Cho Hakkai (
reformedsinner) wrote in
thenearshore2018-01-16 11:36 pm
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if no one listens, then it's just as well [closed]
Who: Cho Hakkai & Genjo Sanzo; Cho Hakkai & Yamazaki Ayumu; Cho Hakkai, Joshima Ken and Kakimoto Chikusa
What: Now that Hakkai has his memories back in one piece, he needs to have some important conversations, and maybe also get Ayumu to stop dishing to angry redheads about his personal flaws.
Where: Sanzo's temple, Ayumu's shinki refuge-in-progress, Hakkai's temple
When: October 4/5
Warnings: Discussion of attempted suicide, suicidal ideation & of Hakkai's backstory (incest, genocide); probably no actual violence in the threads. Unless Ayumu punches him again, of course.
Closed - Genjo Sanzo
[Yesterday, Hakkai had been wary. Today, it seemed, he could go outside with confidence that the worst of the disturbances had been handled. Add was, if still alive, no longer causing trouble. Bluish dimensional tears were no longer interrupting his morning walks.
Sadly, that meant he'd lost his excuse for not tracking down Sanzo and sharing what he'd remembered.
Jeep, after his return and Ayumu's release, had lost his tendency to stick around the temple and started insisting on a space on Hakkai's shoulder again; Hakkai, after having to darn three brand-new shirts, had bought a large, black-and-white checked scarf, and looped it loosely enough around his shoulders that Jeep could coil into the fabric. It's not his usual style, but his dragon is happy, and the walk to where Sanzo's new temple appears to be is quiet.
He raps his knuckles loudly against the side of the door when he arrives.]
Sanzo? Excuse me, are you in?
Closed - Yamazaki Ayumu
[It's not so much logistical need that sends him looking for Ayumu after he's done chatting with Sanzo.
It is, if he's going to be brutally honest, wounded pride. She'd avoided his question about finding a new god at the moon festival, and then she'd demanded release almost as soon as she finished throwing punches on his resurrection? She'd informed him he was no more than a placeholder for her months ago, and yet she insisted on taking his every action personally?
And, besides, Chikusa seemed convinced she hadn't been looking for a new god. It's hard for Hakkai to make any of her actions fit into the same puzzle, or even the same frame. Now that he's not working at a disadvantage, he has a few more questions he wants to ask.
There's something else, too. Gojyo's bar is an obviously terrible place for a shinki to live on his own. Hakkai just wants to confirm -- especially after ayakashi have been swarming the Heavens -- that Ayumu's "shelter" is at least a little more secure. And less shabby.]
What: Now that Hakkai has his memories back in one piece, he needs to have some important conversations, and maybe also get Ayumu to stop dishing to angry redheads about his personal flaws.
Where: Sanzo's temple, Ayumu's shinki refuge-in-progress, Hakkai's temple
When: October 4/5
Warnings: Discussion of attempted suicide, suicidal ideation & of Hakkai's backstory (incest, genocide); probably no actual violence in the threads. Unless Ayumu punches him again, of course.
Closed - Genjo Sanzo
[Yesterday, Hakkai had been wary. Today, it seemed, he could go outside with confidence that the worst of the disturbances had been handled. Add was, if still alive, no longer causing trouble. Bluish dimensional tears were no longer interrupting his morning walks.
Sadly, that meant he'd lost his excuse for not tracking down Sanzo and sharing what he'd remembered.
Jeep, after his return and Ayumu's release, had lost his tendency to stick around the temple and started insisting on a space on Hakkai's shoulder again; Hakkai, after having to darn three brand-new shirts, had bought a large, black-and-white checked scarf, and looped it loosely enough around his shoulders that Jeep could coil into the fabric. It's not his usual style, but his dragon is happy, and the walk to where Sanzo's new temple appears to be is quiet.
He raps his knuckles loudly against the side of the door when he arrives.]
Sanzo? Excuse me, are you in?
Closed - Yamazaki Ayumu
[It's not so much logistical need that sends him looking for Ayumu after he's done chatting with Sanzo.
It is, if he's going to be brutally honest, wounded pride. She'd avoided his question about finding a new god at the moon festival, and then she'd demanded release almost as soon as she finished throwing punches on his resurrection? She'd informed him he was no more than a placeholder for her months ago, and yet she insisted on taking his every action personally?
And, besides, Chikusa seemed convinced she hadn't been looking for a new god. It's hard for Hakkai to make any of her actions fit into the same puzzle, or even the same frame. Now that he's not working at a disadvantage, he has a few more questions he wants to ask.
There's something else, too. Gojyo's bar is an obviously terrible place for a shinki to live on his own. Hakkai just wants to confirm -- especially after ayakashi have been swarming the Heavens -- that Ayumu's "shelter" is at least a little more secure. And less shabby.]
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Roy feeds them, too, and is quite a good cook(if perhaps a more rustic type of cook than Hakkai), but he's a pretty informal god. And while Ken absolutely prefers a lack of formality, something about the structure and formality of the dinner with Hakkai and Ayumu, the insistence upon manners and certain standards...while it had been annoying and stupid, there'd been something about it that affected Ken. It had reminded him of the way families acted on TV. It had kind of felt, for the first time, like he and Chikusa had one.
And then Hakkai disappeared, and then came back with his memories gone, and Ayumu left, and there will only be three people at the table tonight...it had been an incredibly short-lived illusion. But some part of Ken is still vainly hoping that maybe the feeling will come back. Hakkai did, after all. Their memories did. So maybe this will come back, too.]
You're too slow, Kakipi! [He's been hurrying Chikusa along the whole way, but he finally leaves him to his own devices at the front of Hakkai's temple to run forward himself and knock on the door. Well...'hammer' is perhaps more accurate. He's enthusiastic.]
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[The entire time they make their way over to Hakkai's temple, Ken pushing and pulling the entire way, Chikusa wonders at... a lot of things. Dealing with Gojyo was a bewildering experience all is own, and one he doesn't think he'd have cared about, normally, if it hadn't pertained to a god he was named by. Hell, should he even care about Hakkai? The question gnaws on him with each step.]
[He hadn't really cared about him during the ablution, so many months ago. Sure, Chikusa had trusted that Hakkai would go along with his request to test out his poison, but he hadn't been invested.]
[So why is he so discontent now? Is it because of a combination of Hakkai dying recklessly, and the emotional rollecoaster forced onto him by a resurgence of memories? That kind of coincidence? Or...]
[There are gaps, in the memories he has. If Ken's not there, he's realized, then he can't remember anything, but there's so little of that so he's hardly bothered at all, really. Ken is there, for most of the important things. Yet even when they're together... In so many of those moments he can recall, there's a blur, a flaw. Someone he talked to, someone who made Ken huff up and brighten and cry.]
[Someone that they'd waited for. Those memories, even without all the details that should be there, sting quietly. Both of them, curled up, in the dark and ruin, waiting and waiting for... someone. Hurting, and waiting for someone.]
[Somehow, Hakkai's stubborn refusal to tell them anything feels a lot like that kind of waiting ignorantly.]
[Still, Ken is happy, and Chikusa lets that carry him through as he shuffles after the blond racing ahead. He looks good like this, eyes bright and a dumb grin on his face. With a maroon beanie still resting atop his head from Bishamon's usual training event, Chikusa eventually catches up with Ken... and just straight up opens the door.]
[What? This is technically their home too or at least they stayed long enough. He knows the door isn't locked.]
[....Hopefully Hakkai wasn't on the other side. Him getting hit by an opening door would be just terrible.]
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In here!
[It is, after all, probably the two of them. He can feel their presence and direction, in the vague way that he often can with his shinki.
Ayumu not being among them still feels like a pulled tooth: the pain is gone, but he keeps being startled by the absence, checking the socket as if to confirm, again and again, that nothing is there.
He puts a smile on his face, and turns to put the plates of raw ingredients on the table. There's a burner in the center, and he produces a battered disposable lighter and flicks it a few times until the flame lingers long enough to catch the Sterno with a near-invisible flickering blue fire.
He turns back to rummage for an oven mitt that he can use to transfer the simmering sauce on the stove to the table, and adds, not waiting for the two of them to finish entering:]
Please wash your hands and set the table-- dinner's almost ready....
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But then Hakkai assures them it's almost ready, and he perks up again. Ken has no patience at all when it comes to food. The orders do get a slight whine, though.] I'm hungry, byon...
[But no chiding is necessary. Even as Ken is complaining, he's moving to comply, however grudgingly. He doesn't even hesitate to start setting the table after he's washed his hands; he's been over at Hakkai's temple enough by now - mostly with Hakkai absent, but with Ayumu doing plenty of cooking - to know where things are, and what's expected of him.]
What'd you make, Hakkai-sama?
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[He just wants to get straight into things... but patience, or something, he guesses.]
[While they're in the middle of setting the table, hands clean, Chikusa lets out a slow sigh.]
Sukiyaki, Ken... I told you...
[Which explained nothing, probably, only that meat is involved.]
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There is something very homey about it. Ayumu's not here anymore, and Chikusa and Ken are Roy's shinki first... but still. It's something, and he appreciates the chance to talk to them without Amaterasu's shinki close by to listen, or Chikusa barely conscious of his surroundings.
Or anyone throwing punches, for that matter.]
You can pick out what you want to eat, and put it into the pan to cook, Ken. It's sliced thin, so it only takes a minute.
[...in case he's never had it. Hakkai settles in his chair, on one side of the little kitchen table, and waves the other two to them.]
So. [He picks up his chopsticks, and smiles, with the tiniest twist at the corner of his mouth.] ... Where do you want me to start, Chikusa?
Before anything else, I suppose I should apologize to you. I didn't want you to be dragged into this.
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[Hakkai rescues Chikusa from the incredible overexertion of explaining, however, and Ken seems intrigued by the novelty of such a dish. He sits down and even - with
almostno nudged reminders from Chikusa - picks up a set of chopsticks before immediately grabbing for the first piece of meat he sees. He's half tempted to eat it raw - it wouldn't be the first time he's eaten raw meat - but in the end the interesting smells of the pan entice him into actually setting it in there to cook properly.He glances between Chikusa and Hakkai curiously when Hakkai brings up starting something, and apologizing. Among the things Chikusa didn't explain was that this get-together is more than just dinner.] What's going on?
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[Chikusa is in no hurry to shove anything into the pan. Instead, he watches as Ken gets to it, watching as the meat begins to curl and cook, raw pink shifting into brown. After a few seconds, he reaches over himself, but Ken doesn't have to worry about it being stolen (yet). Instead, he's just turning it over to make sure the cooking is even.]
[Hakkai's words initially don't get a reaction. His head stays bowed down, staring at the meat in its pan. But the apology... Blinking, he looks up, staring at Hakkai with a quiet intensity. No one.... has ever apologized to him before, he thinks. Not for the things which matter. He can't be completely certain, with his memories only having Ken in them, but it feels true. There'd been a distrust towards the rest of the world, a wariness.]
[At the sound of Ken's voice, that snaps him out of it, and he turns his head to look at Ken.]
...We're talking about when he died without taking us. And... Today, his ex came up to me trying to talk bad about him.
[That's sure a way to explain it.]
Not wanting us to be dragged into it... [His eyes glance over to Hakkai again.] ...doesn't make sense when we're your shinki.
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Ken, sukiyaki is a way to cook things together at the table. Everything here should cook quickly, and you can put it in the pot, then pick it out with a little of the sauce when you're ready to eat it.
[Those questions handled, he's forced to turn to the more serious ones. He blows his breath out, settling back.]
Those two subjects are related. Although I should say, Gojyo's not my "ex." We'd barely agreed to be friends, and I believe that's now over.
What he was, was my second god, when I was a shinki. You've heard some of this. [During his ablution. He sits forward in his chair, reaching out to flip the meat and the mushroom with more focus than the food really calls for.] I cared for him very much and blamed myself for failing to support him, and then again for his disappearance. To see him again as a shinki...
I didn't react very well. And I'm afraid he's been frightened of me, too, or at least of what I represent -- someone who knew him when he had all of his memories intact.
He doesn't want to know me, or to be close to me. [And, it seems, the fact that Gojyo still finds him attractive makes that worse. Hakkai, at least, isn't willing to pretend attraction can pave over the kind of fear and revulsion Gojyo spits at him, the kind that would drive him to consider wiping away his memories through death to escape the pain of knowing who Hakkai is. Hakkai's eyebrows crimp together, as he stares at the bubbles clinging to the edge of a strip of mostly-cooked beef, and he's silent for a moment before he continues.]
In any case... things came to a head at the moon-viewing. He and I had both been affected strongly, I'd fought with Ayumu-- I told him how I became a youkai. I'd killed a thousand or more of them, trying to rescue my lover from a youkai clan that kidnapped her. He was shocked, and stormed out, and I... [He laughs, abruptly. His voice is high and tense.] I was upset. I went home, too.
It distracted me quite badly. [Distracted, and worse. Perhaps most importantly, he'd found it so easy to believe no one should risk themselves for him, that no one would regret his loss, or want to support him.] I'd already agreed to help Ross with his god, Loki, who'd refused to release him despite his requests, and who has done worse to other shinki I know. I should have done more planning, or brought you two, and Ayumu...
[He shakes his head, and reaches to transfer the food from the pot to his plate with quick, jerky gestures.]
I won't excuse my mistakes, but that's what happened. Ross had Loki's schedule, and I wanted to take the opportunity too badly to put the right precautions in place. It turned into a fight immediately, and we both died.
[Asshole, apparently, had survived, walked home, and not spoken a word of explanation. It's a shame he's not as big a gossip as he once had been.]
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Tactical errors have been made.
He spends the thirty seconds or so he's able to bring himself to wait poking the meat around in the pan, getting it cooked with a decent amount of evenness - though to a questionable level of doneness - before he picks it up and stuffs it into his mouth. It's only after he's eaten it that he looks up, with only half-heard and half-remembered fragments of the conversation thus far.] Who's Gojyo, byon? [Not explaining the key players in this drama may have been another mistake.] And what's a youkai? [Ken is, after all, not native to Japan, and doesn't have much knowledge of Japanese folklore; he has no context for the word.
Trying to explain things to Ken and Chikusa at the same time is...an experience. It's like trying to explain a concept to a college student and an inattentive eight-year-old simultaneously.]
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[Throughout the entirety of Hakkai's explanation, Chikusa has been slowly and patiently sorting through every slice of meat with his own chopsticks. He's quiet, at least, taking in the information on his own time. It explains a lot, at least, especially why Gojyo is so.... weird.]
[By the time Ken has snatched his own slice of meat out from the pan, Chikusa has come to a stop. A soft sigh rustles out of him, and he stares up at Hakkai pointedly over the pot.]
[...Or maybe that's a stare of challenge, because right as Ken finishes speaking, Chikua dumps one of the largest slices of meat down into the pan, apparently claimed for himself.]
[But he knows his partner, at least, and snaps his chopsticks in front of Ken's face before he can get too distracted by the move.]
Redhead. He had long hair, but it's short now. I think I saw him with Ayumu at that thing... [The banquet. But then, Chikusa was so out of commission during that time, who knows if his memory is particularly reliable for that.]
Basically... Hakkai killed lots of demons, and became one himself... And, without his memories, Gojyo thinks that's a bad thing, but still wants to kiss him, but it blew up, and they were both upset after... so Hakkai was stupid and did stupid things like not take us with him when he went to kill someone to help this other guy, and that's how he died.
[And with that, Chikusa starts to dump some vegetables of his own into the pan, going for a little bit of everything.]
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He looks down at his plate, instead, where his own food is slowly cooling. Chikusa's summary isn't wrong, but it stings badly, in the places where Hakkai wants to question it. Without his memories, Gojyo thinks that's a bad thing, for example.
It's not as if it's a good thing, memory or no.
Hakkai closes his eyes for a moment, controlling himself, before he opens them, sets his chopsticks down and scoots his chair back with a loud scrape.]
Ah -- I'm making myself a cup of tea. Would either of you like one?
[He turns to the counter, picking up the kettle and filling it in a brief flurry of activity.]
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[Ken knows there are people who frown upon killing humans, but demons are bad, right? So killing them should be good.
He squints as Hakkai fusses with the tea, not answering the question. It's obvious to him that Hakkai is uncomfortable and trying to play it off; Ken's good at picking up on emotions even if he's bad with ideas.]
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No...
[He's not really one for tea, frankly, and the food should keep him occupied for the time being. Instead, he nudges the food around, making sure it all cooks well, before he takes in Ken's question. It's a good one, and.... one he's not entirely sure he's able to answer himself, although he supposes he could make a guess if he tried. Still, it's better to not waste the effort, and instead let Hakkai himself field that question.]
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I'm a demon, Ken. So are some of my friends. We're not any worse than humans are -- which is to say, there are some youkai who the world would be better off without, and there are some who are innocent.
Humans often think otherwise, of course.
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So what're you gonna do about this Gojyo guy, Hakkai-sama? [Ken starts putting more food in the pan to cook while he talks.] I dunno why he's so mad that you're strong. You getting killed was stupid and annoying, but it's not gonna happen again, right? And if you get Gojyo to stop being stupid, you won't be stupid either, right?
[Ken continues to have a very simplistic view of the world.]
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[At least, an emotional idiot, which is the most Chikusa thinks he can ask.]
[Give him a second to chew all of this...]
Then... We'll have to have him understand the murder. He already did once before if you two knew each other, so...
[Theoretically, it could happen again. Just-]
It just has to be someone who isn't you. [Since Hakkai apparently sucks at it.]
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He didn't know why Gojyo had been so understanding before. He didn't know why Gojyo had accepted it, other than that he had been lonely enough to take in even a half-dead murderer for company. Hakkai had met Banri. He doesn't have too many illusions about the sort of people Gojyo was willing to keep company with.
Maybe, without the memories that let him undervalue himself so badly, he just has higher standards now.]
I don't know if it's really the murder, or if that's just his latest excuse.
[He picks up the cup and turns back to the table. His monocle is fogged with steam, but he doesn't notice; the eye behind it is blind regardless.]
I think it's the thought that I knew him as a god that really bothers him. But if he's telling people about my crimes....
[Hakkai sighs, and takes his seat, setting the cup down with a decisive click.]
I might have to deal with that.
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[That's more or less how Ken reacted to being forgotten by his god, anyhow.]
If he doesn't remember you, though, you just need to make him like you again. You and Hibari forgot me and I just started over with you guys, byon. [He pauses for a moment, thoughtful.] ...maybe he's mad 'cause you're not trying to make him like you again. If you guys used to like each other, and he forgot you, but he knows he used to like you, and you're not trying to make him like you again...he might be mad 'cause he thinks he's not worth you trying to make him like you again.
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[He starts to raise a leek to his mouth, only to pause.]
....But Ken's probably right. I think... You're both too stupid for anything but plain honesty. Anyway.... If he actually hated you, he'd never deal with you again, or at least put more effort into spreading news like that. Everyone has a phone....
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Maybe he's mad 'cause you're not trying to make him like you again...
Maybe Ken's right. Or maybe it's past that, now. Hakkai rolls the bitter tea across his tongue, looking down to veil the uncertainty in his eyes.]
...and he can't help forgetting me, any more than I could help forgetting, when I was a shinki. There's no point in being angry.
[He's angry regardless, a little. Not that Gojyo's forgotten him, of course. No: what he's angry about is that Gojyo's feelings towards him have been so different, with nothing more than a different meeting between them. He can't understand it. He's failed terribly at trying to change it.]
Right now, I'm trying to keep my distance from him. I think he needs... [His smile, as he looks down, is sharp as a knife.] ... no. I'm too much of a coward to try again just yet.
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[Ken looks over at Hakkai.] You could just tell him you want him to like you again, byon. You could even ask him what'd make him like you. Even if he hates you right now, that'd have to count for something, right?
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[A couple more chews, followed by a swallow, before he raises a shoulder almost enough to qualify as half a shrug.]
Well. If you want to be a coward, we could handle it. Ken... might get through to him better than me. Since... they're similar enough, I guess.
[In that they're complete idiots. Chikusa at least views Ken positively despite this. Gojyo gets no excuse.]
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Thank you. I... do appreciate the offer.
[He looks up, one eye dark, the other glass-green and unrevealing as always.]
But I don't intend to stay a coward forever. I want a little time first, that's all.
[If Gojyo plans to let him have any time. He can't make a clean break, not with his own foolish revelations constantly coming back to nip at his heels; he can't relax like this, either.
If only it were all as simple as Ken seems to think it should be. Maybe Ken's the one he should be sending to talk to Gojyo after all -- but no, at this rate Gojyo's likely to snap at him too. They'd like each other, if they didn't meet with Hakkai standing between them, he thinks. They should like each other.]
I think it'll be easier for us to talk after we've both calmed down.
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You could at least tell him what you wanna do. And ask him when and how would be okay to do it. He can't be mad about it if he gets to pick, right? [On the one hand, this is logically sound. On the other hand, this just illustrates that Ken doesn't know Gojyo.]
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