thenearshore | (no subject)

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Who: Yona, her shinki, and others happening to be wandering by her temple.
When: Mid-to-late July (following certain conversations among her shinki)
Where: Yona's Temple
What: Information (and volatile emotion) is being shared among Yona's three shinki and it has some less-than-pleasant side effects for their goddess.

[ It had been a few days since she'd revealed the truth behind her nightmares - and the happenings that haunted one particular chamber within her temple - to Shizuo after he'd pressed for her trust and it had given her a lot to think about as well, revisiting that place and the memories of that night. Not that she didn't still see it so vividly in her memories and nightmares, but here... she hoped that being here might be able to give her new perspective on that night.

So far, she wasn't having much luck finding it. But she hadn't spoken any more about it to anyone either, spending a few days quieter than normal and immersed in her own thoughts as she dealt with her own emotions and the grief Shizuo told her she needed time to accept. It's distracting enough that she doesn't immediately realize how much it's affected her first shinki until she feels the sharp stinging pain that she knows come from him, but feels it much more intensely this time than she has before. Giving a yelp, she drops the book she'd been holding (and definitely not paying attention to enough to be reading) to rub at the sharp pain in her upper arm.

Well. That had been decidedly unpleasant. And far worse than the stings she'd gotten from her shinki before. Troubled by that, she debated what to do and whether or not to confront him over this one, but as it seemed serious, she finally pushes herself to her feet to go looking for him. Unfortunately, he proved rather difficult to find (because she hadn't thought of the roof) and while she looks, her other two shinki have, in the meantime, discovered him. And the hole he'd left in the wall. And then got the story directly from him about why it was now there.

Which is why, in abrupt succession, There is more stinging, each more painful than the last but still annoyingly in the same spot on her upper arm as tempers flare and the negative emotions created by the information has a direct physical effect. Shizuo's own is still mixed with the guilt of having damaged her temple and the effect rebounds between the three until Yona gives a soft cry, clutching at her arm near the entrance to her temple as she staggers for a moment and leans against one of the bright crimson pillars.

Her arm throbs in a way it's never done before, the pain deep and aching, and without thinking, she draws the sleeve of her dress up to reveal the dark discoloration of Blight now staining her skin and she stares at it in alarm, completely caught off-guard. ]

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[[ OOC: If anyone would like to confront Shizuo about this situation, either before or after he and Yona come across each other, feel free to toss that over at Shizuo's log or reply under here. Either way! ]]

[ There was a post about a kind of blight that came from shinki, and it honestly wasn't so long ago. Given that they hadn't even been around a month, everything could be considered pretty recent. Yet Shizuo couldn't say if it warned that the behavior that would sting their god could spread to other shinki doing similar.

Either way, Yona had learned this personally.

Yet there was a different kind of shame- not from the actions or thoughts he already had, but the ones he planned. Having resigned himself to probably crossing that line, should Soo-Won show up, Shizuo didn't particularly feel like being seen by Yona. Conveniently, there was a time they had crossed paths, but he already had to go out for other reasons. Aside from training, he's also been trying to work on fixing up Izumo's bar (now that there's a second floor.)

Depending on how long it is before they manage to catch each other, it's also been getting easier to pass off a few tiny lies- Shizuo's started to realize that, when he wanted to be, he was a pretty decent actor. It helped to alleviate some worries. ]

... Hm?

[ He was coming back late, the actual summer and temple's summer being enough that he had pulled his shirt off while coming up the stairs. Just to cool off a little before getting to his room- But something seemed to be nagging at him as he got to the 'communal square' sort of area. Something in his instincts.

It's certainly not the small, dark bruise below the base of his neck. ]

[ Bathing in the pool had not helped, despite the bright light of the moon overhead. So she had spoken first to Hak and then to Jae-Ha about what had occurred earlier. Shizuo, however, had been nowhere in sight and after searching the Temple, she had eventually settled down on the front steps, knowing that he would have to come back eventually.

She looks like she might have dozed off, cheek resting atop her knees and arms wrapped tightly around them to ward off the evening's chill, but in truth she was just deeply lost in her thoughts. But she hears his footsteps on the paved stones and lifts her head, eyes seeking him out in the light cast from the moon in the otherwise dark courtyard.

The Blight is hidden for the moment, but she's still obviously favoring that entire side anytime she moves, the Blight having spread up her arm and down the back of her shoulder over the course of the day, burning and throbbing with pain at random intervals. ]

Shizuo.

[ It was strange, most days he didn't see Yona hanging around on the stairs so late at night. While his instincts could scream that something serious was going on, there was a settled stubbornness which reasoned it into the probability that the other shinki were giving her a hard time. It wouldn't be the first time that Hak riled and teased their goddess into wanting to get some fresh air.

Yet her face seemed a little pained-

As it was already off, he wasn't going to put the shirt back on. Instead it was slung over a shoulder to hang around there instead.]

Had a rough practice at the archery range?

[ She shakes her head and hesitates for a moment before reaching up and sliding the sleeve of her dress aside, revealing her shoulder. It was dark and discolored now, the Blight having spread much further over the course of the day. ]

No. I wasn't practicing today.

[ Well, that isn't what he was expecting. ~~Though maybe he should have, and deep down knew was a risk and probability.~~ Brow furrowing, Shizuo gets closer to see- Geeze, it got so far. ]

Did you go on a mission without me or something? You know by now to use holy water for this.

[ She remains where she is, not moving as he approaches, watching him with a calmness she's no sure she feels, from the way her nerves feel so uncertain right now. She's still worried about saying the wrong thing or making this worse if she's not careful. ]

I didn't. This happened this morning. Holy water won't work. I tried already.

[ That just settled like a boulder in his stomach, though Shizuo is clearly not surprised. He shouldn't be. They were both around to see the post by Kairi and Yukine about blight and what this meant.

Even more, he knew what that timing meant.

Yet instead of confessing right away, like he normally would, Shizuo swallowed the gut reaction and carefully asked; ]

... Did you talk to the others?

Yes. [ Her voice is soft as she glances up to meet his gaze. ] I tried to heal it in the pools, once the moon came up, but it did nothing. That's when I sought out Hak and Jae-Ha. And now you.

I see...

[ She could feel as the guilt started to build up- He knew, knew it was bad and felt bad about it. In fact, Yona could probably tell that the blond knew where this was going and his responsibility in it all.

The problem was, this behavior was the kind that would snowball. In fact, it would even change the way a shinki normally would.

Which is why he wasn't apologizing still. In fact, he pocketed his hands and shifted his weight a bit in uneasiness. ]

What'd they tell you?

[ She pushes to her feet and approaches him, closing the distance that remains between them and reaching out to lay a hand on his arm, if he'll let her. ]

That's between me and them. As this is between me and you. Talk to me, Shizuo? Please? What is it that's bothering you so much? [ Her gaze drifts to his neck, where she could see his own spot of Blight, angry and dark against his skin. ] I don't want to see you get hurt by this. Let me help?

[ If Shizuo wasn't still ashamed of himself, maybe he would've welcomed the touch. However, stuck in that ball of self-sabotaging feelings, he shifts back a bit. After all, it's not like he deserved to have Yona try to understand and take a soft route towards this. ]

... Me get hurt?

[ For how long, and how many times, has he been the one stinging Yona? Really, he was the worst kind of cockroach. After that promise, which he was getting in the way of. It'd be better for Yona if- ]

It was stupid of these people to give you someone like me as a shinki. Especially when there's so much that I can't stop... Maybe it'd be better if you released me, for your own sake.

[ Her eyes widen at that, and she's quick to shake her head, her tone firmer now. ]

Shizuo. Stop that. If the day comes when you find somewhere else you truly wish to go and with good reason - with a reason that will make you happy - then I will release you. But this isn't one of those times. I have never, not for a moment, regretted having you as my shinki. You have done everything I asked of you and more. You listened when I needed you to, you have kept me safe and given me a friend when I needed one the most.

What is it you think you can't stop? What is it that has you feeling this way? [ Because she can feel it, creeping along the link they share with one another, even if she's still not certain how deeply the source of it goes or how she can fix it. ]

Maybe you should've been regretting it.

[ Isn't that the root of it? He was expecting and almost wanting Yona to regret this arrangement every time they realized he had stung her. Then after forcing her hand in taking a step in trusting him... All of this happened. Yona made a mistake, which he gave her no choice but to do.

Even after that, he still never told her what had caused that initial sting. Over some dumb eggs. ]

This whole time, I've been the reason why you haven't been safe. It's been something like every day where I end up having to explain why you felt a sting. Because of me. Neither of the others cause you that kind of pain- Until recently, I'm sure you never really felt any stings from them. Because they know how to stop themselves and not cause that kind of problem.

[ Until he had gotten angry enough where they questioned where it all came from, and the answer pretty much infected them.

Yet this wasn't what had been causing the stings and blight. That was his guilt for seeing this and being confronted. ]

Shizuo.

[ His name is sharp, intended to interrupt the way he is spiraling even deeper and she can feel it, can hear it in his words. And if she is stung again, she does not give away so much as a flinch to let him know about it. It wouldn't help, not here, not now. She's fairly certain that having proof that he'd hurt her again would just make him more resolute in his reasoning. ]

That is not for you to decide.

The others have stung me before - not in the way you have, it's true, but I do not compare you, any of you. There is no tally I keep of this as a transgression from you, Shizuo. You take so much responsibility onto yourself, and not all of it is yours to shoulder. Not the guilt, not the blame. I don't regret any of it because it shows that you have such a good heart and I don't think that's a bad thing. But not everything is your fault, Shizuo, and no one blames you for things gone amiss or accidents that happen near as much as you blame yourself for them.

How is it not up to me?

[ The problem is, while he certainly couldn't sense how things were progressing on the back of his neck, or how much he was stinging Yona, there was a terrible stain on Yona's arm and shoulder that was spreading. Which he was plenty aware with the meaning of.

It would just get worse, and even if things are handled this time, how long before he gets caught in another one of these situations where he can't help but do things he knows isn't right, feel guilty, but also too embarrassed and ashamed to admit it?

There was no way he could admit to Yona that, whether or not she wanted it, he'd probably kill this Soo-Won on sight. That his temper is the reason why there's a hole in the wall and cracked tiles on the roof. That he shared private information that Yona took care and entrusted with him, because of his stupid temper. ]

There's more than enough that I'm at fault for, and when you have one shinki that's causing you this much pain, no matter how the others are...

You should get rid of it.

[ Amusingly enough, the old gods would agree with him. ]

Tell me what you are at fault for, then, Shizuo.

[ She motions around them with a gesture of her hand. ]

This mark aside. Before that. What is it you think is so bad that you are drowning yourself in your own guilt? What have you done that would warrant me releasing you?

[ Even if he wanted to, the disappointment he had in himself, and imagining how hurt she'd be to know what he did, left any confessions as a large lump in his throat. Covering his face with a hand, the blond slowly drew it down.

If things didn't dramatically change, Yona's very life could be at risk. ]

You know that it's more than just guilt... It's always more than just guilt, because I always do something that leads to that.

You remember the promise I made when we met, yeah?

[ Who knew that he'd be the danger? ]

Of course I do.

[ Her voice softens at the reminder as she gazes up at him. ]

From where I stand, I've seen nothing that hints that you have broken it.

I see something that's more than enough of a reason. You really can't make that an exception.

[ At this point, for how long has he really broken that promise? ]

It's... Probably safe to say that I'm too dangerous to be anyone's shinki. Especially with how I am.

I can, because this?

[ She motions to her Blighted shoulder with a firm look. ]

This did not come from some crime you committed or from you doing terrible things and hurting others or being needlessly cruel. I know you well enough by now to know that that is not you. What caused it is your perceptions and that is what I am trying to understand, Shizuo. Talk to me, tell me what you are thinking about that has you feeling this way. If you believe you're becoming too dangerous to be anyone's shinki, it's because you're keeping yourself from opening up about whatever this is. Please, let me help.

It kind of is me though, isn't it?

[ The part of him that he's afraid of and looks down upon is still him. ]

All it takes is me losing a little bit of control and I'll do something I shouldn't. Which can be needlessly cruel. It'd be wrong under anyone's perception. It's not really an excuse that should be lived with and tolerated, just because I know what I'm guilty of.

[ Yet for as much as he admitted, he still wasn't actually confessing. In fact, there's a resigned look somewhere in his eyes- he's cast his own judgement upon himself. ]

You don't keep monsters because they feel bad about it once in a while.

Everyone acts or speaks without thinking sometimes. [ She shakes her head, arguing with him, because she doesn't believe that of him at all. he might be so quick to dismiss forgiveness but she is not. ] No one can be in control all the time, Shizuo. Not even you.

And you still haven't told me what you're feeling guilty of. But whatever it is, Shizuo, you are not a monster. People who are truly monsters.... [ She pauses, and there's a haunted shadow in her eyes for a moment as she stares at him. ] People who let themselves become monsters don't feel guilt and regret for what they do. That is why they are monsters. The very fact that you've stung me over this - whatever you believe it is - proves that you are not one.

We both know it's more than just sometimes for me.

[ Even the slightest thing came with a risk of him blowing up. Things breaking, people getting hurt, and other risks came with that kind of reaction. Even more- he didn't seem to have control or awareness when it got bad enough. ]

... There's some things I don't feel guilt over deciding. What I'm gonna regret is the reaction and disappointment of certain people who would find out. Which is why I'm not going to tell you, or others who don't already know.

[ Which was a direct disobedience, and went against the entire thing that started this whole mess. The way he took a step back, along with that tone of voice, it was very likely that he wasn't budging on that decision. ]

[ She studies him for a moment, her gaze narrowed as she considers those words and the meaning behind them. ]

This is about what I told you, isn't it? About what happened in this place, to my father. To me. Is this what has you feeling this way?

[ He really didn't want to see Yona's face if he said everything- so instead he swallows it all and took another couple of steps away. ]

I'll come back when you're ready to revoke my name.

The end-game

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