thenearshore | 32 - Blow Your Top

Don't. [ Gojyo raises his freshly healed hand, before Hakkai can go any further. ] Stop apologizing for blastin' me, I mean it.

[ Hakkai looks okay -- there's no fresh circles under his eyes, he's not sweating, nothing that Gojyo would expect to see if he overdid it with the magic.

That's good.

That means he can leave. ]

More of this place's fucked up magic juice leaked out and poisoned you, [he says, sternly, sliding out of the driver's seat. He's feeling a little shaky and weak, but he'll be okay. A walk and some fresh air will clear his head, and he'll be fine. ] ...And that's th'last I want to hear about it.

I'm not apologizing for blasting you.

[He'd done that. This is... Hakkai sits up straighter in the passenger seat, turning towards Gojyo, hands poised on his knees.]

I'm apologizing for hurting you.

[And the physical wounds are the least of it, over the last half-year they've spent taking alternating chunks out of each other.]

[ Oh. Of course. Of course he is. Of course this isn't over yet.

Gojyo turns, giving Hakkai the respect of a face-to-face confession. ]

It wasn't a dream. The other night? When you and Ayumu and Goku all came to check on my nightmare?

[ In retrospect, he'd have expected Goku to drop in. Ayumu he wouldn't have expected -- she's more likely to politely nag him the next day until he spills all his secrets.

Hakkai showing up? Well, that just makes him a better man than Gojyo is. ]

It wasn't a nightmare. [ He's certain about this -- he talked it over with Goku, so he's sure. ] There was a little youkai boy and a man-sized... I dunno. But it was mean, and they'd killed all of you. Or fake killed, anyway, [ he corrects himself, with an eyeroll. Goku had been adamant about that, that they weren't really dead, but it didn't change anything. ] In the memory, I thought you were dead. And I know I'd wished for it.

Did I ever admit to that?

[It's not news that it was a memory; it's not news what memory it was, either, because Goku had told him as much. It's not news, either, that the child and his monstrous 'brother' had gone after them because Gojyo had been talking carelessly about his asshole friends.

Hakkai's expression is curious, but not surprised.]

I don't think I can tell you that.

['Fake killed.' Well, at least Gojyo knows they hadn't really been murdered in that moment....]

But I knew, yes.

[ Yeah, yeah, he can't answer that question... except he kinda can, can't he? Gojyo nods, his theory confirmed. ]

Then until you go out and hire somebody to kill me, there's nothin' you owe me an apology for.

[He really isn't making it easy to apologize, Hakkai reflects; there's no way to get past an airy dismissal like that one without either being much too serious or skating too close to things Hakkai can't say.

There's no option, in other words. He lets out a breath, posture proper enough to look brittle, and murmurs:]

I still can't understand you.

[They'd fought, Gojyo had fought with his shinki, he'd refused even to acknowledge Hakkai showing up at his bar, and now-- what? He's trying for friendly banter, confessing memories, and brushing off the tension between them with It's okay, I probably tried to have you killed once?

Regardless, it looks like he's planning to walk away. Hakkai supposes he could start another fight about that if he wanted.

He feels brittle, hallucinations or no. He breathes out, and shifts over into the abandoned driver's seat, instead.]

[ If he could have one wish, Gojyo thinks, bitterly, just one wish... it would be to never again have somebody say I just don't understand you, ever again. ]

It's not that complicated. I finally listened. [ He listened to Hakkai, to Goku... to Sharak, when she was here. To Genjo, for the few hours they knew each other. To Doku. Everyone's been telling him the same thing, over and over, and over and over he's stuck his fingers in his ears and run the other way. But now, finally, he's listened. ] If I'm really Gojyo, and these memories really are mine, like you've all been tellin' me, then I'm responsible for the things I remember doing. I tried to get you all kil--

[ But he's interrupted as another earthquake rumbles down from the volcano, but it's just a little one, all rumble and no real movement. Still, Gojyo freezes, hands out and stance wide, until it passes. ]

I'm gettin' really tired of those.

[He could try making sense. Hakkai settles his hands on Jeep's wheel, the plastic still warm from Gojyo's hands, and his gaze jerks up and away to the mountains at the rumble of the quake. It doesn't linger, and the ground doesn't sway beneath them, this time.

Eventually, his gaze falls back to Gojyo, searching and dark.]

It's up to you what you want to take responsibility for. It's not...

[His breath slips out, unvoiced, and he has to inhale again before he can try to find words.]

It doesn't have anything to do with who you are. [Is Gojyo saying he's resisted the idea of being Gojyo because he's been resisting whatever guilt he's heaped on that identity? Whatever he thinks he'd done... Hakkai remembers him insisting that it was the scars on his body that made him worthy of blame, months ago. Now it's a memory he'd just gotten back, of a moment when casually telling stories to a little boy had drawn them all into an ambush.

There's always a reason, isn't there?]

I don't care who you think you are. I care who you think I am.

[ There's always a reason. Last time it took three years of domestic bliss plus who knows how many months on the road before Gojyo stopped hating himself just for existing. Here, with impulses he doesn't understand and conflicting stories about who he's supposed to be? He doesn't stand a chance. ]

Who I think you are? [ Gojyo's voice hardens, and he can't look at Hakkai except sideways. ] I think you're a spoiled brat, mostly.

[ He doesn't know if this is 'Gojyo'-like behavior or not, and right at this moment he doesn't much care. He's exhausted, it's been an emotionally turbulent afternoon, and what can he say? He's feeling honest. ]

I think you... are the kindest, most patient man who was ever born, so long as nobody disagrees with you. [ Just ask Ayumu about that. Or Sharak, for that matter. ] I think that you really love h-- me, but I think that sometimes, you wish I wasn't here. That I was wherever Sharak and Genjo and Tsuzuki are. [ Hakkai undoubtedly feels the jolt of grief at the mention of Tsuzuki -- that's a loss he won't be getting over any time soon. But he crushes it down quickly -- he's getting better at that part, at least.

Just like he's getting better at putting his thoughts into words. ]

And I don't think you know what you want. From me, from this place, from yourself, from any of it. I think you're every bit as lost and confused as I am, but you've got this idea that you're the boss, you're the one who has to make the hard decisions, so you won't ever ask for help. ...Because you think you're better than me.

[ But for all that vitriol, he's not angry. Not attacking. If anything, he sounds sad -- this is just the way things are, says his tone, says his posture, says the set to his jaw. This is just how his life is, and he's trying to be okay with it. ]

How close am I?

[At least he's being honest. Hakkai's breath puffs out, and he looks down at Jeep's steering wheel. Gojyo's grief at his friend's name blends easily into his own, raw and harsh, and it's unfair, isn't it, that he can keep his own to himself. There are three other people sharing Gojyo's. No wonder he's hiding those feelings so fast.]

Where Kanan is? [That's very quiet, almost hollow.] Yes, I'm lost. I've told you I don't know what I'm doing.

I thought I was asking you for help. I thought I've been--

[He pulls one of his hands away from the steering wheel before he clenches it hard enough to damage Jeep, letting it ball into a fist on his knee.

You think you're better than me.]

-- I can't stand myself, Gojyo, how do you think I could love someone I thought I was better than?

[ Where Kanan is. That's right.

If he's going to trust that his memories are real, then he has to believe that the possessed bodies he's heard about really had everyone's ghosts in them, too. That really was Kanan, the woman Hakkai murdered a thousand people to save.

God. How did he bear it? ]

You don't show it. [I can't stand myself. Fuck, they really are a pair, aren't they? ] I don't get to listen in on your feelings, I don't know when you're sad or scared or, or guilty... And you're always smiling. You don't let me in, [ and he beats one fist on his chest, angrily, right over his heart, ] and I can't keep you out. [ But no, he's not angry. His fists are clenched, but he doesn't want to take a swing at Hakkai. He wants Hakkai at his back -- at his side -- as they beat the snot out of whoever put them into this situation.

He wants to hold him, comfort him. ...Be held by him. But that point of their relationship is long gone, that kind of trust burned away by months of confrontation. He needs Hakkai to trust him, and there's no reason Hakkai should trust him -- his heart's stuck at an impasse, and it twists painfully in his chest.

All his steam runs out and he droops where he stands, just a loser in the middle of the street, struggling for the right words. ]

That's what I need. [ For better or worse. He takes a deep breath. ] What do you need?

I don't know how to show it and still bear it.

[That admission sounds hollow, too. Gojyo's stronger than he is that way. Gojyo can pin his heart on his sleeve; Hakkai can hardly bear to let himself glimpse his own. And here they are, Hakkai feeling Gojyo's every pang of misery, Gojyo-- Gojyo not even sure how to see when he doesn't mean his smile.

He'd never learned how not to smile; Gojyo'd learned how to read them. It's his own turn to learn, or give up. The thought scrapes him rawer: he's afraid that it'll hurt them both if he opens up, because it has, every time, it has. And then there's the other fear, that if he relaxes his control, he won't be able to get it back before he's elbow-deep in blood.

Not Gojyo's, at least. Amaterasu's shinki's, probably: he's a little too furious, a little too desperate, to really let go. He knows himself that well.]

I just... [He sounds wrung-out, wounded; he hears it in his own voice, winces, and goes on anyway.]

I can't ask you to like me if you don't. I've never deserved it.

I just wish you'd stop assuming I must be the boss, that I'm arranging everything that happens, that I'm giving everyone but you orders -- stop interpreting everything I say in the most uncharitable possible way.

[He has to stop to catch his breath. He is mad, a little. Mostly he's frustrated, and hurt, and he sounds it.

It's been a long day and it's not even done.]

I wish you'd believe I care about you at least as much as Ayumu does.

[ As much as Ayumu does? Is he fucking kidding? ]

If I called Ayumu for help because her shinki had me cornered, do you think she would’ve just left me there?

[ Yeah, Hakkai showed up – finally. But only after Gojyo had blighted the hell out of him. Only after Chikusa had killed him. ]

You can’t show me when you’re hurting, you don’t show me when you’re happy, you make me have to guess what’s goin’ on with you all the time, and then when I guess wrong you get mad! I’ve been out here losing my goddamn mind trying to make sense of things, and when I’ve tried to talk to you about it, you just tell me to stop it. You tell me I’m wrong, you tell me...

[ He throws up his hands in despair. ]

You treat me like I’m an idiot, Hakkai! Every idea I have, every time I sit and really think about what’s goin’ on with us shinki, with heaven, or with us, with you and me, and all I ever hear is no, Gojyo, that’s wrong, Gojyo, don’t be ridiculous Gojyo. Just do what I tell you to, Gojyo.

[ Boiling over with frustration, he slaps his index fingertip against his temple, hand held like a gun. ] Is it any fucking wonder that sometimes I...!

[ No. No. No, dammit, he’s not thinking this. Not here. He bites the thought off, clenching the ‘gun’ tight into a fist, and he turns his back to Hakkai, sucking in a shuddering breath to try bring himself back down. ]

Edited 2018-09-11 18:25 (UTC)

You think Ayumu might assume you could deal with a sixteen-year-old boy asking you awkward questions all on your own? I think she might!

[Especially if she'd been hurting--

Well. She doesn't have much of a record of caring about Hakkai's feelings, no matter how clearly he tries to explain them to her. Maybe she's been better with Gojyo.

He's shaking, hot and cold in waves, the sight of Gojyo's fingertip pressed against his forehead like a gun barrel (and saying it's Hakkai's fault, again, saying it's because of what he says, what he does) as stark and lingering as the false vision of his torn throat. Worse, because it's real.]

I don't treat you like an idiot, I keep trying to talk to you about whatever you bring up, and you shut down every time! If you're hearing, "that's ridiculous," that's because you aren't listening to me.

Can't you think about me without assuming the worst?

Can't you just ask me, and if you're wrong, can't I say so without you thinking it means I think you're stupid or worthless when you're just wrong? [He brings his fist down on his knee, hard enough to bruise, and his gaze snaps up desperately to seek Gojyo's, hoping he'll turn.]

Wrong isn't stupid. You're not stupid. But you keep expecting me to be your enemy, and when I say I'm not you either call me a liar or you lash out at me for saying you're wrong.

[ He almost interrupts at the sixteen year old boy comment, but instead he bites down hard on his tongue and waits for Hakkai to finish. Because Hakkai doesn’t want to hear what he has to say. He doesn’t want to talk. He just wants to be right. Chikusa stalks him, restrains him with a borderline, attacks him, demands to know the most intimate fucking details of what Gojyo’s heart is feeling… and Hakkai thinks Gojyo’s the problem. Chikusa hits him with a borderline in the middle of a meeting, dozens of witnesses to testify that Gojyo hadn’t so much looked in his direction beforehand, but when Gojyo tries to get him to drop it, that’s the attack. That’s the problem. It’s always him – he’s the one who’s wrong. Never Chikusa.

Never Hakkai.

He’s so mad he can barely see. ]

And of course you’re always right. [ He’s not turning around – he’s not sure what his face is giving away, if his eyes are burning from smoke or from anger or from tears, and whatever the cause he’s not going to let Hakkai see that. His voice is level and low, but so full of animosity that it hurts his throat to speak. ] Stupid Gojyo, trustin’ his own ears and eyes. I shoulda been comin’ to you from the beginning, askin’ you to make all my decisions for me, verify what I was thinkin’ and feeling. [ He coughs out a laugh. ] But that’s not you wantin’ to be the boss, no. That’s just comin’ from the goodness of your heart because I’m always so goddamn wrong.

[ How could I love somebody I thought I was better than. What a telling goddamn statement. ]

Of course I'm not always right! [Gojyo's voice has gone poisonous: and there it is again, "stupid Gojyo," there's "I'm always so goddamn wrong"--

Can't he hear anything without fitting it into that story he tells himself, about how Hakkai thinks he's so stupid, Hakkai thinks he's trash, Hakkai's just bossing him around by begging not to be treated like an enemy?

Hakkai's half out of the seat, frozen with one toe touching the ground, between moving towards him and retreating back to Jeep to nurse his wounds. Sulfur and ash and frustration choke his voice to a thread.]

But you're wrong about me. You keep being wrong about me, and you never ask me what I mean, and when I say I want you not to always think the worst of me all you hear is "oh, Hakkai says 'stop it' again."

[Jeep's engine rumbles uneasily.]

Edited 2018-09-11 20:32 (UTC)

[ Maybe, if they’re both lucky, the volcano will erupt and drown them both in lava before too long. ]

So lemme get this straight. The next time you tell me that Chikusa pickin’ a fight with me is my fault, you want me to say gee, actually, I bet he doesn’t mean it. Next time you laugh at me because stupid fucking Sha Gojyo thinks that Amaterasu’s folks might be lyin’ about how we got here, I should laugh too, because you don’t mean anything mean by it. Right? Next time...

[ Fuck. He squeezes his freshly healed hand into such a tight fist that he can feel the skin give way beneath his nails. ]

Next time you tell me that I don’t actually love you, that I’m just here to get my dick wet, you want me to pretend I didn’t hear you right.

[ He can’t turn around and he can’t walk away – how fucking pathetic is this? ]

You don’t want to have to change what you’re doing, or saying... you just don’t want me to be mad at you for it.

[Hakkai's standing, now, arms crossed tight against his chest as he shouts: he doesn't know when he stood up, but he feels as if he's been forced to his feet, the words dragged out of him like barbed wire, scraping his tight throat raw and bloody.]

Maybe I could believe you love me if you'd stop treating me like your enemy! Maybe if whenever I said "stop assuming the worst about me" you didn't do this, you didn't turn on me and say I'm calling you stupid, I'm laughing at you, I'm ruining your life, I make you want to die--

-- is that love?

What do you love when you can't stand anything about me and you won't trust me even a little?

Because if it's just my pretty face-- [His arms are uncrossed, hand on his ear, limiters coming free before he can think, and he hurls them to the ground with a clawed hand. His eyes are burning; the monocle falls free, too, dislodged by the shift of his skull around it and hitting the ash on the ground with a soft gray puff.]

If it's just this face, Gojyo, that's not love.

[ It’s not just his face, he wants to scream back. It’s not just his body – what he feels for Hakkai, he feels in his heart, not his pants! What he feels...

It’s a need, sure. He needs to be around Hakkai like he needs to breathe air. Looking at him raises his mood – even when they’re fighting, there’s no place he feels safer. He doesn’t feel whole, without Hakkai – when they’re apart it’s like he’s missing his arm again. Like his lungs don’t work. Food tastes better when Hakkai’s sitting across the table from him. The sun is warmer. Living makes sense.

But apparently Hakkai doesn’t think he’s capable of anything other than lust. Hakkai thinks he’s just here because he’s got a thing for youkai. After all this time,

Hakkai doesn’t think he can love.

He straightens up, slowly, head held high, breathing deep and slow to try and choke down the knot in his throat. A traitorous tear finally breaks free, streaking the ash on his cheek, but he doesn’t dare raise his hand to wipe it away. Doesn’t dare give Hakkai the satisfaction. It’s from the dust, that’s all. The dust and the burning winds. ]

Is this th’point where I’m supposed to ask you what you mean?

[Hakkai's righteous indignation runs out all at once like water, leaving him fragile, featherlight. He closes his mismatched eyes.]

I mean I don't know how you can love me when you can't stand me.

[Because that's how it always seems to go, isn't it? They can be around each other if they keep it light, if they don't talk about their feelings, or their friends, or their needs, and every time any of those things comes up--

Love doesn't come out of nowhere, Hakkai thinks. Whatever could be built on a foundation as rotten as this, he can't believe it's love.]

[ You don't listen, says Hakkai. You don't actually love me, says Hakkai. Let me tell you when you're wrong.

So maybe he's wrong. ]

Maybe I don't love you.

[ He thinks he knows what love is -- there has to be a name for this feeling, and it sure feels like what he hears in songs, and in movies. Kids walking down the street giggling to each other, he doesn't hear them listing the reasons why they feel the way they do -- they just seem to feel it. But maybe he's been wrong about that. Maybe he's missing something, something obvious, something that everyone else seems to get but that he just can't see. It wouldn't be the first time, would it?

Has he really been wrong about this, this whole time? God, it feels like somebody reached into his chest and pulled his heart out, replaced it with a block of ice.

If he turns around now, he's really going to lose it. Without another word he stumbles off, heading back toward the volcano. ]

[Fear shoots ice through Hakkai's veins as Gojyo stumbles away, not turning, ablaze with pain, and he's following before he has time to think.

(So much of this, he's done without thinking.

Hand closing on Gojyo's sleeve, he thinks: he should start.)]

Can't you at least like me?

[Does it have to be that choice: love without trust or understanding, or no love, no trust and no understanding? If Hakkai has to pick, it will be the latter, because at least he will stop expecting trust or understanding, at least it won't hurt so badly when he's surprised by their absence. But both options are awful, and he'd prefer friendship, even cautious and distant, over them.

Behind them, Jeep, frustrated past the last shreds of his patience, honks rudely, revs his engine, and swings around in a tight half-circle that sends the back left side of his chassis smacking into Hakkai's back with enough force to knock him off his feet. He twists like a cat, trying to avoid slamming into Gojyo, but he had been standing too close to dodge.]

[ He can hear Hakkai running after him, and a not tiny part of him wants to run, too. Run as fast as he can, away from Hakkai and this conversation and all his obligations, find someplace where nobody knows him, nobody relies on him, nobody needs him. Just a hole in the earth, maybe, someplace dark and quiet.

But he can’t. He freezes, instead, when Hakkai grabs him, can’t you at least like me?, and Gojyo twists away. Maybe he can’t. He’s been a bad friend to Ayumu, to Tsuzuki, to Goku… maybe he can’t love, and he can’t like, maybe everyone really would be happier if he was—

But his train of thought is derailed, in order, by Jeep’s honk, Hakkai’s body slamming into his, and his face slamming into the ground. ]

What the...? [ Did… did Hakkai just get hit with his own car? He coughs, and tastes iron – his nose is bleeding, possibly broken, but he can’t help but laugh.

Hakkai just got run over by his own damn car. ]

I don’t think he likes you either! [ Wait, no, shit, this really hurts. ] Ow.

[Trying to dodge Gojyo left no room for trying to soften his own fall, and it didn't even work; Hakkai comes up spitting blood of his own from a scrape where a rock caught his lower lip, and rounds on Jeep. The car is looming over them, rumbling with obvious discontent.]

I don't need your help with this!

[He's driven Gojyo to hate him, he's fought with his other shinki, he's fought with the Heavens, he might as well shout at his dragon, too. It's possible he's not thinking clearly. Jeep's engine noise rises to a threatening rumble, and he edges forward towards Hakkai, kicking up a fine dust of ash from the shoulder.]

Why don't you talk to him--

[...he's shouting at his dragon. Hakkai stops, and rubs his face, smearing ash and a streak of livid blood over his cheek to half-obscure the curled vine there. He looks over at Gojyo, whose nose is gushing blood, looks at his own clawed and filthy fingers, puts his head down on his knees, and starts laughing helplessly.

He's really so bad at all of this.]

[ Pinching his nose shut hurts like a motherfucker, even just pinching it gingerly at the very bottom. It's definitely broken. ]

Ow ow ow fuck, [ he groans, rolling up into a sit and tilting his head back to wait for the bleeding to stop. ] Next time, just do me a favor and run me all the way over, okay Jeep?

[ But at least it's giving him something else to focus on. He owes the little dragon a big treat for that, later. ]

I'm runnin' out of things to break here, fuck.

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cw: suicidal talk

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