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Who: Cho Hakkai, Kakimoto Chikusa, Joshima Ken
When: Jan 11, evening
Where: Li Tieguai's temple
What: Hakkai appreciates that his homicidal teenagers are just looking out for his well-being, but can they stop accosting his ex?
Warnings: Just conversation, though sensitive subjects may come up -- warnings in comment titles.

[He's had a long to-do list today. It's deliberate; keeping himself busy helps, although he finds himself checking his phone (and pausing, vague-eyed, to check on his shinki) more often than he strictly needs to.

It's been a few days since Chikusa's disastrous encounter with Gojyo. Things, as far as Hakkai can tell, aren't likely to get much better between himself and Gojyo, not in the short term. Things certainly aren't likely to get any friendlier between Chikusa and Gojyo. In other words: he's going to need to make sure that at least they don't have any confrontations ending in violence.

Not again, anyway.

He texts Chikusa and Ken after lunch: We need to talk about dealing with Gojyo. After dinner?

And, unless they skip out on dinner, as soon as the dishes are clean he's sitting back down at the table, taking a deep breath, and trying to set things in order in his mind. It's always easier to have difficult conversations in a relaxed setting, he's read. He's not sure it's true.]

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[Ken doesn't look surprised when Hakkai tells them about Gojyo's arm, because he isn't.] Gojyo told me what happened to his arm, at least. He said you didn't mean to. So...I know he still cares about you. Because if he hated you, and he wanted to cause problems for you, he could've lied and said you did something bad to him. Even though he kind of wanted me to say bad stuff about you, he told me the truth.

...but him caring about you doesn't mean much if he's all selfish and stupid and keeps making you both miserable 'cause he won't listen to you or anybody else.

[Ken looks over at Chikusa, eyes earnest and serious.] I was already not gonna do anything more with Gojyo, but you need to leave him alone too, Kakipi. I know he's a jerk and you don't like him, and I know he picks fights, but...we care about Hakkai-sama more than him. At least enough to do what Hakkai-sama wants. So even if he tries to mess with us, or says bad things about our gods, or threatens us...we should still do what's best for Hakkai-sama, 'cause Gojyo won't.

But mostly we should just avoid him unless we can't help it. Talking to him doesn't do anything good anyway. And I don't like talking to him. [His eyes darken for a moment.] I'd do it if it'd help Hakkai-sama, but since it doesn't...

[On that, Chikusa will have to disagree, and he doesn't shy away from meeting Hakkai's gaze squarely.]

Dying... [One hand crawls up, fingers curling loosely into the area over his lung.] ..can change a lot of things.

[And it's impossible to tell what it will change until it's happened. Chikusa and Ken had forgotten each other. Ayumu had quit being Hakkai's exemplar. Chikusa's own body is different, now, in form and in vessel. To say that kind of thing so easily...]

[His chin ducks slightly, gaze lowering, before he turns to look at Ken. At this point, he knows that's the only thing they can do, or at least it's the option everyone else would want. But...]

...He blighted Hakkai-sama. [He says it slowly, and his eyebrows actually draw together a fraction over uneasy pale eyes.] On purpose. He wouldn't answer one question... and so he blighted Hakkai-sama to try and get me to do what he wanted.

[Chikusa's died recently, too. Hakkai's gaze lifts from his hands folded on the table to focus on Chikusa's face, his expression remote.]

Let me rephrase. Dying won't make anyone hurt any less.

[Not even the person who dies, not here. It's only a waste of time and knowledge.

His distant expression cracks enough for him to reach up and pull off his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose behind them; his right socket aches the way it often does when he's too tense. Ken sounds as though he's already come to all the conclusions Hakkai's come to about the situation. Chikusa....

Chikusa doesn't sound convinced.]

Ken... I don't think he doesn't care. But I also don't think he likes me very much, and he certainly doesn't trust me.

Chikusa, don't approach him. I don't think he wants to hurt me. I do think he'll do whatever he thinks he has to if he's provoked. Including blighting me.

He...what?

[Ken stares at Chikusa when his partner tells him, perhaps, the most damning thing Ken's ever heard said about anyone. He poisoned someone he loved on purpose, just to blackmail somebody else into doing something. (Technically Gojyo poisoned multiple someones, but Ken doesn't know Ayumu named Gojyo and he may only vaguely be aware that Goku named him. But knowing those facts would just make it infinitely worse.) That it was Chikusa - someone so painfully loyal to Hakkai that he'd died for him recently - is hugely significant in itself, but the mere fact along is horrific enough that the specific implications of who it was aimed at are still almost relegated to a minor side detail.

The stunned, almost sick outrage Hakkai gets as a backwash should tell him what Ken thinks of this, even though Ken can't really form words. (Not that he should be surprised; Gojyo basically hurt everyone Ken loves in one horrific fell swoop.) It's too unbelievable. How can Gojyo say he loves somebody he'd do that to? Ken would take poison himself before poisoning Chikusa, no matter how mad he was at him.

This moves Gojyo to a category well beyond 'someone Ken doesn't understand'. To Ken, this makes Gojyo a monster.]

Hakkai-sama... [Ken doesn't even know what he wants to say. He just gives Hakkai a frightened, almost plaintive look. This is a danger to Hakkai that Ken can't do anything about, and he's not sure Hakkai will choose to do anything about it himself.]

[He knew Ken would understand. That feeling that had struck Chikusa as he'd been standing there in the library, bloodied dull apathy warping in a heartbeat to something frenetically sharp underneath his skin. It had been one thing, when it was only Gojyo's unintentional bad life choices which had been poisoning Hakkai so intently. Then, Chikusa had been wary, uncomfortable, because Hakkai was so willing to self destruct even without an outside party spurring that on... But he had been willing to listen to Hakai, when he'd said to try. He could understand, after all, caring for someone so intensely that it felt sickening to hold it back. Even now, with Axel's place in his world relegated to something unknown and worrying, Chikusa can remember caring so viciously for him.]

[He cares for Ken in the same way. Hakkai, too, a fact that can't be denied any longer.]

[So to bring blight upon Hakkai purposefully... When Hakkai so clearly would take off one of his own hands for him, possibly if Gojyo would only ask... And over something so stupid?]

[Hidden mostly by the table, Chikusa's hand crawls over to Ken, fingers bending sharply against him in subtle pressure.]

...That's hurting you. [Tilting downwards, he glances at Hakkai from beneath his curtain of hair. It's long enough now that he has to tie it back, whenever he cooks.] He didn't "have to" blight you. But his response to a dumb, child argument... was to stab you in the back. Not just you, but whatever other god has named him.

[And it was dumb and childish. Chikusa can outright admit that, after all. It started out at, fittingly, middle school level arguments, and only downgraded from there... up until it escalated, sharp as a heart attack.]

[And frankly?]

I'm not sorry for using my needles against him. [There will be no guilt staining Hakkai's skin. Not from him. Not since when he was first named.] Not after seeing him do that.

And it's that exact reason... that I can't be relieved at the idea that just leaving him alone will stop that kind of thing from happening again. If he'll blight you just because a teenager asked him 'why' one too many times... What else will set him off? [His chin tilts down further again, hiding his face from view.] In what other ways would he throw you under the bus just because it's convenient for him...?

I can't stop thinking about it... Goku says this isn't like him, but it's the only version of him I've seen more often than not.

I know it's hurting me. But I don't think he'd do it just because he wanted to hurt me.

[Gojyo may feel trapped and furious, may lash out whenever he feels that he's being manipulated, may even want to make sure Hakkai's hurting as much as he is -- since he doesn't believe that any pain that can hide behind a remote expression is sincere -- and yet.

Hakkai looks down at his hands, noting the whitening over his knuckles, and relaxes them.]

Chikusa, I don't want you to ever use your needles against him again. If something he does scares you, you call me, because he's only fighting with you as a proxy for fighting with me in any case.

[And Hakkai may as well be the other half of that fight, and not Chikusa, who takes Gojyo altogether too seriously sometimes.]

I can't revoke his name, though. As long as he bears it, I can know if he's in danger.

[Without that... without that, Gojyo can lose an arm and Hakkai wouldn't know.]

But...he can put you in danger, Hakkai-sama! He can poison you! [Ken looks deeply distressed by this.] Even if he doesn't mean to! And even if he's in trouble, he'll probably just get mad if you try to help him anyway... [Ken hasn't ever seen Gojyo accept help from anyone else, about anything he seriously needed help with, without getting pissed off. He's not sure Gojyo has other ways to react to being helped.] If he won't let you help him anyway, what's the point of knowing if he's in trouble or not?

Edited 2018-09-06 07:23 (UTC)

[In response to Ken's passionate plea and questions, Chikusa doesn't say anything. All he does is duck his head, not meeting Hakkai's gaze. Unlike his partner, he knows Gojyo might, sometimes, accept Hakkai's help. He'd accepted it when he'd allowed Hakkai to take him to his temple, when he'd stayed, when he'd surrendered to him during that disastrous dinner one night. With the occasional success, he can see why Hakkai would want to so desperately hold onto Gojyo's name.]

[But while he's doing that...]

[Chikusa isn't going to make a promise he can't keep.]

[Chikusa doesn't respond. Chikusa doesn't even acknowledge the request; he ducks his head, instead, avoiding Hakkai's stare as Ken argues aloud.

He can poison you, Ken declares dramatically, he won't let you help him anyway.

Hakkai's expression freezes over, inch by inch, growing cold and remote.]

Yes, Ken, he can. So could you. That risk is just part of naming a shinki. I trust him not to kill me, and I don't care about a little blight.

[If Gojyo truly, sincerely tried to kill him, Hakkai is not sure he'd resist. But that's not where they are. Yes, Gojyo's upset. Hakkai's upset, too; they'd had a nasty fight, and he feels betrayed, and he wouldn't be surprised if Gojyo feels the same. That doesn't mean they're a deadly danger to each other.]

Whether he does it on purpose or not, I don't care.

He wouldn't be the first friend I allowed to poison me, would he, Chikusa?

[Ken flinches a little at Hakkai's response, both at the words and the tone in which he says them.] But... [He looks startled, upset.] Hurting you on purpose...

[The words trail off as Ken hunkers down, looking between Chikusa and Hakkai; there's a sharp ache of confusion and hurt that Hakkai will be privy to. Ayumu had thought that Ken and Chikusa and Hakkai were like the people who tortured and killed her, simply because they'd been trying to save her with an ablution; now Hakkai seems to think that Ken potentially hurting him by accident, and Gojyo's choosing to blight Hakkai on purpose because he was mad at Chikusa, would be one and the same. That Gojyo being willing to deliberately blight Hakkai, when they've seen what blight can do to people, isn't even important, and that Ken has no business worrying about it.

First Ayumu, then Gojyo, and now Hakkai. Everyone Ken worries about, everyone Ken tries to help - not only do they not want his help, not only do they all seem like they'd rather die than be helped by him, but...they've gotten mad at him for trying. They think worse of him for trying. They just want him to mind his own business, even if it means not protecting the people he cares about.

Ken presses against Chikusa's leg a little, not willing to risk saying anything else.]

Edited 2018-09-12 11:08 (UTC)

[It's not only from Ken that Hakkai will feel the sharp sting of misery. Disrupting the usual calm nothingness that stretches out between him and Hakkai, Chikusa's own hurt ripples across it- a skipping stone over a calm lake.]

...That... how is that the same? [Betrayal twists through their connection, ruining the otherwise quiet voice that could possibly fool anyone else not privy to his true emotions.] When I tested that poison on you... I told you what I wanted to do. I asked for your permission to do it. And... if I'd known you were already so blighted... I wouldn't have done it at all.

[Even if he hadn't been as close to Hakkai as he is now, although it had been a risk to trust him with something so important... Chikusa still wouldn't have wanted to see him turn into an ayakashi. He wouldn't have wanted to lose one of the few reliable people he knew, or go through that effort of killing him.]

[Finally, Chikusa nudges his head upwards, mouth uncharacteristically twisted slightly. That ache isn't going away anytime soon.]

The only other time I've ever subject you to blight... was when you first named me. Ken, too. [Of that, he's fairly certain.] We can keep you safe from what we do. We can keep you safe in a fight.

But Gojyo... What are we supposed to do? [The question him and Ken both have; Chikusa's fingers curl against Ken's own leg to become a proper grip.] I didn't search him out that time... and I won't search him out in the future either. I won't use poisons against him, especially anything seriously lethal. But...

[He pauses, wavering, and his brow trembles, on the verge of squeezing tightly together.]

Please... [The word has to be pulled out from his throat, heavy and unused.] Don't... tell us to do nothing... if he's right there in front of us doing something to purposefully hurt you. You even said him trying to punch you is how he got his arm broken...

So even if you don't care... [Another stutter of silence, the admission too vulnerable and open.]

[Even if Hakkai doesn't care if he gets hurt, they do.]

[Hakkai breathes out on a sigh, picks his glasses back up off the table, and puts them back on.]

I'm sorry. I know-- I know that you both try, and I know you wouldn't deliberately hurt me.

[His tone is quiet, apologetic; the icy chill has gone. He's afraid for Gojyo, but that doesn't mean he needs to lash out at Ken and Chikusa for it. Not even if Gojyo's blaming them. They've tried, and even if they don't care about Gojyo's welfare, they do care about his.]

And I shouldn't have said that, Chikusa. It's true, I agreed to let you try that poison on me, and it's not the same.

[The same, perhaps, in that he doesn't particularly care about being injured; but not the same in motive and not in purpose.]

But when it comes to Gojyo... I really do trust him not to kill me, and for anything less, watching you fight him would hurt me more than anything he could do to me. Please don't.

[Chikusa may not have ever blighted Hakkai, but Ken might be starting to do so now; he's definitely feeling guilty, even if he isn't sure what he did wrong. But he knows he hasn't done things right, knows he hasn't helped even when he tried...in a lot of cases recently, actually. Ever since Ayumu's ablution. He couldn't even help Chikusa.

He's trying not to feel guilty, but it's like trying to hold water in his hands without any of it draining. It slips through the cracks despite his best efforts. Which...isn't helped by the horrified idea he's now latched onto, that blighting Hakkai on accident is as bad as doing it on purpose, which just makes him feel guiltier about feeling guilty.

He doesn't know what to say, so he ends up not saying anything. He's already made his intention not to engage with Gojyo further clear, so he's pretty sure Hakkai is addressing Chikusa anyway.]

[In contrast to his partner's own emotions, Chikusa's ease up a bit until the strain of them can no longer be felt along the connection shared between god and shinki. That doesn't mean he's not upset, or concerned... but it's no longer breaching the surface again.]

....I'll avoid him... [He already was to begin with, so this isn't as much of a promise.] If I see him try to hurt you, I might still react automatically... like then... but...

[Trying to watch himself is the best he can do. He's still working on straightening out his own kneejerk reactions in combat from the ablution with Ayumu. When it comes to something like this... He knows there's no way he can make any sort of promise that will assuredly keep its place.]

[After a moment of silence, his head bowing down again, something off finally reaches him, and Chikusa stops thinking of himself for a moment. After all, there's been one party that's been far too quiet, and that realization has him turn his head towards his partner. Ken should be the one doing all the talking, but, for the last minute, it's been him in that role.]

....Ken...

[That's as much of a promise as Hakkai can hope to extract from Chikusa. He nods, understanding, and casts a glance at Ken as he feels the tightness in his chest drawing a little tighter, the faint sick ache of guilt threatening behind it.]

Ken?

[His tone is gentler.]

Ken, you haven't done anything wrong.

[Hakkai's feelings about Gojyo are a mess. It's not Ken's fault, though. His desire to protect Hakkai may be misplaced, here, and his fear of Gojyo unnecessary--

-- but it's not as if he means any malice by it, at least. Gojyo's likely perspective on the matter aside.]

...you don't want us to help 'cause we make things worse, right? [Ken glances sidelong at Hakkai, keeping his face turned toward Chikusa, as though he's unwilling to look directly at him.] Ayumu was upset we tried to help her, too. And Gojyo's never not been mad when we tried to help him. And I couldn't even protect Kakipi...

I wanna help. I wanna protect people. But...Kakipi died, and Ayumu thought we were torturing her, and things with you and Gojyo keep getting worse 'cause of us. [A hand seeks out Chikusa's sleeve, fisting fingers in the fabric.] I haven't been able to help anybody...and nobody even wants me to.

[The guilt is getting bad. Nowhere near ablution bad, it only just started and it would take a major event to throw it into high gear...but enough that the purplish bruise of it is going to start visibly blossoming on the back of his neck, unfurling slowly like a flower.]

[No other prompting is needed for Chikusa's other hand to fold over Ken's rough knuckles, and he leans in closer to his partner. He'd known that Ken had been hurting, because he's always hurt over not being able to protect the ones most important to him. They're the same, in that they would both gladly give their lives for the one they love.]

[...A problem, then, that they both love each other.]

I want you to, Ken...

[It's not much, but Chikusa has never been particularly good at this kind of comfort. This is all he can offer. It wasn't Ken's fault that what happened with Ayumu's ablution went as it did. Their positions were too far apart, they were all exhausted after hours of holding up borderlines...]

[Not unlike the first time he'd died, Chikusa had done it for someone else, too, with no time for anything else to happen.]

[Honestly, it's a pity that they don't have another serial killer around. That, surely, would help his partner see his worth again.]

[Ken's guilt bites into Hakkai's neck like acid. His expression is blank, briefly, as he stops himself from flinching. No one even wants me to--

He doesn't want them to help with this. He can't argue that their attempts to help haven't made it worse, but with everything that's happened, it's a bad time not to want Ken's help with this. He breathes in, forcing down the pain of his aching neck, and meets Ken's gaze, expression even.]

Ken... what happened with Ayumu wasn't your fault. I misjudged the situation, and she couldn't bear it, even though we did try to help her.

With this, you and Chikusa can't help me. I know you want to.

[He breathes again: inhale. Exhale. It's not the pain of the blight that's making it so hard to speak calmly.]

But if anything's going to be better between me and Gojyo, it's something that we have to work on between ourselves. You and Chikusa can help by supporting me in other ways.

[The guilt subsides somewhat. Ken, unlike Chikusa, is very emotional; he's far more likely to blight Hakkai than Chikusa is ~~if one doesn't take poisons into account~~. But the flip side of his being so emotional, so simple, is that his heart can be eased much more easily than someone like Gojyo's or Ayumu's. Hakkai and Chikusa may not have completely turned his mood around, but it's clearly improved already.]

We wanna help, Hakkai-sama. [Ken finally looks at him properly.] So...what'd help?

[Ken's hand squeezes Chikusa's.]

Edited 2018-09-20 12:59 (UTC)

[Quietly, Chikusa squeezes right back.]

...We'll try whatever's needed.

[He glances over at Hakkai too, still partially hiding behind his own mess of hair. There's no promise in his words, because he can't promise everything. It's why he can't promise that he won't drug Gojyo again at some point.]

[...But he'll try. Him and Ken both.]

[Ah. Now, Hakkai reflects, he has to come up with specifics. There's a lot that feels overwhelming, but if he can at least spend a little time not terrified for the life of anyone he cares for at the hands of anyone else he cares for...

Well. That would be an improvement. Chikusa and Ken promising to give Gojyo space is a good starting point. He might still have to worry about how Gojyo's treating them, and how to convince them that Gojyo isn't ruining Hakkai's life either, but.

It's a start.]

I want to know more about what's going on here. I've been letting personal things distract me for too long.

[He looks up at them, and smiles, wearily.] And I don't want to dwell on that anymore. I know you've both been keeping an eye on things. Why don't you tell me what you think about all of this? That forest god, and everything....

[Ken blinks, then looks at Chikusa with some faint unease.] ...I dunno. I'm not good at figuring out stuff. I don't need to know why people are trying to mess with you to stop them.

[And this is where Ken's dangerous levels of loyalty come into play; the implication is that he'd want and seek to protect Hakkai no matter who came after him, or why. Including people with perfectly justifiable, sympathetic reasons for attacking Hakkai. Either Ken wouldn't even think to ask, or - more likely - no reason would be good enough in his eyes, and thus such information is immaterial and unnecessary to deciding his own course of action.]

Besides, nobody knows why this stuff is happening, right? Even people who're way smarter than me. So there's no way I'd figure it out. [He looks over at Chikusa again, somewhat expectantly.] Kakipi thinks better than me.

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