thenearshore | Let's Go Out

Entry tags:

Let's Go Out

Who: Rin Matsuoka and Sousuke Yamazaki
Where: Various locations on the Near Shore
When: Mid-August
What: How many ways can “Let’s go out” be interpreted?
Warnings: Knowing them, something awkward/cute/hot/feels is going to happen.

[You don’t need to get closer. There’s no more distance between us. Those are the kind of thoughts he’d expect any logical person to think about their relationship. Between a god and his shinki, living together and growing together, how could they bother with the idea of getting “closer” when their lives were more or less wrapped up within each other’s? They already experienced so much together. Their initial meeting under the shower of cherry blossoms and clouds. A strange bond rushing together with every race they took in the pool to hone their skills as swimmers and conquer Sousuke’s nostalgia. Sharing the burden of pain and poignancy as they met with Rin’s father and helped him return to the afterlife.

Yelling and arguing over the stupidest things (and sometimes not so stupid) from workout practices to what’s the best way to cook spicy teriyaki. Bright laughs and satisfied grins as they trained their powers out in the castle grounds or raced through the castle to explore its secrets. Even the awkward moments that keep popping up, from sleeping in the same bed to accidentally getting flashes of nudity in the bathroom… and spending an entire week together as kids. They even got a bath (or five) together already! Anyone with those kinds of events in their lives were bound to be called “best friends” or something like that, right? They didn’t need to get any closer, right?

… apparently they did. Maybe it simply isn’t enough to spend those kinds of times and experiences together. Training, living, growing, learning, enjoying, challenging… Those things are always going to be there and Sousuke’s not against any of them. So then, if they’re that close already, why’s this day having so much fun already playing awkward string through their evening tapestry? Let’s go out. That’s all he’d said when he came downstairs. He didn’t say anything remotely related to the term ‘date’ you know! But… his god’s a romantic sap beyond compare and it didn’t take long for someone’s face to get red.

So of course Sousuke’s surprise (maybe suspicion) lingers on as he steps out of the portal that carries his god and him to the Near Shore. The human realm that contains so many sights, scents, and sounds that bring a round of comfort and gentle thrill to his chest. Rin agreed to the offer. After all that, he’d agreed. It’d been a long time, if not actually the first time, they’ve ever gotten dressed up in front of each other. He’s grateful for the cooler evening air. It makes his current clothes far more comfortable. Turns out, even if Sousuke tends to prefer his shirts open and untucked, his collarbones exposed, casual pants a little unconsciously-lowcut… he’s not at all bad cutting an impressive figure in formal wear.]

Where do you want to go?

[The obvious intent is to have dinner eventually… but it’s been a long time since they’ve gone out to simply hang with each other in such a setting. They should really make a whole night of it. Who knows what else they’ll learn about each other… Who knows how much closer they’ll get.]

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[He had a lot of time to adjust to his arrival at this place. To the god they assigned him. To the young man who wanted to be his friend. A lot of time, a lot of experiences, a lot of things to think about. He could see Rin as his god, his boss, his duty. Or he could see him as a friend, someone he could get to know and live with. Stupid to think he’d bother with that choice. Even if Rin hadn’t been the charismatic, excitable, annoyingly-interesting guy he was, Sousuke didn’t want to think of his new life as some job. Luckily, Rin made it very easy not to.

Sousuke accepted him. It took time, there were annoying moments, some parts of his god he still didn’t get, they fought a lot even now (always would), but something about him “fit” with the larger boy in so many ways. Rin was comfortable, he stoked his fires and encouraged his growth, he promised him and never went back on those words, Rin protected him but never smothered him… So many things that were simply… perfect between them. His initial distrust slowly gave way to a quiet acknowledgement. Until it turned into this. This deep respect and trust, a friendship Sousuke knows is far much more in the making.

The arms around him prove it. Even as that deep breath tells him the time for clinging and embracing is over, that it’s time for the awkward realization they’d just been hugging to come wandering in, Sousuke can’t help but feel a pang of regret and protest as Rin’s arms loosen around him. Don’t--

…

He sighs. --apologize. Too late. Of course he would. The little laugh doesn’t reach the words or Rin’s eyes and Sousuke looks up at him as hands stop on his shoulders. There’s a sensation there that’s… strange. For whatever reason, his shoulders have always been sensitive. Especially his right one. When Rin touches them, there’s either a slight shiver or a quiet tension depending on how the touch comes. It’s instinctive either way. But this time, with them so close, with his hands resting on his shoulders making him feel like he’s being supported and held at the same time… They’re really close. Enough to feel Rin’s breath on his jaw as his red eyes search his face. Tears still glistening, slightly wide, he’s looking at him… and Sousuke silently wonders in his mind what it is the other boy’s looking for.

Fabric slips a little as he lowers his hand, resting it on Rin’s hip instead of leaving it slung over his shoulders. Similar to the way he’d held his belt loop earlier. Before Rin pulled that little stumbling retreat out of awkwardness. He assumes. Sousuke’s eyes linger on the his god’s, waiting, watching.]

Are you sure this isn’t a date, Rin?

[He doesn’t know what he’s searching for or if he’s even searching at all. It’s just something that’s happening behind his control and he’s starting to wonder if he drank more than he thought he did back at the restaurant. It couldn’t have been that much, could it? He still feels stable enough, if a little warm in the cheeks and neck. Is that from the alcohol though or the simple act of being close? Whatever the reason, Rin worries he’ll start sweating if he doesn’t think fast... and yet in his moment of panic he finds himself frozen like a deer in the headlights. Why is he looking at him, what is he hoping to find?

Are you sure this isn’t a date?

Rin only notices Sousuke’s staring back at him when he picks up on the question and out of impulse he looks off to the side. His hands don’t move though, even when Sousuke’s do, one comfortably finding purchase on his hip where it... really shouldn’t go.

But he doesn’t stop him. Or scold him. Instead, beet red, Rin swallows thickly and shakes his head a few times towards the little inches of space between their chests.]

It’s not. [he protests, voice shaking, cracking, fragile. But if it’s not, then why can’t he let go? He felt that shiver and tension beneath his fingertips, so that’s more than enough reason to keep his hands to himself. What if Sousuke’s uncomfortable?] I– [Lips twitch, failing to form the right words, before Rin forces himself to drop his hands back into his lap.

Suddenly, he’s cold.]

... I’m sorry.

[Just like Rin, Sousuke has no idea what he’s looking at the red-haired teenager for, what he might be hoping to find. Maybe he’s not looking for any reason other than to simply look. It could be the alcohol, but he doubts it. This is one of those strange moments in life when neither words nor reason have any real precedence. It’s thought and silent emotion, an attempted communication or a voiceless question floating between two young people. His face feels slightly hot, his heart’s strangely going a little faster as he stands in Rin’s gaze. Even his chest feels tight, as if something might shatter if he moves or says in the wrong direction.

Are you sure this isn’t a date?

Rin’s not the only recipient of that question. Sousuke’s soft voice, his deeper tone, is asking himself the very same question.

A second later, time begins again as Rin averts his gaze. Sousuke feels a lance of disappointment as he loses Rin’s attention, something that frustrates him as much as confuses him. The hands on his shoulders don’t move and he has his own hand resting on Rin’s hips. They’re close to each other, touching places that are surely intimate. Even if they sleep in the same bed, if Rin supported his body in the pool, so many other instances where they’re physically close to each other, this moment right now feels like the closest they’ve ever been.

It’s as if he knows the reaction’s coming before it does. A red face, a thick swallow, head shaking a few times, and a shaking, cracked protest. It’s not convincing. For either of them. Sousuke watches him, the conflicting emotions all over his face, all the things he’s said and done flashing through his mind like a school of silver fish through the undersea currents. The twitch of his lips, the failure to say what he wants to… and soon the forced release of his shoulders so Rin’s hands can fall back into his lap. Defeated, frustrated, lost.

Cold.

And that apology. Sousuke’s eyes soften and his hold on Rin’s hips loosens before he lets him go. Maybe this is a stupid decision, maybe it’s feeding off the whirlwind of feelings he felt so long ago when he faced Rin down for the first time in front of his castle. A longing to prevent this boy’s pain and sorrow. It’s different now. He didn’t know Rin back then, didn’t know himself. But now… Now he knows. More about him. More about them. More than duty, more than god and shinki, more than trust.

Don’t you realize it by now?

Fingers touch, the warmth of Rin’s chin ghosting through Sousuke’s skin, and he slowly pulls, drawing the other boy’s head back up and towards him. Thumb brushing his tear-stained cheek, smoothing the wet lines in a soothing stroke. Not to look at him again, not to say anything. But to bring Rin’s face back to Sousuke’s. He leans forward, eyes closed, head tilting, the rush of the river and flow of the breeze stirring the world around them…

And kisses him.

~~[あなたがすきです]~~ Anata ga sukidesu.

So please stop apologizing.]

[Intimate. He's been avoiding thinking about this in that context because... it's not a word to describe them. Intimate means romantic and romance (with the exception of Rin's powers) has no place in their relationship as friends and partners. Just because they hugged or put their hands somewhere new doesn't mean anything complicated. At least that's what he wants to believe and stubbornly tells himself when he finally drops his hands into his lap where they belong. There's no reason for it. No romance, no confusion or disappointment. It's not like either of them are expecting something more.

For a moment he's struck with the urge to undo his ponytail and redo it again just to keep himself occupied. It's got to look like a mess by now anyway with all his earlier stumbling and crying. Confident his apology will be enough to put that comfortable space between them once again, Rin starts to turn back towards the river, but he's only managed the slightest shift of feet against the pavement when suddenly he doesn't feel quite so cold.

Wait... he's touching him again. He thought he stopped a second ago? So why's he doing it again... and on his face, out of all places? He's not crying anymore, so there's no reason for that. M-maybe there's still a few tear tracks but he's always been understanding enough to let them dry on their own.

It seems stupid, but Rin's reminded of one time his sister dragged him to the city to watch some popular romance movie. That particular scene didn't take place on a park bench though. Was it in the rain? No... Maybe it was at school? His mind struggles to put the pieces together all while trying to make heads or tails of what Sousuke's doing to him right now. Does he realize it? Realize what? That he's touching his face? That he's pulling him closer with that soft look in his eyes and his head tilted exactly like in that stupid movie...?

As it turns out, Rin, the romantic swimming maniac, doesn't even register he's about to kiss his best friend until it's already too late.

What should I... do? Have you done this before? Even if you have, how could you remember how to do it? ... D-dammit, what kind of god of love doesn't know how to kiss?

He's still staring at Sousuke's face when it happens, petrified out of fear he'll mess something up if he breathes, but after what feels like a full minute in he finally pulls away with a dip of his head and a shaky exhale. What... just happened? He's pretty sure he didn't use any of his powers just then. But it's the only explanation he has for why Sousuke would do something so intimate out of the blue. He's Eros. People are supposed to find him attractive, he's supposed to catch anyone's attention without trying--

--Rin slowly lifts his eyes again in time for a single pink petal to fall between his and Sousuke's chests.

Shit.]

O-oy... [He grips his shinki's sleeve with a shaking hand. Somehow, he's managing not to snap. For now.] What-- What was that for?

[Why he does it is a mixture of obvious and unknown. He knows what he’s doing, there’s no fight in his mind to try and stop his body from moving without his permission. He knows each motion, from the touch to his chin to the contraction of his muscles to pull Rin’s face towards his own to the shift of gravity as he leans forward and touches the other boy. Touches him in a way that’s completely different from any way they’ve touched each other before in their strange relationship. It’s not a fist bump, it’s not a knee to the back of his leg, it’s not a lazy nudge of shoulder to shoulder. It’s something else entirely. Something that crosses a boundary that’s been there since their bond first awoke amid the flurry of sakura before Rin’s castle’s gates.

And yet, there’s a part that’s unknown. Why he’s suddenly done such a thing that falls straight into the realm of intimacy. Friendship, trust, loyalty, those things have all been slowly earned by Rin’s treatment of Sousuke. He’s protected him, he’s encouraged him not to buckle or give up, he’s called for him to walk beside him and have fun, he’s done as much as he can to ensure Sousuke’s new life is as good and fulfilling as it can be. How can it be that this facet is something that should come as such a surprise to either of them? They’ve stumbled upon each other naked, they’ve slept in the same bed, they’ve shared very painful and tender memories and seen each other in moments of extreme weakness, helped support each other through them…

After all that, how can Sousuke not feel that urge to protect Rin as well? To defend him from danger and try to help him enjoy his own life. Is that why he’s crossed this line? A kiss to encourage Rin not to feel so sad. A touch telling him not to cry because they still have more to hope for together. Did he think he’d somehow magically assuage Rin’s internal pain? That this would make everything go back to normal? He doesn’t know exactly; all of those reasons and thoughts flash through his mind as potentials, maybes, possibles. Is this a mistake? Has he breeched a barrier that’s not to be crossed? More thoughts appear every passing moment of that long second their mouths are connected, whipping his normally calm composure into something internally turbulent.

Everything freezes the instance Rin pulls away. His chin slips from his fingers as he ducks his head, the exhale shivers far lower than Sousuke’s chin, and his lips burn slightly like the color rising on his face. Sousuke opens his eyes halfway, no longer looking at Rin, but at the scenery over the top of his bowed head. Fingers grapple at his sleeves, the hand attached to them shivering so much he feels it through the fabric covering his skin. There’d been no kiss back, only that stunned feeling of someone who doesn’t realize what’s going on, doesn’t know why it’s happening. An empty feeling that grips his chest as tightly as the hand on his sleeve. That kind of reaction…

The answer’s obvious. Of course Rin didn’t understand, didn’t see what Sousuke thought he might. It’s not like the taller boy’s made it obvious. He’s not like Rin, hides his emotions behind that quiet, calm visage. Why should Rin know the kinds of things swimming around in Sousuke’s mind and heart? He hasn’t made them known… Not before anyhow.

Rin’s question hangs in the pregnant air. No angry outburst, no shove away from him, nothing explosive or dismissive. But there’s incredulousness there, shock that’s sitting on the knife’s edge ready to pitch forward or backwards at the next instance. It’s not a fair question to him, but it’s a fair question for Rin to ask. And now Sousuke’s facing the reality of answering it. To keep his silence or stand up and avoid it… He knows instantly that choice is the worst choice he can make. Better to fumble through some stupid, mumbled answer, maybe say it’s the beer, say it’s the atmosphere, say it’s his god’s romantic swimming maniac tendencies. Easier to lie. Why? That question’s as heavy as asking the “why” behind Sousuke’s agreement to become Rin’s shinki, when he knew nothing about him or himself. And an answer…]

Because, [It would be easier.] I don’t want you to cry over me.

[If kissing him is Sousuke's way of wanting to show his protective side to Rin, then that's more than a little non traditional, wouldn't he say? It just doesn't add up in his mind. The Sousuke from his past, the one who remembers... and the Sousuke sitting here with him now without a single memory to call his own-- This is the only time he's drawn a clear distinction between them, or at least it's what his mind wants to believe is true. He kissed him because he felt sorry for him. He kissed him because he happened to look a certain way in the city lights. This or that, whatever the reason... Rin's determined to convince himself there's no true feelings behind that kiss.

That stubbornness keeps Rin from melting into the moment. It keeps him from shutting his eyes, from putting two and two together and kissing back like a lot of people would. Is it rude? Is it wrong? Even Rin doesn't entirely understand his own reaction.

More than anything though, he feels annoyed, not with Sousuke but with himself for being so... inexperienced. It's never been a good feeling. Being so brand new he makes all the mistakes. Up until this reality, his life consisted of nothing but his future. Swimming, studying, being the best of the best while leaving zero room for failure. In what way could anything else fit into that schedule? How could he have made himself more prepared for something like this?

But that's all overthinking again (typical when he's been backed into a corner) and finally with a deep breath Rin tries to calm himself by closing his eyes completely. He won't let go of Sousuke's sleeve. Not yet. Can't bring himself to hold anything else. He only wants what's familiar, comfortable, real. For a while the world's generous enough to give him that, but then he remembers his question still hangs in the air and there's no stopping the way his heart sinks back into his stomach. Why did he have to ask? Avoiding it had to be the best and only choice.

He's hyper aware of every breath, beat and emotion in his shinki's voice once his answer finally comes, so once he has it he obsessively latches on to try and make some sense of it. Didn't want him to cry, didn't want him to cry over him more specifically... Why is that always the answer? Do you pity me? Do you not trust me? Why should it even bother you at all? It's an all too familiar scene for Rin from the words to the way he ends up clutching at Sousuke's shirt with his free hand anyway. He wants to shake him. Punch him, kick him, tell him he's stupid...

He can only manage the latter.]

You idiot... [he hisses, his voice shaking with each breath, tears trailing over the bridge of his nose and chin where he can still feel those damn fingers touching. "I'm not crying," is what he'd normally say at a time like this... but--] Can't you see I've already done it?

[Rin's voice raises a touch when he decides to be bold and lift his head so they'll be forced to stare eye to eye once again. As expected, his face is a mess, loosened maroon bangs sticking to rosy cheeks, teeth bared in some poor attempt to seem tough through his tears. Didn't want him to cry... Didn't want him to cry? Again? What the hell does that even mean!?]

Look at me! [Louder, shakier, with fingers suddenly moving to Sousuke's collar so he can pull and tug there too.] How many times have you seen me like this by now? Just like this! [If I feel what you feel, see what you see, know what you know... How can you expect me to not cry over you? Or maybe the right question is...] Am I not supposed to care about you!? [Dammit, he saw him die. His first rival, his own best friend-- Without thinking, Rin slips a hand up so it can cup the back of Sousuke's neck, nails digging in enough to add pressure but not bite.

Subconsciously he still wants him close. Close enough to be familiar, comfortable-- He doesn't know when their foreheads touch, only that they do and he doesn't want it to stop. Something about it is so dizzying... If he leans forward a touch more, he could make it happen again--]

Don't tell me what I shouldn't do for you because you know I'll do it anyway. ... And if you're going to do something like that, don't do it for me.

[What am I saying? Swallow. Breathe. ... If I lean closer, it'll happen again.]

... Do it because you want to.

[The longer the moment stretches, the further his mind leans towards the realm of regret. What is it that he’s done, exactly? He knows now that what he just did is a mistake. Caught up in the moment, feeling some urge to stop the tears and sadness, a single action that closes the distance between them and simultaneously connects and breaks something they have together. It’s a mistake… He should’ve done something else. Put his arm around him, kept his own face to the river, maybe even gotten up and walked off to leave Rin with his emotions rather than try to force him to change them. But to do something like that, even after their time together… that had to have crossed some kind of line he’s only until now not been aware of.

It’s always been there too. The distance between them. Comfortable and quiet. Sleeping in the same bed, yet not draping arms over each other like some kind of couple, for example. Sitting beside each other on the couch or park bench, but never so close or so entwined people passing them might call them out for being “together” in that way. There’s a bitter moment in his head, enough that he tastes it on his tongue, where Sousuke wonders if the “Sousuke” from Rin’s past would ever have done something like this? Would he have made this kind of mistake if he knew who he was? Had been? Is he different than before he died? Dangerous thoughts that threaten his stomach and core before he manages to shove them away and focus on the here and now.

He’s upset Rin; that much is obvious. When he wanted to do the opposite. It’d been selfish if Sousuke, to pull Rin into such an action when anything else could’ve conveyed it better with far less confusion. Even if he did it to try and comfort his god… it really is rude to tell someone to stop crying. No matter how it’s conveyed, through word or action. Sousuke does his best not to let his mixture of disappointment, confusion, frustration, annoyance, all those kinds of things, bubble up onto the surface. And it’s not Rin those emotions are directed towards; they’re far more inward, self-reflective. Stupid, Sousuke. You really don’t understand him at all.

Not wanting to make things any worse, Sousuke quietly takes his hand away from Rin’s face, but he’s unable to remove it entirely since the other boy’s holding his sleeve with a death grip. He leaves his other behind Rin, resting on the back of the bench rather than on his shoulders for now. Just because he’s made a mistake and made things awkward between them doesn’t mean he has to abandon Rin entirely. It’s… well… ugh. He’s got himself into a right mess now, hasn’t he? The answer he’s finally able to give to Rin doesn’t help things at all. He feels it in his chest without Rin having to say anything. Misunderstood, misconstrued, possibly even insulting. Should’ve kept his mouth shut, should’ve kept his hands to himself, should’ve kept that comfortable distance… Lots of should’s…

Inside, however, he knows the simple truth. I don’t want you to be sad. Yet it’s both so very hard to convey without coming across as arrogant, pitying, fake, and so very stupid to think such a thing is even possible. Sousuke doesn’t flinch or respond when Rin calls him an idiot; he deserves it and accepts it. The shaking voice fills his ears, the tears dripping down Rin’s face are still wet on his fingers even after he’s drawn them away, and the rhetorical question feels anywhere between a teasing nudge to the back of his knee to a furious punch to his stomach.

Aa. I can see it. He sees every time Rin cries around him. And no, he doesn’t like it. It’s part of life, but why does Rin have to be sad? He’s his shinki, he’s his friend, why can’t he protect Rin from the troubles and burdens he has to face?! It makes Sousuke feel like he’s not doing something right, like he’s failing over and over again. Every time he sees the tears rolling down his face, it hurts him inside. Foolish, stupid, but undeniable. Maybe that’s how he knows he really cares about Rin. It’s not out of pity, it’s not out of annoyance, but… When you’re sad… I’m sad too.

As Rin raises his voice, even slightly, Sousuke’s eyes slip to the side. Honestly, if he were a dog right now, his ears would be down… But it’s only a moment before his god’s gaze draws his eyes back to him, forcing the shinki to look into glimmering red as it quivers and shines even through a messy face. Bangs sticking to his forehead and cheeks, lips parted as trembling breaths tumble over sharp teeth. Sousuke feels a pang of guilt. I caused this… How many times has he made Rin cry? Directly or indirectly, it doesn’t matter! How many times…? And yet, he has the gall to tell Rin I don’t want to cry over me.

Sousuke jumps. Rin just yelled at him. It surprises him, hurts at the same time, and his throat tenses up, long cords in his neck flexing against his skin as fingers curl into his collar and tug at him. Part of him wants to tug free, back up, even run, natural instinct. But the rest of him “stands” here and accepts what he’s pretty much asked for. Like hell is it comfortable.

And through each question, he hears the unspoken truths yelling into his heart. Many times, he’s seen Rin just like this many times. For the same reasons. Rin knows pretty much everything about him because of that one way link (something Sousuke still vividly hates). But when his god slaps that question across his face, Sousuke averts his gaze, unable to look at him. Am I not supposed to care about you? … Don’t cry over me, Sousuke told him. Doesn’t that sound outright selfish now? That Sousuke can be concerned enough about Rin to want him not to be sad, but in the same exact moment, with the same concern, he pushes Rin’s concern for him over the edge. Saying it doesn’t matter, that it’s wrong… Yeah, it is pretty selfish. Hypocritical too. And impossible.

His neck’s a bundle of tightly-drawn cords when Rin cups the back of it with his hand and Sousuke’s spine launches a fleet of shivers and alerts up and down his body at the touch. Feels like his skin’s constricting over his figure, he’s not sure if his face is getting red or not, and his breathing’s going tense and silent. Does Rin think this is easy for him?! I hate it, Rin! I hate being compared day after day to the guy you knew! It’s frustrating, it’s enraging, and it’s painful! He doesn’t want to whine or complain, but dammit, Rin, he’s only human!

Yes, he knows Rin’ll do it anyway! He knows he’s asking the guy to go against his very nature to not cry, to not care. And he only somewhat understands why he’s asking that. It’s not that he doesn’t want Rin to care about it, it’s just… It’s just… Sousuke closes his eyes as their foreheads touch. He doesn’t want Rin to see the turbulent emotions boiling in his gaze; he doesn’t want to see that tear-stained face right now. It can very well be said Rin and Sousuke have a nice, peaceful life on the outside, friendships and loyalty to the point it’s envious to those around them.

But underneath the surface, with just a simple throw of any stone, there’s a maelstrom with them at the center. A fierce and powerful storm that’s built around their own identities and who they are to each other. And ironically, whenever they have a deep, meaningful conversation, it doesn’t take much to break through the surface and get to those raging waters.]

Because I want to? [His voice is quiet, but it’s harder, like thick glass over the squall inside.] Do you think I can’t tell the difference between what I do for you and what I do for myself?!

[Sousuke pulls his head back, breaking the contact of their foreheads. His eyes are open, wide with barely-restrained anger and frustration. Yes, he’s angry at himself for kissing Rin, yes, he’s frustrated because he doesn’t like seeing Rin cry over him, yes, he knows it’s stupid to ask Rin to go against his nature. But-]

It’s because I know the difference that I can’t stand that you’re constantly in pain because of me!! [His voice rises, yelling at his god.] I know you knew me before I died, Rin. And every time you look at me, it kills you! [Sousuke snaps his hand around Rin’s wrist, forcing him to relax his grip on his shirt collar.] Because I can’t remember you, because I’m not that same guy you knew, you keep beating yourself up and crying over me because of me!

[His voice, the very edges of it, threaten to shake.] … I hate it, Rin. I don’t want you to suffer because of me.

[That’s why I don’t want you to cry over me. I wish I could be who you remember me as, I wish I could be who you want me to be, I wish I could be who I was… But I’m not, Rin. And you shouldn’t be sad over that. It’s not your fault. I know you’re still going to be sad; I know you’ll still cry… But if I’m being selfish, then fine. Let me be selfish over you.]

[It's impossible to ignore the feeling. All too familiar, it's dense and heavy in his chest and Rin has to slow his breathing to force it to settle. Regret. Guilt. He hates how frequently they visit his best friend, almost as much as he hates being able to share them with him when he least expects it. And yet the longer he sits here waiting for peace, some twisted part of his mind tells him he should be happy. He should enjoy having the chance to finally see and feel the sides of Sousuke he's never known before, the parts always so indistinguishable beneath dark waters. Of course he was always happy with what they had in their partnership. But all the same, maybe, even a little, he wished there could have been more. Maybe not those extreme parts. Being entwined or so close they can always feel each others' heartbeat... Just something simple.

... Something sort of like this.

It's not here to stay though and once the warmth at his back and on his cheek fade, panic settles in quickly. Is it because he wants them to stay? Is it really fine for Sousuke to touch him like that even if it's so brand new? He should have encouraged it. Should have moved closer, smiled, laughed, this or that-- Yeah. Lots of should's. Too many to count and each one feeling like a sharp stab to the gut. Add all that on top of Sousuke's turbulent emotions and Rin's already a jumbled up mess, torn between crying and continuing to raise his voice until he loses it completely. No need to look into his eyes to know what's already there. Sousuke can avoid Rin's gaze all he wants...

Rin's already seen right through him.

Suddenly, there's a lurch between their bodies and Rin nearly falls forward into his shinki's chest. At first he thinks Sousuke's going to stand and walk away. It'd be easy, he wouldn't need to try... but no. He's still here. And now he's yelling at him, startling him, forcing the tight ball in his heart to nearly implode with unbridled rage. A single tear trickles down his cheek as he stares wide-eyed at the other swimmer but otherwise there's no sign of pain on his face... only shock. Because this is familiar. They've been here before, or at least somewhere close enough to it, and despite the circumstances he thinks he should be better prepared with how to respond. Of course it doesn't work that way and in the end all he can do is listen and let Sousuke grip his wrist without a single shred of effort.

Stop it. Don't say things like that. I didn't know know you, you didn't know me, you can't believe any of that because if you do you'll end up destroying yourself and--

Enough.

He can't hear anymore. Can't allow this to escalate any further. So Rin stops it the only way his body wants to.

With Sousuke's hand still around his wrist, he does abandon the grip on his collar, and instead he reaches for his face, both hands on autopilot as they find some part of his best friend to hold onto, touch, feel, tug... Until he's forced their lips together a second time. He wants to say he does it because it'll shut both of them up. Keep them from saying anything stupid or bringing any attention to this side of the park. But... he doesn't want Sousuke to be sad either. He doesn't want him to feel regret or guilt, any bit of negativity all because of Rin...

I don't want you to suffer either.]

[Of course Rin’s going to feel it; he feels everything Sousuke does and it drives the taller boy nuts. They have that distance between them, right? Physically, at least, but with the bond they share as god and shinki, it’s not the same. Whether Sousuke’s irritated, happy, afraid, guilty, or whatever, Rin’s going to feel it. So far, his god’s not done anything to capitalize or even attempt to acknowledge it. And honestly, the shinki’s extremely grateful for that. Rin respects his privacy enough to keep the connection a private thing and sometimes, it’s enough that Sousuke forgets the issue’s even there. But it always finds a way to eventually rear its head in his mind. Like now. When he can feel the heavy weight in Sousuke’s chest and the dangerous threat that’s dragging at his stomach as the shinki nears some very threatening admissions and revelations.

He knows he shouldn’t, he knows those kinds of things aren’t permitted, for his own safety. And he does his best to ignore them and move away as fast as possible once he realizes it. But this time’s different. There’s something else there that he has to grasp onto and yell at, to vent his frustrations on so he won’t spill them unfairly at Rin. Maybe it is selfish. Being the one to get upset after Rin “called him out” on blatantly kissing him out of nowhere. But that stupid question… “why.” He couldn’t just sit there and keep silent! Rin would’ve been even more irritated and panicked. The alternative, however, isn’t turning out well for them either.

How is it they can go from a moment of complete peace and enjoyment to suddenly finding everything between them breaking down in a shattering spectacle? Rin’s crying, he’s yelling, and both probably don’t even know what they’re really upset about at all asides from using the kiss as the current scapegoat. Besides, there’s no use trying to keep silent and hide it. Rin’s already seen through him. And Sousuke knows it’s got nothing to do with his godly connection to his shinki letting him feel his feelings. No, Rin knows him too well to let Sousuke continue to bottle this up inside him. Either on purpose or not, the other swimmer’s given a push that’s ripped open part of Sousuke’s silence and let out this… mess.

Admittedly, it feels good to finally get some of that crap off his chest, even if there’s nothing his god can do about it. He know it’s surprising, sees it in the way Rin’s eyes widen and his face’s taken aback at his normally-quiet friend suddenly breaking down into a loud voice and tense irritation. The single tear doesn’t help matters either and all Sousuke can think about now after his outburst is how he just hurt Rin again. Is there nothing he can do, apart from leaving, that would prevent him from continually hurting his friend? The thought digs in his chest and it’s frustratingly agonizing. He knows he’s the cause of a good part of Rin’s troubles… It’s as clear as his hand wrapped around Rin’s wrist. But what can he do? What can either of them do? They’re stuck here, partnered with each other, developed this bond, this friendship. Even among all of the trials, they’ve been together… It’s ironic that they’re so compatible when they fight with and clash against each other so much.

It's even more ironic when hands abruptly clasp on either side of his face and suddenly he’s being pulled. Neck bending, head tilting, pulled down until lips press against his own. It shuts Sousuke up as effectively as a punch to the gut. Probably shuts them both up. And he has no idea what to think about it. Incensed that Rin would kiss him after his reaction to being kissed first. Relieved that neither of them are saying anything for a moment. Curious about why he’s choosing this action when he could easily have put his hand over his mouth. Incredulous that Rin thinks this could somehow put an end to the turbulence churning between them. A host of others his mind’s in a whirl trying to process and decide if he’s going to raise hell or give up. There’s no way something like this is going to be able to prevent him from feeling sad or frustrated or guilty or any of those negative things. And yet…

In the end, it’s the latter. Surrender and admit defeat. The larger boy’s shoulders sink and the tension in his chest bleed out into a slump as everything seems to just fall away for now. His eyelids shut and his breath eases to his normal, silent rhythm. It’s probably not much of a kiss… most just a mouth-to-mouth shut-the-hell-up. But, he guesses that’s okay for now. Both of them probably need it. … For now, all he can think to do is stand here, rest his hands on Rin’s hips (so he at least knows Sousuke’s not going to push him away and run off), and wonder if his lips are going to fall scorched from his face because someone’s mouth is warm and tastes like fire, salt, and seasoning.]

[Rin knows Sousuke well enough to know he won’t pull away when he kisses him, even if they’ve never done this before. He’s always been the first to tug him forward anyway, the first to challenge him to go on, do it, what harm could it do...? Well. He knows what could go wrong here, if their previous outbursts aren’t telling enough, but that still isn’t enough to keep Rin, or Sousuke, away. What will it take, he wonders? Will there ever be a point where their relationship reaches a breaking point and there’s no chance of moving on? What would it take... Clearly not a kiss. A kiss, a stupid kiss. Can they even call it that anymore if it feels so stiff? The romantic side of Rin insists he try harder... though it also tells him this is ridiculous and the farthest thing from romantic in the first place. A romantic evening, a romantic dinner and a view... All purely coincidental, he promises.

And yet this happened anyway.

It’d be taking the easy way out, to submit to it and simply let it happen in place of all the yelling or crying. But is it right? Is it even wrong? Rin can’t say for sure... only that it’s unmistakably warm and, no, they haven’t pulled away ten seconds in.

Would it be easy to say they need it? Need it for what? Another distraction from what’s true, from what daily plague eats away at them beneath their attempts at living a normal life. In that sense, this all seems impersonal. Poetic, but impersonal. Selfish. Ruthless. Desperate. Rin can’t tell if he should laugh because they’re weak or laugh because they’ve got a hell of a lot of guts to be pulling off stupid chick flick stunts like this. For sure, he never imagined his first kiss would be this complicated. Complicated... yes. Very.

But when Sousuke’s breath settles, so does Rin’s. When he rests his hands on his hips, he muscles relax. The fog in his mind transitions into a light mist until all that’s left in the clear is a beat. Right... that sound. That feeling. It’s what keeps his arms pumping one after the other in the water, his legs pulling him across docks and alleyways so he might somehow brush the other boy’s sleeve. Like clockwork, Rin’s heart syncs with Sousuke’s, and the one place it wants to be is right between his lips. It’s right where they touch, where it’s softest, hottest and tastes like salt. Of course...

No matter where they go, they’re always connected one way or the other.

Every bone in his body feels like jelly when he finally eases his hands onto Sousuke’s shoulders instead and this time when his lungs think to protest he pushes down the urge, wanting instead to stay here, floating, existing, for as long as his heart allows. It really is dizzying... Might explain the light dusting of pink on his cheeks to match the flutters of pink in the air. Petals again, delicate, glowing and snowlike in the evening chill. Ordinarily he’d panic or brush them off as an accident. Right now... what point would there be? If they’re already reflected in his eyes when he eventually opens them or finding rest in his hair, what point would there be in denying?

Rin feels... free. Just like this.

There’s a quiet ‘pop’ between them when he does choose to stop, though exactly as before he doesn’t venture far. In fact, they’re still forehead to forehead. So close...]

... I’m not suffering. [he whispers it, eyes trained downwards but head still in place.] As long as I have you with me at all– [A pained look now, glimmering in his eyes] –I’m free.

[He may tease him about making this a romantic evening, despite some of the awkwardness before and this whole mess now. But really, it has been like that! From the dressing up to the private meal area to the couch to the conversation to this walk in the park and serious conversation… How it’s led up to this, though, Sousuke’s trying not to think about it. The frustration and pain’s not something he wants to go back to right now. Sweeping it under the rug’s not an option either, but it’s tempting… They’ll have to deal with it later, ask the what’s and why’s he’s not looking forward to answering even to himself. He’s still here, still close to Rin, still leaning into the kiss even if he’s pretty sure this “kiss” isn’t at all romantic. It’s mostly just… shutting them both up for a bit.

It is his first kiss. He’s only now just realizing that. Probably another thing that’s going to count against him when they have The Talk about this night. Stealing Rin’s first kiss for something this complicated and tumulus, how’s that for being a nice date? Of course, Rin’s taking the second one and it’s no less confusing or frustrating either… Tch, they’re going to need to redo this night sometime down the road. But at least these thoughts are the ones pushing into Sousuke’s mind right now, instead of those damning curiosities and grievances that Rin’s so wary about.

Heart rate going down, breathing settling, pupils returning to normal, and his muscles relaxing, Sousuke wonders if he’s going to end up sinking to the ground for a moment. He doesn’t. Thankfully. A wry, amused, and surprisingly gentle realization slips through his mind as he feels and hears Rin’s heart beating in time with his own. There’s something comforting about it, just how close they are in so many ways despite their differences and clashing opinions at times. Even if it frustrates them both on occasion, Sousuke’s grateful that his god is Rin and he’s his shinki. They’re partners, together… for better and for worse.

He feels a gentle brush past his face and it only takes a minute to realize the small breeze of sakura petals is drifting past them again. Hn, of course it is. Hands settle on his shoulders and there’s a slight tension—it’s instinctive, he swears—before he relaxes again, his hand remaining on Rin’s hips to keep him close. Sousuke doesn’t want them to be apart right now. Even if his mind is telling him that’s the best place for both of them to be, his heart tells him he’d regret it later. It’s the harder choice, but he forces himself to make it. For both their sakes.

The kiss breaks and he’s left with his forehead against Rin’s, their breaths silently mingling between their mouths. Neither of them go far, both still holding onto each other. And those quiet words whispering over the surface of his lips. Sousuke keeps his eyes closed, unable to look right now. A promise that he’s not suffering. Telling him that he feels free if Sousuke’s around him. Such pretty words… but… I wish I could believe you. He gently tightens his hand on Rin’s hip, squeezing for some support and offering of comfort. Before finally nodding slightly, hair brushing into Rin’s bangs.]

All right. [For now… just leave it at that.]

[They kissed before this, remember? Though when he really thinks about it, maybe that’s not accurate. Back when they were kids at the castle, whatever it was that happened between them seemed more like an accident than anything else. Though with all that being said, was this really their first kiss? First kisses are supposed to feel... different. Not so confusing or painful or complicated like this. Right? Tsk, then again, how’s Rin supposed to know that for sure? He’s never kissed anyone before this. No matter. What’s done is done and there’s nothing they can do to forget or change these last few minutes. But... it’s not like Rin wants to anyway.

... does Sousuke?

He wonders it as they stay seated together in silence, nothing changing, nothing moving or shifting one way or the other. Time falls still and he shivers at the eerie sensation it leaves in his chest. Maybe not all first kisses go as planned, maybe none of them end up like this... all except for theirs. He’d laugh if he had the stomach for it. How fitting for them to always go against the grain.

Rin keeps his head tipped downward when he finally responds.]

You don’t believe me. [Does he blame him? No. Even if it’s frustrating and he wants to shake him to get it through his head... This time he does manage a laugh. Soft, light... bittersweet.] I don’t think I’d believe me either. [With that, he starts slipping his hands down and away from Sousuke’s shoulders, smoothing out the creases left behind on the front of his shirt.]

... I’m sorry I ruined the night. [Quieter,] ... And the kiss.

Edited 2017-12-06 07:31 (UTC)

[That was an accident. Pure and simple. If they can even call that a kiss… Then again, he doubts this has been a stellar kiss either. It’s so awkward and heavy, the previous one they shared as kids probably counted more as a kiss than this… mess. He doesn’t want to consider this their first kiss any more than he wants to consider the accidental mouth-bump in the bed their first kiss. This was more a “shut the hell up” kind of thing, crude as it sounds. But thinking about it like that feels like the only way he can justify their actions without accepting they just ruined something that is supposed to be… anything but this.

There’s no turning the clock back on this. As much as he wants to change it, he can’t. It’s there in his head, on his lips… forever.

Sitting here on the bench, surrounded by the sound of the river, the evening darkness, the light of the lamp behind them, it’s silent between them. There’s no twitching or awkward shifting like anyone would expect. Only this eternal moment of holding each other and thinking about what just occurred. The partners that fight all the time and clash so often, yet somehow always find out that it just… works, between them. How frustrating…

Sousuke lets out a noiseless breath. Of course Rin’d see through his lie. He doesn’t bother responding. Rin already knows his answer. How can he believe him? After the breakdown they just had, it’s almost incredulous that his god thought such a comment would even sound believable. To either of them. Rin’s laugh sounds and feels strange, shivering down his spine and making his mouth taste of bittersweet flavors.]

Aa… [Hands slip from his shoulders, though they take a few moments to brush out the bunches in his shirt. It’s… a tender action, almost apologetic, and Sousuke feels his chest do a mixture of warming and tightening. Even like this, Rin cares about him. He finally finds the will to release his god’s hip and turns to look at the river again. Hmph… there he goes, apologizing again.]

You didn’t. [Rin’s not the one that initiated the kiss. Rin’s not the one that started yelling. The ruination of the night lays entirely on Sousuke’s shoulders. But he keeps that inside, knowing they’d just get into another argument over the blame. Ironically. He leans forward and rests his elbows atop his knees, fingers laced and his mouth hidden behind his tented knuckles. They… they can still salvage this. More forward. Somehow.]

When we get home tonight, let’s go swimming. [His eyes linger on the flowing waters in front of him, quiet and deep.] I… I really want to swim with you.

[Rin doesn't turn straight away when Sousuke does, taking the time to stare at the space between them on the bench instead, but once he decides he'll find no answers or words there he too shifts in his seat to face the silent river ahead. It's... almost like it never happened. Even if his lips still tingle and he has to bite down to keep them numb. Even if his palms itch and his heart still carries those faint flutters with every other breath.

... Why did he do it? He still doesn't have his proper answer. Anything else could have stopped him from crying, but Sousuke chose that.]

I'm still sorry.

[Rin turns away, staring at the grass, the rocks, the blurry halos at the edge of his vision from cold teardrops still drying on his eyelashes. Is this... just something they're never going to talk about again? Like their petty fights and squabbles, will they sweep tonight under the rug too? It seems harsh. Stupid. Childish. But...

He nods without thinking, his mind automatically putting "swim" and "you" together then formulating a proper response. If they swim, they'll be back to normal. It's a comfortable place, a neutral, respective, balanced place they can retreat to when they've gone too far. Technically, sure. It makes sense. And yet all the same, Rin doesn't want to think of all this as some sort of mistake or something they need to repair. Something to salvage... It hurts to think of it that way.

After rubbing at his eyes with the back of his sleeve, Rin stands up from his spot so he can walk closer towards the water's edge, just close enough for the shallow bank to wet the very tips of his shoes. ... They used to skip stones on a river just like this, almost every day after school. He remembers following the stream towards the ocean and crossing the same bridge together from home every morning. Now there's this. Quiet. Solemn. So damn confusing.]

... And then?

[He waits a beat before slowly looking over his shoulder, the city lights illuminating his frame from behind.]

After that... will we forget this ever happened?

[Sousuke feels the disconnect even before they both end up facing away from each other. It’s heavy, awkward, and doesn’t feel good at all. But it’s also needed right now. They’ve made a mess of things and even though it’s not a “big” thing in the grand scheme… it’s still a problem. The river in front of him flows on without caring about their problems, as if telling them it’s fine to forget about this, that it never happened if they wish it. But… is that even possible?

He still doesn’t know why he did what he did. The obvious answer is that he wanted Rin to stop crying. The deeper answer being that he wanted to remind him that Sousuke’s not going anywhere. The real answer… is not in his head. When Rin apologizes, Sousuke closes his eyes and tilts his head in a quiet accept/dismiss.] Aa. I’m sorry too. [Rin will keep apologizing even if he tells him not to, so Sousuke just accepts it. Easier than getting into a tug of war over something again.

It’s something they don’t have to talk about again. If they don’t want to. As Rin thinks, it can be like one of their arguments, here in a flash and gone just as quickly. Just, Sousuke’s not stupid enough to think something like a kiss is going to go quietly under the rug. The request to swim is probably an attempt to distance both of them from the strangeness of the “new” with the comfort and distraction of the normal. Sousuke knows he’s not going to be able to forget this night, the feeling of Rin’s lips against his own. But he can step away from it for a while and try to… breathe.

The soft question reaches his ears among the flow of the river. Sousuke opens his eyes and looks at his god, taking in the sad expression on his face, the way the breeze flutters his hair and bangs in soft waves, the small, glittering globes of city lights sparkling behind him and illuminating his almost-silhouette. For a while, Sousuke regards him, a mixture of caution and hesitation. But finally, he pushes himself up and walks over to the water. The athlete leans down and picks up a stone from the river’s edge, giving it a few shakes in the water to wash it off. Then stands up next to Rin.]

Can we?

[Sousuke slings his arm forward, side-arming the stone into the water. It goes skipping across the waves a few times before vanishing with a wet ‘ploop’ into the river.]

[He immediately wants to tell him not to apologize, but at this point it’d be stupid to go back and forth with it so Rin leaves the apologies where they are. Come to think of it, they’re not used to saying sorry to each other. It’s more comfortable to let things go or cover them up with something distracting, like a race or a bet, a quiet fist bump before they go their separate ways. Something this intimate though... He bites his lip and shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Intimate. That’s a dumb word for it, isn’t it? Or is it?

Feeling this inexperienced leaves an uncomfortable weight in his stomach. It’s the same for everything else. Swimming, speaking another language, living in another country... All those things he adapted to eventually. So what about this? Maybe it’s too much to consider for one night. Or he’s just thinking too much again. Something of a mixture of the two.

He’s a nervous wreck by the time Sousuke stands up so rather than watch him he quickly looks away again. Doesn’t know what for; just that he has to. What’s he walking here for, why did he ask him something so stupid, wouldn’t it just be better to leave? Apparently not. Because there his shinki goes, plucking a stone from the ground and flinging it off into the river. So casual and yet so surreal. It’s almost like he read his mind. He’ll choose not to ask how he knew to throw at just the right angle or even how to pick the perfect stone, and instead does what comes more naturally. Find a rock, rinse it off, quickly take aim and just... let it go. And off it goes, skipping along the same path as Sousuke’s before sinking below the waves. ... Hmph. Didn’t go as far as he wanted.]

I can’t.

[Don’t. They could argue who’s at fault for hours and never get anywhere but more grumpy. Sousuke’s glad there’s some silence between them. Probably it’s best neither of them talk for right now. Not risk saying something stupid that would trigger another mess. As Rin picks up the stone beside him, Sousuke can’t help but feel a small twinge of comfort despite the overhanging awkwardness. Something about Rin moving like that, both of them so naturally in tune with each other they simply continue the same actions between them… It reminds him they’re still together. For a reason.

Water splatters under the rock as it skips and finally vanishes into the river. He offers the barest of sounds; Rin’s didn’t go as far as his. He bends down and sorts through the pebbles around his feet until he finds one he likes. Cleans it off like before and stands back up. This really has been a complicated night; it started out so good too… But they’d started this night doing something incredibly different, so maybe it’s to be expected.]

Didn’t think so.

[The unspoken “I can’t either” should be pretty obvious. Neither of them are going to forget this night. Or the kiss. They can keep silent about it, never bring it up, but forgetting it is impossible. Sousuke whips his arm forward and sends the stone skipping across the water, the corners of his vest sliding against his hips as his body draws into an athletic twist. Feels natural; doesn’t have to even think about it. And he doesn’t. It’s better that way.]

[Just as before, Rin searches through the pebbles after Sousuke’s tossed his then repeats the same motions. Cleaning it off, shaking away the water, barely taking aim then letting it go. For no reason other than to keep his mind occupied, he counts each skip. There’s no competition, no bet or forfeit... For once they’re doing this for the sake of doing it. Awkward, yes. Uncomfortable... no, not as much as he thought it might be. Honestly, out of all the nights they’ve shared in this new life together, this might be the most relaxing. Easy. Normal. The only things they need to worry about are what any other teenager would worry about.

He doesn’t say a word for at least another minute or two after that, content to relax in this routine, but before he skips another stone he waits... then lowers his hand back towards his side with his thumb idly tracing the smooth edges. Small with a crease towards the center... It’s vaguely heart shaped...]

... Would you do it again?

[This is strangely natural, in a surreal but pleasant sort of way. Getting ready this afternoon had been a little stressful, since neither of them had dressed up formal-like in their time here at the Shores. Then the whole trip to the Near Shore and figuring out what to do and where to go for dinner. And dinner itself, of course, with its back and forth between calm and heavier topics. Finally culminating in the… you know… at the park. Perhaps he should have figured there’d be some crescendo happening; events always have a rising undercurrent to them whenever Rin and Sousuke go out and do things.

That makes this moment so different. There’s no competition, no aggression or tension, they’re not arguing. For a moment, it feels like everything is fine again. Skipping rocks silently side by side, not caring whose went further or teasing about accidentally pushing someone into the water. It’s relaxing.

So he has to wonder what possessed Rin to even ask that question. Not that Sousuke’s at all surprised it comes out. There’s a brief pause in his index finger’s lazy caressing along the top of his newest stone. Be better to stay quiet and not make a mistake again…]

Maybe. Depends on your reaction.

[Tsk, dammit. Why is it that no matter how much he wants to keep his mouth shut around Rin, no matter how easily he’s silent around other people, when Rin asks Sousuke a question, he inevitably answers in one way or another? It’s not a fair answer either, placing the onus on Rin. But, can he really be blamed for it after his god’s reaction to the previous kiss? He doesn’t want to keep making Rin uncomfortable… but he obviously didn’t outright decline either.]

[Rin doesn't even know what compelled him to ask Sousuke something that stupid. Would've been smarter to let the whole thing go, forget about it, try to forget about it... But Sousuke knows Rin well enough by now. He knows there's no chance of either of those things happening with his god, not over something that... significant. If he doesn't push, Sousuke will never budge. If he doesn't push, they'll have this night hanging over their heads for the rest of their days like a dark ominous cloud.

And he knows first hand what happens when they don't communicate well enough.

The answer's not one he's expecting though, so when it comes he doesn't respond straight away, too surprised to even begin. No, it's not fair, and he's not even sure it makes much sense. But... he has to keep pushing.]

So you would.

[Only his eyes move when he says it, quietly regarding his best friend's profile.]

And you want to.

[Well they’ve both been kind of stupid tonight in one way or another. Hell, they’ve both apologized for it already. Sousuke thought for a moment they would let the matter drop, but… hmph, yeah, he knows Rin too well by now. There’s no way the other boy will let such a thing rest for long. The romantic swimming maniac. Perhaps they might have made it till the morrow, but with this setting? The river? The glowing lights?The gentle breeze? Right. He’s fine keeping quiet about it, but unfortunately, Rin knows him too well also. He’s pushing him right now, searching, making him move… making him uncomfortable for a good (he’ll reluctantly admit that) reason. Rin doesn’t want this to burden either of them. He knows Sousuke’ll shoulder it alone if he lets him.

With a soft sigh, the larger athlete closes his eyes and rinses his hands off in the river, then stands up. He goes to put them in his pockets—Ah, never mind. Leaves them by his sides. Rin’s not going to let this drop.] Hmph. [So you would. Well… yes. He says “maybe” but since it relies on Rin’s reactions, that’s obviously saying he’s willing to. Sousuke feels eyes on him, looking at his profile, and he doesn’t move much more than lowering his head slightly and lifting his shoulders against the breeze.]

Are you asking me or telling me?

[He watches Sousuke dip his hands into the water, the way the ripples move between his fingers, the sound of droplets when they drip back down to the waves... These simple, everyday things remind him his best friend exists, but all the same there's an eerie feeling underlying his comfort. It tells him he's here, he's breathing, he's speaking... but he's also not quite himself. Like a ghost or an empty vessel, his best friend's been molded into whatever the two Shores need him to be. Which parts of him are real? Does he think, act, and feel for himself?

I want you to do things because you want to. I want you to own yourself.

Rin's hand tightens around the small stone in his palm.]

I know you better than anyone.

[I'm telling you.]

I don't need to tap into my powers to know what's going through your head. [...] Or your heart.

[Whenever Rin’s eyes are on him, he can always feel the different things behind them. Sometimes they’re happy, looking at him with joy. Other times they’re appraising, looking over his body to see what he looks like and if he’s taking care of himself. And then moments like these… when Sousuke feels his gaze lingering on him, full of sadness and nostalgia, looking at someone who may or may not be there, someone who’s changed, who’s different. He knows that look without even having to see it now; he knows why that look is there as well. Both because of his own amnesia and Rin’s “Tokyo friend” …

This kind of look never makes him feel comfortable. It reminds him of what Rin lost, of what he lost, and makes him doubt himself. All of him.

Who am I?

Sousuke frowns at Rin’s words. They’re a relief to hear. Rin is there for him, always. He knows who Sousuke is and he won’t let him doubt himself for long. But simultaneously, they’re a burden. Because Rin knows more about Sousuke than even Sousuke does. He should be annoyed that Rin would “tell” him what Sousuke feels and would do… yet he feels nothing “wrong” about the statement. Because it’s true.

He would kiss him again. And he would want to.]

Aa… [Sousuke tilts his head back and gazes up at the stars.] And then you’d cry again.

[In that respect, Sousuke knows Rin better than anyone too. He’s learned his quirks and cues, what thoughts swim behind his eyes as he watches the world and his shinki every day. He knows only enough to keep their bond strong, both on and off the battlefield. What should otherwise be unnerving ends up putting his mind at ease instead, because there’s no guess work or vagueness between them anymore. Sousuke might not know everything, but he knows enough, just enough, to keep their friendship as it should be. ... Still, Rin knows Sousuke can never truly be satisfied with “just enough.” He knows he’s searching for more.

Is that why he looks to the stars like that?

I can’t tell you who you are. Nobody can. That’s something you have to rediscover on your own.

Pebbles crackle beneath his feet as he steps closer and breaks the distance by a foot or so. Hands in his pockets, maroon hair gently blowing in the breeze. Somehow, he feels warmer hearing those words, not because he’s embarrassed, but because they reach the deepest parts of his heart. Always thinking about him, his future, his safety... his smile. Not his tears.

I knew you would cry...]

I wouldn’t. [Maybe. Within reason.] I’d be more prepared.

[Yes, he has learned a lot about Rin. He knows him very well, both discovered and instinctive. Able to read his thoughts and mood without having to hear him say something, just by looking at his face, his eyes, or seeing his body motions. Twitches of his brow, barely-noticeable dips of his eyes, a pink on his face, the ease of his breath… Even some of the reasons behind his passions and dreams. For all the discomfort and awkwardness that filled their first few weeks together, the time that’s gone by has seen him grow closer, comfortable, content around Rin. With him. A strong friendship that runs far deeper than he readily admits rests between them. Comforting him with the promise Rin will be there for him.

And yet, for all he knows about Rin, Rin knows so much more about him. There’s an imbalance between them that shouldn’t be there. I want to know more about you… There’s still so much I don’t know. So much I can’t remember. It’s not enough. For either of them. The stars don’t offer any answer, but they are relaxing. Despite the two teenagers’ size and athletic bodies, they’re still just two tiny people on this big world. But they’re together. And that’s what’s important. Broken, complete, missing, found, sad, happy, small or big.

Sousuke lowers his head as Rin approaches him. It’s only a slight drift, but it brings them close again. The river breeze flutters through Rin’s bangs and rustles though Sousuke’s hair, dragging the hems and collars of their formal clothes. Hn, isn’t it always Rin’s tears and the fact Sousuke wishes he could prevent them, knowing they would be there, that usually prompt him in these intense, deeper moments of their relationship.

The promise earns a slight hum and lift of his shoulders. Maybe even a tiny, soft smile.] Sure. [He doesn’t believe him. Though, at least, he’s pretty sure Rin will be more prepared if it happens again.] … Do you want me to?

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