good are your parents if they would treat you in such a manner? Forget them, I say, and make your own fate! What sort of man are you that you would sit idle in a corner instead making something of yourself?!”

He doesn’t remember it, but a much younger Jakob would have realized that often hard work alone wasn’t enough to get by. Their man apparently understands this, for he’s shrinking back as Jakob continues on his tirade.

Add frowns, noticing the man's discomfort and realizing that maybe Jakob is getting a bit too heated. So of course the solution is for him to step in and offer more specific advice. He clears his throat, giving his follower a stern look.

"If making a large amount of progress at once is too daunting, start with planning the initial steps and work your way up to the goal you want to achieve. If you don't have anywhere to stay, you can start by finding short-term shelter—look for any available place where you'll be reasonably protected from the elements, or try mooching off a friend if you have any." (He means well, really, even if that sounds more like a low blow to a guy who's already down.)

"As for these parents of yours..." He pauses, considering his words more carefully for this one. It's always a delicate subject for him, especially since he feels like this person might share some similarities with his own childhood. What's something he wishes he'd known sooner...?

"If that's what they think about you... you don't need to think any more highly of them. When people say that all parents love their children, they're either lying or delusional. Some people can only think of themselves. Don't waste any more of your time on them if they can't even treat you with respect."

Jakob, not one to be outdone, returns that stern look before butting in: “That is precisely what I was going to say. Forget about your parents and make your own path in life! You are starting off from a blank slate, after all, and you will need to focus all your energies on turning your life around.”

But then he pauses, considering. “Well, perhaps your parents are of little use to you now, but surely you must have someone to fixate on? Someone who will give meaning to your life and encourage you to push harder!”

Someone like a god—although Jakob isn’t thinking of it, nor does he recall that his success as a butler in his previous life had been that nigh-unhealthy fixation he’d nurtured on another person.

“Living for yourself will not be enough, I say! You must find someone to dedicate all your efforts to posthaste!”

Even if Jakob isn't thinking of it, Add certainly is. Someone to fixate on...? Is that the reason why he's still trying to serve him? Add steals a quick glance at his shinki, hesitating.

"... Living for someone else won't make you happy. You're more likely to just run into the same problems," he says carefully, staring very pointedly at the confused man on the sidewalk instead of his shinki. "Humans are naturally selfish beings. You'll only get taken advantage of or hurt if you put too much trust in them. You should live for yourself, and only yourself."

Even if Add can't follow that rule himself. He used to live to bring his mother back, and now he's living to find Roxas again... but in the end, he's still being selfish. It wouldn't matter if they wanted to see him again or not, as long as he could still see them. He's only looking out for himself.

"And... if you do want to live for someone else," he ventures, still trying very hard not to look at the real person he's talking to, "it should be someone of your own choosing, not because of a blood relation or... some other assignment. And if that person isn't good for you, you can always change your mind. You don't have to stay loyal to someone who doesn't suit you."

Like a selfish god who would try to hurt his own shinki. Someone like that... doesn't deserve anyone's loyalty.

Jakob, completely oblivious now that he’s gone on this tirade, only bristles when Add interrupts him to contradict his advice. Leave it to Add to be contrary, as always.

“Of course I am not implying that you should dedicate yourself to just anybody,” he puts in, very pointedly not looking at Add himself. Unfortunately, this means that the poor homeless man he’s trying to help gets the worst of his temper.

“But having tangible goals in life is important, and you mortals are after all quite social beings! It’s only natural for you to want to attach yourself to someone. A home is not merely the roof above your head, but the people living inside of it! Hence you must aim high! There is no one to hold you back, man! Why not get off your sorry bum and actually fight for your right to live as you please?”

Ah... does that mean Jakob really is planning to leave? If there's no one to hold him back...

Add goes quiet again, shoulders sagging. Why didn't he just apologize sooner? If he'd just been a little kinder, a little more responsible... maybe they could've worked things out. He could've tried to be a better god. But now it already feels too late, and he's screwed everything up like he always does. There's no way Jakob would settle for him when there are so many other gods that could treat him better.

After they finish this prayer, Jakob will probably ask to be released. He won't get another chance to fix things.

"... He's right. You need to fight for the things you want, because— because if you don't, and you take them for granted, you'll end up losing everything all over again. If there's someone you care about you need to treat them right, you can't keep changing your mind and expecting them to come back to you. You don't always get second chances. And if you keep screwing it up and start pushing people away because you don't think you deserve it anymore, you'll..."

You'll end up alone again.

By now Add is practically yelling all of this at their unfortunate victim, his eyes starting to water—not because he's crying or anything, he's just really angry about this, that's all. Really, really angry about this poor homeless guy's situation.

The poor homeless guy is already shrinking back in terror, bewildered that these two strangers would come out of nowhere to lecture him on things that are, in truth, but marginally related to his situation at this point.

Jakob, for some reason, doesn’t realize that the situation is already going completely off the rails. His zeal is still paramount, unfortunately eclipsing his own master’s increasingly fragile mental state. All he’s noticing right now is the man’s fright and Add screwing things up like usual, ugh. What would’ve happened if he hadn’t tagged along for this prayer? It’s always up to him to issue damage control around here…

“Enough, Add,” he says at length, clicking his tongue when he realizes just how cowed the person they’re supposed to help seems to be. “I believe we’ve said all that needs to be said here.” What a failure of a prayer this has turned out to be, when they’re supposed to inspire hope in the man.

“And you,” he continues, addressing their quarry. “You think on what we’ve said and take appropriate action.” With a very dark glare, he adds, “I will personally return to supervise your progress.”

At first he shuts his mouth at Jakob's command, silently shaking with emotion as he continues to direct his own glares at his follower. It's obvious to him what Jakob really means--their prayer together is over. Next he'll be given no choice but to free Jakob of his burdensome name.

But something stirs in him. All this talk of fighting for the life you want... is it really too late to change things? Even if it might be easier to go their separate ways, he doesn't want Jakob to leave. Is he seriously just going to give up and let this happen?

Add curls his hands into tight fists, filled with a newfound determination. He finally turns his head to glare sharply at his shinki with blurred eyes.

"No, we're not done here yet," he growls, and with one last deep breath to prepare himself, "I know I haven't been the greatest god to you, and I can't blame you if you want to leave. I've been reckless, and inconsiderate, and selfish, and my actions nearly got you killed, and ever since then I've been too much of a coward to say anything about it. You're a far better shinki than I ever deserved, but it's still my fault for not trying hard enough. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, about everything, and for not apologizing to you properly until now. And if you want to leave, I'm still not going to stop you, but I refuse to revoke your name until I know who's taking you, so you'd better find someone good and worthy or you're going to be stuck with me until you do. Is that clear?!"

He finally stops yelling long enough to give Jakob a chance to speak, glaring and panting lightly. The prayer they cane here for has been all but forgotten at this point.

He’d been expecting some resistance from Add—some measure of contrariness that somehow doesn’t quite match up with how his master looks like he’s about to cry.

An uncomfortable silence passes between them for a few seconds before the homeless man makes a tentative “Um…,” prompting Jakob to snap out of his shock and raise his hand to silence the man. He doesn’t look away from Add, doesn’t turn his attention elsewhere, even as he continues to address the man:

“I will return here in a week. See that you have made progress by then. We are going home.”

And to Add he held out his hand, still maintaining his stern expression all the while: “Come along, Add. I fear we have much to discuss.”

He's not sure what to make of Jakob's response yet. It seems like he might listen to Add's request, but it's possible he's just preparing himself to dispute it... maybe he was planning to let Add down gently and this messed up his plans. If that's the case, good.

But standing around to discuss this in the streets doesn't seem like the best idea anyway, so he has no reason to refuse Jakob's suggestion of going home. He clicks his tongue, glancing to look at his follower one more time.

"Don't forget what we've learned here today," he chides. He'll probably have to come back to check on him as well...

He turns back to face Jakob, staring at the hand for a second before grabbing it with his own—though it's more like grabbing his wrist than holding his hand in any real sense. In an instant they've teleported back to the temple entrance. He lets go at the first opportunity, folding his arms across his chest.

"If you're going to try and argue, don't bother," he states firmly, having managed to calm down a little from before. It would be too awkward to try and wipe at his eyes right now, so instead he looks away. "Right now you're still my shinki, so I'm taking responsibility for you whether you like it or not."

As a matter of fact he is going to let Add down gently—well, maybe not so much the “gentle” part, but still. This is a lot to take in in one go, and while Jakob has always known that Add feels some remorse over the zombie incident, he hadn’t imagined that Add would feel so much guilt toward him, too…

Honestly, Jakob can’t help but feel a little touched by his master’s words—except he can’t bring himself to show it, and scowls even harder to compensate.

“Indeed.” Crossing his arms, he gives the back of Add’s head a very stern glare. “I don’t recall ever asking to leave your service.”

It takes a moment for the words to sink in. At first it seems like his prediction was correct, but then Jakob completely throws him off.

"What are you talking about? You..." Did he misunderstand after all? It's true that Jakob never did say anything outright... even if everything he's said so far clearly points to him leaving as the correct choice. Add cautiously peers over his shoulder to gauge Jakob's reaction, still trying hard not to show too much of his own face, but his shinki's scowl only makes the answer more baffling.

He doesn't want to get his hopes up only to have them crushed again. And... more than just that—

"What reason do you have to stay?" he demands, a hint of desperation and anger creeping into his voice no matter how hard he tries to subdue it. "Just because you were assigned to me, is that all? I already told you you're free to do whatever you want, so don't give me any more idiotic answers. If that's the only reason..."

If Jakob is only staying with him out of some misguided obligation, it's hardly any better than forcing him to stay. And now he can't help but go back to thinking of getting rid of him, even after what he promised Sora...

He scoffs, forcing himself to look away again. His voice comes out softer than he would've liked.

"You can do better, so why settle for someone like me? You don't even like me."

At that, Jakob throws his arms up in exasperation.

“I am doing as I please, if you must know!” he snaps, more frustrated with himself for not catching onto this sooner. He would try to pull something like this, especially after avoiding him for so long, even neglecting an apology until that sudden outburst earlier…

But he doesn’t deny that there is some truth to Add’s words. Some.

With a sigh, he moves forward to place a hand on Add’s shoulder. In a much quieter voice, he continues, “Look at you. I’ve never seen a greater mess given divine form. And for as long as I can remember, cleaning up messes has been my only calling. I do not care to aspire to anything further than that.”

Edited (grammar...) 2017-03-31 15:14 (UTC)

He tenses up at the contact, but a moment passes and he decides not to shrug the hand away. "A mess given divine form" isn't the worst thing he's been called... it's not inaccurate, either. But to want to deal with someone like that willingly?

"I don't understand you at all," he replies, and in a wry voice he adds, "are you sure you're not going to regret that decision? You might end up with more than you bargained for, kuku."

But if it's a mess he really wants, who would Add be to refuse?

"...Well, it doesn't really matter, does it? You can change your mind whenever you want." He's mostly just mumbling that to himself, but it is true. Jakob can always change his mind, Add isn't forcing him to stay or holding him back. This is... acceptable. He can live with this.

If Jakob is really choosing to stay, though, that still leaves one more problem he needs to address. He finally brings a hand up to rub at his eyes, attempting to pathetically stifle his sniffling before turning around to face his shinki again. The black in his eyes can hide some of the redness, at least.

"There are mistakes I've made in the past that I don't want to repeat. If you're to remain as my shinki, you need to be able to stop me if that happens. No matter what."

Regardless, Jakob takes his hand away a moment later—he’s not exactly fond of this sort of contact himself. And this is a…complicated enough situation without either of them having to make it worse with more…feelings and whatnot. The fact that Add seems to be back to his old self is even something of a relief. As is this…weird sort of arrangement they’d taken upon themselves.

When Jakob thinks about it he knows that there’s no stopping him from leaving Add to, say, join the other Roxas instead. But that would mean failing yet another master, and he’s sure he wouldn’t be able to take something like that again.

At least Add hasn’t decided that his shinki has failed him. At least Add is still willing to keep him on despite his weaknesses, despite his desperate efforts to destroy the bodies of their former comrades. Jakob really can’t hope for much, in the end.

He scoffs, “You’ll have to give me far more credit than that.” And is he…crying? He’s crying, isn’t he? Or…sobbing, at the very least. Argh. “But you know that I would do anything I can to be of service to you.”

Well, at least now they can both pretend the other isn't crying. It's actually a bit relieving, in a weird sort of way. It'd be way more awkward if it was just one of them getting emotional...

"It's not something you're capable of as you are now. That's why I broke your leg before." He frowns, still feeling a bit sheepish about the whole thing. He already apologized, but lashing out like that could've ended a lot worse than it did. He can't even say that kind of behaviour is unlike him, though...

"You need a method to better defend yourself against my distortions," he continues, finding himself gradually become more comfortable now that they're away from the topic of feelings and Jakob leaving him. "Like a device that can project a barrier, perhaps... I'll have to make something for you. That way if I'm acting... unusual at all, you'll be able to intervene with a higher degree of safety."

... He's still not sure if he wants to get into why he might act unusual, even if that's kind of a crucial piece of information for preventative measures. But if he told Jakob the truth, he'd probably make a huge fuss over it. Better to just leave those details out and try not to let things get too out of control. That should be fine, right?

At least Jakob doesn’t flinch at the mention of the broken leg. He rubs the tears away with the back of his sleeve and nods briskly when Add begins talking business. But something isn’t adding up here. It’s not that he can only vaguely grasp at whatever the fuck Add is talking about, and it’s not even that emphasis on the word, “unusual.” If he can recall his master from his previous life he’d have a better grasp of what Add had been hinting at—somewhat—but as it is Jakob merely frowns, considering what little he understands of the situation.

“I will master any task you set of me, of course.” That goes without saying, but a little reminder never hurt anyone, right? Jakob’s still reeling from his weakness at the zombie incident himself. “However, this…intervention you’re suggesting…” He hesitates, before venturing, “Will it guarantee your safety?”

Despite all his efforts to appear stern, there’s a chink in his expression once more, a pleading look in his eyes, already haunted by the extremes Add would go through to attempt any one thing. Or avoid his problems outright.

"... It will guarantee your safety," he answers with a bitter smile, "but if you really want to keep me safe, you can't do that if you're dead, can you?"

Double dead. Close enough. The sentiment is the same, even if he'd rather his shinki look out for himself. Somehow he ended up using the same tactics that worked on Roxas... how does he keep ending up with these stubborn selfless types?

"Keeping me in line used to be Roxas' job," he mutters, feeling a little wistful at the thought. How long has it been now? Already a month...? "Until we find him again, you'll have to pick up his slack. I don't trust anyone else to do the job correctly."

He has to fight the urge to shudder at the implications of all that, but if nothing else, Add’s words strengthen his own resolve to protect this troublesome master of his. More than being the point of his own existence, this…this is something their Roxas would have wanted.

So he forces his expression to remain neutral if not outright submissive, as he puts his hand to his chest and gives Add a rather formal bow.

“As you command.”

The bowing thing is still a little too weird for him, but he knows better than to make a fuss over it now. Asking Jakob to be less butler-y might as well be asking him to grow an extra arm...

Add fakes a cough, using the time Jakob is spending bent over to finish rubbing his face dry. He's still not sure how he feels about all of this, if letting Jakob stay with him is the right choice or not, but knowing that Jakob at least wants to stay has lifted his mood considerably. Even if it ends up being the wrong choice... it feels good to know that he's wanted, even in this small way.

He turns towards the temple, expecting his shinki to follow.

"Let's go home. I could... perhaps use some tea."

He totally would grow an extra arm if Add wanted him to, don’t even.

“Of course,” he replies, swallowing down that feeling of guilt before his god might be blighted. He takes a few steps further than Add, to properly open the door for him as a butler would, but before he does, he adds, with a sigh:

“And I’m sorry for implying that I would serve you anything other than the finest brew.” You had to go and make him feel bad for that sewage water quip earlier damn you damn you damn you—

“I will do my best to behave myself from now on.”

Edited 2017-04-05 16:08 (UTC)

He stops, a little surprised at Jakob's sudden apology. He only stares for a moment, though, before breaking out into another grin.

"Oh? I thought that was an honest confession before. In that case I'll consider not throwing it out the window this time, kekeke."

It's good to have things back to normal.

Good to know some things never change. Jakob’s already got the door nice and open for him, but the moment Add opens his big mouth his promise to do better is suddenly flung out the window:

“Why you—”

[CLOSED]

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