thenearshore | if no one listens, then it's just as well [closed]

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if no one listens, then it's just as well [closed]

Who: Cho Hakkai & Genjo Sanzo; Cho Hakkai & Yamazaki Ayumu; Cho Hakkai, Joshima Ken and Kakimoto Chikusa
What: Now that Hakkai has his memories back in one piece, he needs to have some important conversations, and maybe also get Ayumu to stop dishing to angry redheads about his personal flaws.
Where: Sanzo's temple, Ayumu's shinki refuge-in-progress, Hakkai's temple
When: October 4/5
Warnings: Discussion of attempted suicide, suicidal ideation & of Hakkai's backstory (incest, genocide); probably no actual violence in the threads. Unless Ayumu punches him again, of course.

Closed - Genjo Sanzo

[Yesterday, Hakkai had been wary. Today, it seemed, he could go outside with confidence that the worst of the disturbances had been handled. Add was, if still alive, no longer causing trouble. Bluish dimensional tears were no longer interrupting his morning walks.

Sadly, that meant he'd lost his excuse for not tracking down Sanzo and sharing what he'd remembered.

Jeep, after his return and Ayumu's release, had lost his tendency to stick around the temple and started insisting on a space on Hakkai's shoulder again; Hakkai, after having to darn three brand-new shirts, had bought a large, black-and-white checked scarf, and looped it loosely enough around his shoulders that Jeep could coil into the fabric. It's not his usual style, but his dragon is happy, and the walk to where Sanzo's new temple appears to be is quiet.

He raps his knuckles loudly against the side of the door when he arrives.]

Sanzo? Excuse me, are you in?

Closed - Yamazaki Ayumu

[It's not so much logistical need that sends him looking for Ayumu after he's done chatting with Sanzo.

It is, if he's going to be brutally honest, wounded pride. She'd avoided his question about finding a new god at the moon festival, and then she'd demanded release almost as soon as she finished throwing punches on his resurrection? She'd informed him he was no more than a placeholder for her months ago, and yet she insisted on taking his every action personally?

And, besides, Chikusa seemed convinced she hadn't been looking for a new god. It's hard for Hakkai to make any of her actions fit into the same puzzle, or even the same frame. Now that he's not working at a disadvantage, he has a few more questions he wants to ask.

There's something else, too. Gojyo's bar is an obviously terrible place for a shinki to live on his own. Hakkai just wants to confirm -- especially after ayakashi have been swarming the Heavens -- that Ayumu's "shelter" is at least a little more secure. And less shabby.]

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[So that's what this is about. A mostly empty threat she'd made in the heat of the moment when she'd been upset. She'd been so preoccupied with other things that she'd nearly forgotten she'd said that. Things had begun to improve a little after that, anyway. He'd called her before naming Ken, at least. Maybe it'd been naive of her to assume that gesture meant he was willing to talk to her about things.

And now she's annoyed, too.]

I was doing my job, Hakkai.

[She drops the honorific entirely without even noticing.]

I was trying to guide you, get you to acknowledge that your choices and actions affect more than just you whether you want them to or not. It was a bluff to try to get you in line. And it seemed to work. You called me first about Ken before naming him, didn't you? That was all I wanted, you know. To just be informed about things that might disrupt my life. You do realize I have one, too, don't you? And you were a big part of it?

[To her credit, she manages to sound mostly calm and civil throughout her little rant.]

I thought you might figure it out by the fact that I never left. And even if I hadn't been bluffing, I said additional gods. Where in that plan does it say anything about leaving you?

[She takes a breath to calm herself before continuing.]

As for the rest, you asked me a question and I answered it. Nothing more, nothing less.

If you thought your job was to lie to me, threaten me, berate my other shinki about my choices behind my back, and assume that because I have the common courtesy to comply with your requests you'd successfully manipulated me, Ayumu, then it's for the best that you are no longer my shinki.

[His voice isn't as close to calm as hers. It's chilly, and the line between his eyebrows has reappeared to stay.]

Have you ever asked me for anything without trying to threaten or humiliate me into giving it to you first?

Have I ever said no when you asked?

[Jeep shifts closer to his neck, and Hakkai closes his eyes, taking another deep breath. His knuckles are white where his hands are clasped together. It's not really even Ayumu's actions that have him so furious, he knows, wearily. It's just his own frustration: she's never trusted him, and that's fine. He saw enough of her past. He can guess why it's hard for her to trust. He'd tried honesty, he'd tried asking, he'd tried showing her some of his own vulnerabilities--]

You're right, a partnership needs trust. Don't try to tell me that you trusted me until I betrayed you by not considering how my death would inconvenience you. You never had any faith in me.

You're wrong. I had complete faith in you when we first met. Faith in you was all that I had. I trusted you those first few days. I was confused, scared, alone... I had no other choice but to trust you. And I did. But you weren't there. I had no one. I didn't know or understand anything. When I was back to normal, the only thing I could think of was just getting back to you, that I'd be safe with you once I got back to the temple. And you shut me out.

[Her calm's starting to crumble again and now that she doesn't have to worry about blighting or stinging him with her feelings, she lets it happen. Without a god to protect, she's free to do so now.]

I had no idea why and I still don't. But it left an imprint. And Shizuo-san had warned me about gods and temples disappearing without warning the night before. You, yourself, told me being your shinki was dangerous. What was I supposed to do or think in that kind of situation? Knowing absolutely nothing?

[Tears began to slide down her cheeks.]

You tell me to ask for things as if that's all it takes. But I didn't even know what questions to ask! Did it ever occur to you that I might be unable to speak instead of unwilling?

[She wipes her eyes with her dress sleeve.]

I don't know why I am the way I am. But it's the way I am. And I don't know how to be any other way.

I was just as lost as you! I met you, and then a few hours later, I was a foolish teenager with no memory of the Heavens, no context, and no clue that you even existed. I was guessing, too. When I came back to myself, I couldn't...

[He closes his eyes again, for a moment. The lines around his eyes are stark against a paling face, but when he speaks again, at last, the only hint of strain in his calm voice is that he's talking a little too fast.]

I went to bed a seventeen-year-old preschool teacher in love, I woke up a murdering demon who watched the woman I loved gut herself in front of me with my knife, and then I had to explain to a dozen concerned acquaintances and total strangers that the person I'd been looking for was dead.

Then I had to tell them I hadn't been seducing you, because you decided to ask me to take you clothes shopping by calling me from the park wearing my spare shirt and nothing else.

I'm sorry I wasn't there for you that day. But even then, that day, the first day I knew who you were after the day we met, you decided to punish me for not thinking of you first, instead of asking why.

[His hands flex against each other, and he pushes himself to his feet, turning to walk a few paces away from where Ayumu's sitting on the column. His arms are crossed tightly across his chest, his back to her and his shoulders tense.

Jeep, with a discontented noise, presses his muzzle against the tendons standing out on the side of Hakkai's neck, and then, as Hakkai startles violently from the touch, lifts from his shoulders and flies to Ayumu, chirping.]

[He could have told her. But she understands why he didn't. She'd been as much of a stranger to him as he'd been to her. There are just some feelings that can't be expressed in words. What he's describing is one of those feelings.

It surprises her a little when Jeep flies to her and for a moment she looks at him, as if for guidance before pushing her hair out of the way to give the little dragon another place to perch if he desires.]

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

[What else can she say about it, really? She'd been hurt and upset. Would knowing that make any difference? Her feelings just don't seem like they should matter at all.]

I wasn't thinking clearly. I was so confused by what had happened and what you did really hurt and upset me. I wanted to forgive you. I tried to forgive you. But I just couldn't. I needed someone to be there for me and didn't really know anyone. So I went out hoping I might make a friend. It wasn't just about punishing you. I know it was wrong but it was the only thing I knew to do.

[She doesn't like what this says about her, what it implies about the kind of woman she'd been in life.]

[Jeep settles onto Ayumu's shoulder, tiny claws snagging fabric as he makes himself comfortable. Hakkai doesn't turn to face her for several seconds, but, slowly, the tension ebbs from his posture and his shoulders relax.

He lets his arms fall to his side as he turns around at last, and casts her a tired glance.]

Did you make any friends?

... It's water under the bridge now in any case, Ayumu. You're not my shinki, and Chikusa was the only one who actually came to me asking about our relationship at the time. I was upset and insulted, myself, but.

[He opens his hands, palms up, in a tiny gesture: nothing to be done. There isn't, anymore.]

I don't care. I'm not asking you to forgive me for the errors I've made. I've been... I've been distracted, these past few months, and not because of anything you've done.

But I was hurt, too, when you told me you were going to go find other gods, Ayumu. You didn't say "if." You told me you'd already made the decision, and I believed you. I believed you were telling me our partnership was over then, because you told me the reason you hadn't asked me to release you was that you hadn't yet found a replacement.

I ceased to consider you my shinki at that point. I refuse to apologize for behaving accordingly.

[It hurts to hear him say those words after how much pain and anxiety she'd felt when he'd gone missing. After how close she'd come to simply ending her life in hopes that this time, Heaven would just leave her to rest in peace. Would he have even cared?]

It wasn't just me put through grief. What you did affected Chikusa and Ken, too, and regardless what you think of me, they are your shinki. And you said nothing to either one. Did you apologize to them, at least?

[She debates telling him the truth - that she'd wanted to die, that she'd taken on a group of ayakashi by herself, because she couldn't bear what she'd perceived as an unforgivable failure to protect him or the burden of simply living.

Ayumu goes quiet, just focusing on Jeep's weight on her shoulder and the feel of his claws digging just slightly into her skin. She reaches up to lightly scritch him under the chin, just like she does with the cats when she needs to calm down and ground herself in the moment.]

[Jeep chirrups, stretching his long neck out for the chin-scratches and spreading his wings for balance on her shoulder. Hakkai's gaze drifts to the dragon, and then, slowly, back to her face.]

This isn't about Chikusa or Ken, Ayumu. Nor is it about what I think of you as a person.

[She should know that, having been the one to lecture him on why her harsh judgment on him as a god didn't mean she didn't want to be friends. Perhaps she sees herself and her duty as less separable than other people are from theirs.]

I wanted to talk to you because I didn't understand why you'd told me you planned to find other gods and would ask for your release once you'd found them, and then continued to expect me to ask you to fight by my side.

You've answered that. You didn't know I took you seriously. You thought you were scaring me into good behavior. Meanwhile, I stopped asking you for your support because I believed you no longer wanted to have to support me.

I didn't choose to reject you and I didn't choose to end our partnership.

[He's still meeting her gaze, not looking for her reaction to his words so much as he is daring her not to look away first. It's a stupid, shallow misunderstanding. He's angry at both of them -- her, for flinging ultimatums she didn't mean at him like they'd hit as lightly as her cookies; himself, for flinching from the sting of rejection so badly that he didn't bring the topic up again for too long.

Himself, for thinking no one needed him, and he could play bait for Ross without risking anything important.]

But regardless what I think of you -- or you of me -- you are not my shinki now.

Which brings me to the other thing I wanted to say to you.

[He breaks eye contact, closes his eyes, and sweeps into a low, low bow, holding it for the length of a breath before he straightens and adjusts his glasses.]

I do owe you an apology for my behavior as your god. I've been distracted and distant. I have not supported you, I've taken unnecessary risks, and I have not shared my reasons. For that, I'm sorry.

[She doesn't look away while he's speaking. Her face is already tearstained with more starting to flow. Whether they're tears of sorrow or relief, it's hard to say. Crying doesn't feel like something she does very often, despite the hard time she's been having just getting by.

The apology takes her by surprise as does the bow. For a moment, she just kind of stares as if it's something she's never seen before. But she doesn't complain and maybe, just maybe, she feels one of the wounds in her heart begin to close. Many more still remain but this issue at least, has some closure. Finally, she gives a little nod.]

Hakkai, I accept your apology. Thank you. I needed to hear that. And I'm sorry, too. I'll take greater care with what I say to you in the future. And try to learn other ways of handling my problems.

[She's already on a personal quest to find herself, a place of her own in the Heavens, and change what she doesn't like about her life instead of simply ending it.]

[The corner of his mouth quirks briefly at her response, and he inclines his head.

It doesn't feel like much of an apology-- she's already been released, the damage to their relationship is done, and that makes I'll be more careful seem like an easy, and unimportant, promise. If they're going to be allies of any sort in the future, though, it's necessary.]

I accept your apology.

[He, after all, hadn't even made any promises.

Despite that, he can't resist adding:]

... and I hope you can work more effectively with your next god.

[Jeep is settling in on her shoulder, with what Hakkai can't help but think is a smug air. He watches his dragon for a moment, eyebrows twitching up.]

How have you been? Jeep's missed you.

[With just himself and a soulless shinki in the temple, Hakkai rarely bothers with fancy cooking, and Jeep is feeling the deprivation of treats. He might even lose the extra pound Ayumu'd put on him.]

[It is necessary. Time moves forward regardless of the choices and mistakes they make. Their partnership didn't work out and now it's time to let it go. Maybe they'd be better suited for one another some day in the future but now's just not the right time for either of them.

She continues with the chin scritches, glancing at Jeep almost apologetically before speaking.]

I've been doing better, I think. Not having to worry about active duty at all has been good for me. I get bored sometimes but having time to breathe and relax has been nice. I feel like I've gotten a lot closer to some of my other friends.

[She'd rarely felt sociable while living at the temple, having quickly fallen into a routine that almost entirely took place within its walls. No longer having a home had forced her to reach out more and motivated her to spend more time with others. Shaking up her routine in such a dramatic way, even with the amount of risks she's taking simply being without a god.]

I've been moving around some. I stayed here for a bit, then spent time with Gojyo and Tsuzuki-san at the bar, and then there was that business with the ayakashi the other day. Right now, I'm staying with Hachiman-sama and Souji-san. Life's been hectic! But also kind of fun in a way.

[She laughs a bit. She really has taken a sort of strange enjoyment in her present state of homelessness. Though the recent incident with the ayakashi and how indisposed she'd been on her own had forced her to face the harsh reality of the unnamed life. And Ayumu is nothing if not a realist.]

I think I needed that, honestly. To be completely free. I wonder if I ever felt that way before. It was all so new, scary, and strange to me but I was... happy, I think.

[At least, she'd thought that must be what happiness feels like. It doesn't seem like something she's all that acquainted with somehow.]

Hachiman? [Not only trustworthy, but someone who's personally connected to Ayumu. He's a good choice, although Hakkai wonders if he'll have to watch out for the possibility of the man coming after him some dark night for having failed her.

It's a relief to hear she's not sleeping in an abandoned temple, too; even an abandoned temple in the Heavens, considering the fact that Hakkai's seen more than one ayakashi outbreak since his arrival, isn't entirely safe.

He'd stayed in them himself, but it hadn't been safe.

And, rather to his surprise, Hakkai finds himself happy to hear that being without a god had been easy for her. His smile is faint, but honest, as he glances away and re-crosses his arms.]

You and I really are very different people. I never felt quite right without a god.

We are. Hachiman-sama hasn't named me but I feel like I'm safe with him and Souji-san somehow.

[A smile that's almost shy surfaces.]

I don't think I'm ready to serve another god just yet. I guess I'm worried I'll make the same mistakes. And I'm not sure I can handle active duty. I don't know why it feels like such a strain. The other shinki I know seem to handle the weight easily enough.

[Ayumu hasn't really voiced her insecurities to anyone since Goku's disappearance. There's not a day that goes by that she doesn't miss him and the quick and comfortable friendship they'd shared. But Goku's gone and she has to let it go and move on, too.]

It's strange. I feel like I'm recovering from something but I can't remember what it is. It's not physical. Everything's healed. But I know I shouldn't think about it. Bad things will happen if I do. It's just so frustrating.

Sometimes... even if you don't remember something, it can leave a wound.

[He hadn't known Kanan when he was a shinki. He hadn't known Kanan when her soul was screaming at him from a corpse, and yet, seeing that woman who had prayed to Yuri, he had reacted despite himself.

Ayumu's wounds are fresher, and a shinki's forgetfulness, Hakkai supposes, is no barrier to her pain, either.

He hadn't done very well helping her with it. He doesn't really know where he ought to have started, but it's surprisingly difficult to think that he's failed in that, too. He breathes out, looking away.]

And a wound needs time to heal. Regardless of the cause.

It must be very deep. I was hurting and so furious... but I tried to hold it in and not think about it like I was supposed to. I held out as long as I could but after the moon viewing, I just couldn't anymore. I hated myself so much for my weakness. And nothing made it better.

[She goes quiet a moment as she focuses on petting Jeep until she's steady once more. When she speaks again, her voice is soft and weary.]

I think I've been angry at Heaven for them dragging me here. This world isn't where I'm supposed to be.

[She doesn't know how she knows this but she does.]

But I guess what's done is done and I have to accept it. I don't want to make my friends cry.

Edited 2018-01-21 07:00 (UTC)

It's not where any of us are supposed to be. I can understand that feeling. And yet... here we all are.

[He's not going to hold out any hopes about going home or finding the cause of their arrival, not to someone who is, after all, a shinki. Her death could be more real than the death he'd seen from Gojyo, more terminal than the one that Sharak had seen from Hakkai.

And even to think too hard about home can be dangerous. He knows that, too, from painful experience.]

... Is it that hard to feel what you feel without thinking about the causes?

[It's a genuine question, carefully neutral in tone. If she resists those feelings because she doesn't want to be weak, then it's not necessarily dangerous for her to embrace them. If she's resisting them, on the other hand, because she doesn't want to be tempted to try to remember her past, she should continue.]

Sometimes. Sometimes I'm tempted to question further. It's difficult, not knowing why I am the way I am. I have all these scars... My life couldn't have been happy but at least, I had a place in it that was mine. I feel as if there isn't much about my life in Heaven that belongs entirely to me.

[Sometimes that's a good thing, like on days when she wakes up and wishes nothing more for peaceful oblivion. It keeps her from doing stupid, irreversible things like that stunt she'd pulled with the cat ayakashi. She's lucky Archer had been there to support her. If he hadn't been, they would have overtaken and devoured her.

Other days, she feels like she's a prisoner, joylessly going through the motions of duty until it's time for her die.]

But without those memories, that knowledge, I'm incomplete. It's like a void in me that nothing ever fills. It's hard to live like that. At least, if I knew I'd understand better what it is that I need to change so I'll stop hurting.

[Is it like this for most shinki? Gojyo seems to struggle with it, too; it's part of why she finds him comforting to be around. But other than them? She just doesn't know.]

Knowing the cause doesn't make it stop hurting, and it doesn't always give you something you can change.

[His voice softens, thoughtfully, as he glances away.]

I never felt incomplete before I remembered. It was much worse after I'd started to remember: having some answers only gave me more questions, and even if you've remembered a few things, it's still not safe to wonder too often about what you still don't know.

I won't say something like, "it's better not to know," though. It's better to know. What this place does to shinki-- [He breaks off the sentence, and looks away, letting his face relax from frustrated rage to something quieter and more neutral.]

I wondered for a long time how it had changed me. In the end, I discovered that it hadn't, much. It only meant I was working with bad information.

I don't think that's the same for all of us. Some of us seem to change more than others....

I wouldn't know but I'll take your word for it.

[She pauses a moment, suddenly recalling the odd vision she'd had the morning of the banquet.]

I did see something. It may have been a memory but it felt like someone else's, not mine. I suppose I'm a little curious why I was rousing so many people. If it was my memory, I don't think I want back any more. I couldn't see anyone's faces but it still made me sad.

[Whoever those men were, they're far beyond her reach now. What purpose could remembering them now after she was already dead serve? The chances of her seeing anyone from wherever she'd come from are slim. And she can't go back.]

I think you're right. Remembering might not accomplish anything. I guess I'll just have to find another way.

[She refuses to be miserable forever. No matter what rules and laws Heaven lays out.]

I hope you find one.

[And he's glad Ayumu's willing to take his advice about pinning her hopes on regaining her memories. It had never worked for him. Even when he'd gotten many of them back...

He smiles, expression still remote. It's no solution. From what he's seen of hers... that, too, would only make things worse. He hopes it doesn't go too much further than the single recollection for her. Some people's memory does; some doesn't. Hakkai's had seemed to return faster and faster, a few drips and then a deluge.

It's strange that her first memory would feel like someone else's, though. He wonders if, like Gojyo, she's determined to set herself apart from who she once was, or if she simply doesn't understand her point of view, at whatever moment she'd recalled.]

And in the meantime... please stay safe, and should you encounter any ayakashi before you've been named, feel free to call me? [He shrugs, a tiny movement.] I wouldn't mind helping.

Thank you. I will.

[He's still the first number on her contact list, despite everything that's happened. And after her recent scare here, she's not going to turn away offers of assistance. Her stay with Hachiman and Souji isn't permanent. In her heart, she's keenly aware that she's simply a visitor. But it's safe and secure enough until Ayumu figures out where to go next.]

You be careful, too, 'kay? The same goes for you. If you need help with something, please don't hesitate to ask. It helps me to stay busy sometimes.

I will.

[He pauses, and adds:] Good luck with your new job, by the way. Gojyo told me you were working at the bar?

Oh, thanks. I just started actually.

[She laughs a bit.]

I've spent a lot of time there lately. It just made sense to start pitching in.

[Despite her somewhat casual words, her face lights up at this subject and there's a bit of an animated sparkle in her eye. It's a shady place with disreputable clientele from what she's gathered but she gets to work alongside her friends and spend time away from Heaven. It's nice.]

It'll take me a while to learn how to mix drinks though.

Luckily, last time I was there, it seemed like the sort of establishment where most orders only require you to pour them.

[Mixed drinks? Mixed drinks seem a bit fancy for Gojyo's bar. No offense meant, of course: his tone is wry and oddly fond.]

I suspect you'll be a great asset.

Hopefully, I will be.

[At the very least, she might be able to utilize the location somehow. Tongues loosen after some drinks. Between her work in the clinic, her shifts at the bar, and the contacts she's made through the shelter project, Ayumu might be in a position to gather useful information. With the tips being split three ways instead of just two now, having a side business couldn't hurt.]

Just pouring drinks sounds simple enough to do.

if no one listens, then it's just as well [closed]

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cw: mention of suicidal ideation

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