thenearshore | 32 - Blow Your Top

[ Hakkai points, and he turns off immediately, tires jerking to a dusty stop as he hits the brakes too hard. ]

Sorry, [ he mutters, giving the steering wheel a pat, still not looking at Hakkai. Not until he half turns in the seat, holding his damaged arm between them. Only then does he look up.

His poker face really is terrible. He's trying for a blank sort of professionalism... but mostly he just looks quietly unhappy. Unhappy, and stoically holding back a hell of a lot of pain -- it's okay when he holds his arm still, but every time he has to move it, it screams at him. ]

However much you can do is okay. [ How much can Hakkai do, without his potions and bandages and all the accessories he inherited as Li Tieguai? ] And I was just joking about the break, don't worry about that.

[ He wasn't joking -- the bone still isn't entirely healed -- but Hakkai's just been through a lot. If he's too tired, and pushes himself too hard, then couldn't he hurt himself trying to heal Gojyo? That wouldn't help either of them. ]

I wasn't joking. [Gojyo's trying to look stoic, but there's pain etched deeply on his face. Hakkai inhales, exhales, and reaches out, channeling energy into his palms in a warm rush of light as he crosses his hands over Gojyo's wound. He's careful not to actually touch the blistered skin; it's fragile, and if Gojyo's showing how much it hurts, it must be agonizing.

And, besides, he feels scraped sufficiently raw by the whole situation. Touching Gojyo, deliberately, knowing that they're both awake and alive, seems like a bridge much too far.

He focuses on the depths of the wound first, soothing inflammation and prodding damaged and seared muscle into regrowth, with an unnecessary, guiltily profligate rush of energy.

Chikusa, he's quite sure, would shout at him for that. So would Ken. Neither of them need to know; he'd done this, after all. The damaged flesh and the cracked, strained and callousing bone beneath are both his fault, as much as the blood he'd imagined had been his fault.

He'd understand, he thinks, blinking against slight lightheadedness as he encourages that half-built, abused bone callous to strengthen (Gojyo has been doing far too much on a broken bone) -- he'd understand if Gojyo would blame him for the things he's done. Those are certainly bad enough.]

[ Hakkai's hands light up, and Gojyo carefully, intentionally, with great effort, doesn't react. He's seen Hakkai use his energy to heal others -- he has no reason to be afraid. 'Gojyo' would never be afraid of Hakkai.

His breath catches, as Hakkai reaches out with his energy -- an onlooker might take it to be pain, but it's anything but. Hakkai's energy is warm -- almost uncomfortably so, like a blanket in the summertime -- but it's welcome. Safe. Or if not safe, then definitely familiar.

He wants to watch, watch to follow in awed amazement as his broken skin pinks over, as the blisters subside, wants to monitor Hakkai's condition, make sure he isn't straining himself... but instead he has to look away. It's too much.

It's like being held, like Hakkai's holding his hand but in a way that he can feel all the way down into his bones. In every blood vessel, every string of tendon. He knew the basics of the process, but he'd never imaged it was this... intimate.

Good thing his arm hurts so much, he thinks, and chokes on his laugh. Otherwise he'd be hard as a rock, and wouldn't that be embarrassing!

It's possible he might be a little loopy from the endorphins. ]

That's, uh. I think that's good enough.

Not quite. [Hakkai's tone is stubborn; his hands are shaking slightly with the strain, after a day of driving and healing, but he's done far more than this before, healed far more serious wounds. And, besides, if Gojyo's going to be helping with the volcano's effects -- and he's sure Gojyo will -- his arm can't be only half-healed.

He'll just injure it again if it is.

(And, of course, the guilt is still a live coal under his diaphragm; wiping away the wounds won't quench it, he knows, but it will help.)

When the last of the wound is sealed over with clean skin, he'll lift his hands away, and take a breath, before twisting to the side to hunt for his monocle under the seat.]

... How does it feel?

[ Hakkai won't stop. Okay. Gojyo nods, and closes his eyes, breathing deep and slow, keeping his emotions and body both under control until Hakkai finally -- finally -- finishes.

He's cautious, laying his fingertips lightly on the new skin, but Hakkai does good work. The muscle underneath stands up to a tentative squeeze, and that's more than he was expecting. ]

It feels good. [ But how much did it take out of Hakkai? His pleasantly surprised grin sharpens as he searches Hakkai's face -- if that was too much, he's going to be mad as hell. ] How do you feel?

[By the time Hakkai sits back up, monocle in hand, a few seconds later, his own expression is mostly back under control; he looks up at Gojyo with a faint, unhappy smile.]

Ah, I'm fine.

[The energy expenditure was more than a deep burn should have needed, but it wasn't pushing his limits. Maybe he'll sleep well tonight.

Maybe. He exhales, and settles the monocle back into place, adding in a low voice:]

I'm sorry.

Don't. [ Gojyo raises his freshly healed hand, before Hakkai can go any further. ] Stop apologizing for blastin' me, I mean it.

[ Hakkai looks okay -- there's no fresh circles under his eyes, he's not sweating, nothing that Gojyo would expect to see if he overdid it with the magic.

That's good.

That means he can leave. ]

More of this place's fucked up magic juice leaked out and poisoned you, [he says, sternly, sliding out of the driver's seat. He's feeling a little shaky and weak, but he'll be okay. A walk and some fresh air will clear his head, and he'll be fine. ] ...And that's th'last I want to hear about it.

I'm not apologizing for blasting you.

[He'd done that. This is... Hakkai sits up straighter in the passenger seat, turning towards Gojyo, hands poised on his knees.]

I'm apologizing for hurting you.

[And the physical wounds are the least of it, over the last half-year they've spent taking alternating chunks out of each other.]

[ Oh. Of course. Of course he is. Of course this isn't over yet.

Gojyo turns, giving Hakkai the respect of a face-to-face confession. ]

It wasn't a dream. The other night? When you and Ayumu and Goku all came to check on my nightmare?

[ In retrospect, he'd have expected Goku to drop in. Ayumu he wouldn't have expected -- she's more likely to politely nag him the next day until he spills all his secrets.

Hakkai showing up? Well, that just makes him a better man than Gojyo is. ]

It wasn't a nightmare. [ He's certain about this -- he talked it over with Goku, so he's sure. ] There was a little youkai boy and a man-sized... I dunno. But it was mean, and they'd killed all of you. Or fake killed, anyway, [ he corrects himself, with an eyeroll. Goku had been adamant about that, that they weren't really dead, but it didn't change anything. ] In the memory, I thought you were dead. And I know I'd wished for it.

Did I ever admit to that?

[It's not news that it was a memory; it's not news what memory it was, either, because Goku had told him as much. It's not news, either, that the child and his monstrous 'brother' had gone after them because Gojyo had been talking carelessly about his asshole friends.

Hakkai's expression is curious, but not surprised.]

I don't think I can tell you that.

['Fake killed.' Well, at least Gojyo knows they hadn't really been murdered in that moment....]

But I knew, yes.

[ Yeah, yeah, he can't answer that question... except he kinda can, can't he? Gojyo nods, his theory confirmed. ]

Then until you go out and hire somebody to kill me, there's nothin' you owe me an apology for.

[He really isn't making it easy to apologize, Hakkai reflects; there's no way to get past an airy dismissal like that one without either being much too serious or skating too close to things Hakkai can't say.

There's no option, in other words. He lets out a breath, posture proper enough to look brittle, and murmurs:]

I still can't understand you.

[They'd fought, Gojyo had fought with his shinki, he'd refused even to acknowledge Hakkai showing up at his bar, and now-- what? He's trying for friendly banter, confessing memories, and brushing off the tension between them with It's okay, I probably tried to have you killed once?

Regardless, it looks like he's planning to walk away. Hakkai supposes he could start another fight about that if he wanted.

He feels brittle, hallucinations or no. He breathes out, and shifts over into the abandoned driver's seat, instead.]

[ If he could have one wish, Gojyo thinks, bitterly, just one wish... it would be to never again have somebody say I just don't understand you, ever again. ]

It's not that complicated. I finally listened. [ He listened to Hakkai, to Goku... to Sharak, when she was here. To Genjo, for the few hours they knew each other. To Doku. Everyone's been telling him the same thing, over and over, and over and over he's stuck his fingers in his ears and run the other way. But now, finally, he's listened. ] If I'm really Gojyo, and these memories really are mine, like you've all been tellin' me, then I'm responsible for the things I remember doing. I tried to get you all kil--

[ But he's interrupted as another earthquake rumbles down from the volcano, but it's just a little one, all rumble and no real movement. Still, Gojyo freezes, hands out and stance wide, until it passes. ]

I'm gettin' really tired of those.

[He could try making sense. Hakkai settles his hands on Jeep's wheel, the plastic still warm from Gojyo's hands, and his gaze jerks up and away to the mountains at the rumble of the quake. It doesn't linger, and the ground doesn't sway beneath them, this time.

Eventually, his gaze falls back to Gojyo, searching and dark.]

It's up to you what you want to take responsibility for. It's not...

[His breath slips out, unvoiced, and he has to inhale again before he can try to find words.]

It doesn't have anything to do with who you are. [Is Gojyo saying he's resisted the idea of being Gojyo because he's been resisting whatever guilt he's heaped on that identity? Whatever he thinks he'd done... Hakkai remembers him insisting that it was the scars on his body that made him worthy of blame, months ago. Now it's a memory he'd just gotten back, of a moment when casually telling stories to a little boy had drawn them all into an ambush.

There's always a reason, isn't there?]

I don't care who you think you are. I care who you think I am.

[ There's always a reason. Last time it took three years of domestic bliss plus who knows how many months on the road before Gojyo stopped hating himself just for existing. Here, with impulses he doesn't understand and conflicting stories about who he's supposed to be? He doesn't stand a chance. ]

Who I think you are? [ Gojyo's voice hardens, and he can't look at Hakkai except sideways. ] I think you're a spoiled brat, mostly.

[ He doesn't know if this is 'Gojyo'-like behavior or not, and right at this moment he doesn't much care. He's exhausted, it's been an emotionally turbulent afternoon, and what can he say? He's feeling honest. ]

I think you... are the kindest, most patient man who was ever born, so long as nobody disagrees with you. [ Just ask Ayumu about that. Or Sharak, for that matter. ] I think that you really love h-- me, but I think that sometimes, you wish I wasn't here. That I was wherever Sharak and Genjo and Tsuzuki are. [ Hakkai undoubtedly feels the jolt of grief at the mention of Tsuzuki -- that's a loss he won't be getting over any time soon. But he crushes it down quickly -- he's getting better at that part, at least.

Just like he's getting better at putting his thoughts into words. ]

And I don't think you know what you want. From me, from this place, from yourself, from any of it. I think you're every bit as lost and confused as I am, but you've got this idea that you're the boss, you're the one who has to make the hard decisions, so you won't ever ask for help. ...Because you think you're better than me.

[ But for all that vitriol, he's not angry. Not attacking. If anything, he sounds sad -- this is just the way things are, says his tone, says his posture, says the set to his jaw. This is just how his life is, and he's trying to be okay with it. ]

How close am I?

[At least he's being honest. Hakkai's breath puffs out, and he looks down at Jeep's steering wheel. Gojyo's grief at his friend's name blends easily into his own, raw and harsh, and it's unfair, isn't it, that he can keep his own to himself. There are three other people sharing Gojyo's. No wonder he's hiding those feelings so fast.]

Where Kanan is? [That's very quiet, almost hollow.] Yes, I'm lost. I've told you I don't know what I'm doing.

I thought I was asking you for help. I thought I've been--

[He pulls one of his hands away from the steering wheel before he clenches it hard enough to damage Jeep, letting it ball into a fist on his knee.

You think you're better than me.]

-- I can't stand myself, Gojyo, how do you think I could love someone I thought I was better than?

[ Where Kanan is. That's right.

If he's going to trust that his memories are real, then he has to believe that the possessed bodies he's heard about really had everyone's ghosts in them, too. That really was Kanan, the woman Hakkai murdered a thousand people to save.

God. How did he bear it? ]

You don't show it. [I can't stand myself. Fuck, they really are a pair, aren't they? ] I don't get to listen in on your feelings, I don't know when you're sad or scared or, or guilty... And you're always smiling. You don't let me in, [ and he beats one fist on his chest, angrily, right over his heart, ] and I can't keep you out. [ But no, he's not angry. His fists are clenched, but he doesn't want to take a swing at Hakkai. He wants Hakkai at his back -- at his side -- as they beat the snot out of whoever put them into this situation.

He wants to hold him, comfort him. ...Be held by him. But that point of their relationship is long gone, that kind of trust burned away by months of confrontation. He needs Hakkai to trust him, and there's no reason Hakkai should trust him -- his heart's stuck at an impasse, and it twists painfully in his chest.

All his steam runs out and he droops where he stands, just a loser in the middle of the street, struggling for the right words. ]

That's what I need. [ For better or worse. He takes a deep breath. ] What do you need?

I don't know how to show it and still bear it.

[That admission sounds hollow, too. Gojyo's stronger than he is that way. Gojyo can pin his heart on his sleeve; Hakkai can hardly bear to let himself glimpse his own. And here they are, Hakkai feeling Gojyo's every pang of misery, Gojyo-- Gojyo not even sure how to see when he doesn't mean his smile.

He'd never learned how not to smile; Gojyo'd learned how to read them. It's his own turn to learn, or give up. The thought scrapes him rawer: he's afraid that it'll hurt them both if he opens up, because it has, every time, it has. And then there's the other fear, that if he relaxes his control, he won't be able to get it back before he's elbow-deep in blood.

Not Gojyo's, at least. Amaterasu's shinki's, probably: he's a little too furious, a little too desperate, to really let go. He knows himself that well.]

I just... [He sounds wrung-out, wounded; he hears it in his own voice, winces, and goes on anyway.]

I can't ask you to like me if you don't. I've never deserved it.

I just wish you'd stop assuming I must be the boss, that I'm arranging everything that happens, that I'm giving everyone but you orders -- stop interpreting everything I say in the most uncharitable possible way.

[He has to stop to catch his breath. He is mad, a little. Mostly he's frustrated, and hurt, and he sounds it.

It's been a long day and it's not even done.]

I wish you'd believe I care about you at least as much as Ayumu does.

[ As much as Ayumu does? Is he fucking kidding? ]

If I called Ayumu for help because her shinki had me cornered, do you think she would’ve just left me there?

[ Yeah, Hakkai showed up – finally. But only after Gojyo had blighted the hell out of him. Only after Chikusa had killed him. ]

You can’t show me when you’re hurting, you don’t show me when you’re happy, you make me have to guess what’s goin’ on with you all the time, and then when I guess wrong you get mad! I’ve been out here losing my goddamn mind trying to make sense of things, and when I’ve tried to talk to you about it, you just tell me to stop it. You tell me I’m wrong, you tell me...

[ He throws up his hands in despair. ]

You treat me like I’m an idiot, Hakkai! Every idea I have, every time I sit and really think about what’s goin’ on with us shinki, with heaven, or with us, with you and me, and all I ever hear is no, Gojyo, that’s wrong, Gojyo, don’t be ridiculous Gojyo. Just do what I tell you to, Gojyo.

[ Boiling over with frustration, he slaps his index fingertip against his temple, hand held like a gun. ] Is it any fucking wonder that sometimes I...!

[ No. No. No, dammit, he’s not thinking this. Not here. He bites the thought off, clenching the ‘gun’ tight into a fist, and he turns his back to Hakkai, sucking in a shuddering breath to try bring himself back down. ]

Edited 2018-09-11 18:25 (UTC)

You think Ayumu might assume you could deal with a sixteen-year-old boy asking you awkward questions all on your own? I think she might!

[Especially if she'd been hurting--

Well. She doesn't have much of a record of caring about Hakkai's feelings, no matter how clearly he tries to explain them to her. Maybe she's been better with Gojyo.

He's shaking, hot and cold in waves, the sight of Gojyo's fingertip pressed against his forehead like a gun barrel (and saying it's Hakkai's fault, again, saying it's because of what he says, what he does) as stark and lingering as the false vision of his torn throat. Worse, because it's real.]

I don't treat you like an idiot, I keep trying to talk to you about whatever you bring up, and you shut down every time! If you're hearing, "that's ridiculous," that's because you aren't listening to me.

Can't you think about me without assuming the worst?

Can't you just ask me, and if you're wrong, can't I say so without you thinking it means I think you're stupid or worthless when you're just wrong? [He brings his fist down on his knee, hard enough to bruise, and his gaze snaps up desperately to seek Gojyo's, hoping he'll turn.]

Wrong isn't stupid. You're not stupid. But you keep expecting me to be your enemy, and when I say I'm not you either call me a liar or you lash out at me for saying you're wrong.

[ He almost interrupts at the sixteen year old boy comment, but instead he bites down hard on his tongue and waits for Hakkai to finish. Because Hakkai doesn’t want to hear what he has to say. He doesn’t want to talk. He just wants to be right. Chikusa stalks him, restrains him with a borderline, attacks him, demands to know the most intimate fucking details of what Gojyo’s heart is feeling… and Hakkai thinks Gojyo’s the problem. Chikusa hits him with a borderline in the middle of a meeting, dozens of witnesses to testify that Gojyo hadn’t so much looked in his direction beforehand, but when Gojyo tries to get him to drop it, that’s the attack. That’s the problem. It’s always him – he’s the one who’s wrong. Never Chikusa.

Never Hakkai.

He’s so mad he can barely see. ]

And of course you’re always right. [ He’s not turning around – he’s not sure what his face is giving away, if his eyes are burning from smoke or from anger or from tears, and whatever the cause he’s not going to let Hakkai see that. His voice is level and low, but so full of animosity that it hurts his throat to speak. ] Stupid Gojyo, trustin’ his own ears and eyes. I shoulda been comin’ to you from the beginning, askin’ you to make all my decisions for me, verify what I was thinkin’ and feeling. [ He coughs out a laugh. ] But that’s not you wantin’ to be the boss, no. That’s just comin’ from the goodness of your heart because I’m always so goddamn wrong.

[ How could I love somebody I thought I was better than. What a telling goddamn statement. ]

Of course I'm not always right! [Gojyo's voice has gone poisonous: and there it is again, "stupid Gojyo," there's "I'm always so goddamn wrong"--

Can't he hear anything without fitting it into that story he tells himself, about how Hakkai thinks he's so stupid, Hakkai thinks he's trash, Hakkai's just bossing him around by begging not to be treated like an enemy?

Hakkai's half out of the seat, frozen with one toe touching the ground, between moving towards him and retreating back to Jeep to nurse his wounds. Sulfur and ash and frustration choke his voice to a thread.]

But you're wrong about me. You keep being wrong about me, and you never ask me what I mean, and when I say I want you not to always think the worst of me all you hear is "oh, Hakkai says 'stop it' again."

[Jeep's engine rumbles uneasily.]

Edited 2018-09-11 20:32 (UTC)

[ Maybe, if they’re both lucky, the volcano will erupt and drown them both in lava before too long. ]

So lemme get this straight. The next time you tell me that Chikusa pickin’ a fight with me is my fault, you want me to say gee, actually, I bet he doesn’t mean it. Next time you laugh at me because stupid fucking Sha Gojyo thinks that Amaterasu’s folks might be lyin’ about how we got here, I should laugh too, because you don’t mean anything mean by it. Right? Next time...

[ Fuck. He squeezes his freshly healed hand into such a tight fist that he can feel the skin give way beneath his nails. ]

Next time you tell me that I don’t actually love you, that I’m just here to get my dick wet, you want me to pretend I didn’t hear you right.

[ He can’t turn around and he can’t walk away – how fucking pathetic is this? ]

You don’t want to have to change what you’re doing, or saying... you just don’t want me to be mad at you for it.

[Hakkai's standing, now, arms crossed tight against his chest as he shouts: he doesn't know when he stood up, but he feels as if he's been forced to his feet, the words dragged out of him like barbed wire, scraping his tight throat raw and bloody.]

Maybe I could believe you love me if you'd stop treating me like your enemy! Maybe if whenever I said "stop assuming the worst about me" you didn't do this, you didn't turn on me and say I'm calling you stupid, I'm laughing at you, I'm ruining your life, I make you want to die--

-- is that love?

What do you love when you can't stand anything about me and you won't trust me even a little?

Because if it's just my pretty face-- [His arms are uncrossed, hand on his ear, limiters coming free before he can think, and he hurls them to the ground with a clawed hand. His eyes are burning; the monocle falls free, too, dislodged by the shift of his skull around it and hitting the ash on the ground with a soft gray puff.]

If it's just this face, Gojyo, that's not love.

[ It’s not just his face, he wants to scream back. It’s not just his body – what he feels for Hakkai, he feels in his heart, not his pants! What he feels...

It’s a need, sure. He needs to be around Hakkai like he needs to breathe air. Looking at him raises his mood – even when they’re fighting, there’s no place he feels safer. He doesn’t feel whole, without Hakkai – when they’re apart it’s like he’s missing his arm again. Like his lungs don’t work. Food tastes better when Hakkai’s sitting across the table from him. The sun is warmer. Living makes sense.

But apparently Hakkai doesn’t think he’s capable of anything other than lust. Hakkai thinks he’s just here because he’s got a thing for youkai. After all this time,

Hakkai doesn’t think he can love.

He straightens up, slowly, head held high, breathing deep and slow to try and choke down the knot in his throat. A traitorous tear finally breaks free, streaking the ash on his cheek, but he doesn’t dare raise his hand to wipe it away. Doesn’t dare give Hakkai the satisfaction. It’s from the dust, that’s all. The dust and the burning winds. ]

Is this th’point where I’m supposed to ask you what you mean?

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cw: suicidal talk

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