thenearshore | 32 - Blow Your Top

[ Hakkai sounds... Gojyo doesn't know. Mad, maybe. Upset. He frowns, leaning into a turn that he's probably taking a bit too fast. They'd been doing pretty well there, for a minute, talking like two people who didn't hate each other. Do they have to go back to being all terse and cold, now that Hakkai's not seeing shit anymore?

Maybe they don't have to. Maybe there's somewhere between declarations of love (which Hakkai apparently never quite believed -- Gojyo swallows hard and pushes that thought away) and declarations of war. Maybe... maybe they can talk like friends.

He'd like to be friends. It might not be possible, but there's a Hakkai sized hole in his life right now, and no amount of pretending or distractions or anger has done anything other than rub that hole raw. He can breathe better, when Hakkai's nearby. And if Hakkai feels the same, then... then maybe.

He's not ready for love, but maybe they could try like? ]

They really care about you. [ Nope, that's too serious. He tries again, with a laugh: ] Ken almost hurt himself, tryin' to get me to pour my heart out to him. I felt kinda bad.

[Ken had come away from that conversation passionately trying to convince Hakkai that Gojyo was an awful person who didn't care about him one single bit. Hakkai's breath puffs out, pained, and he reaches up to pull his monocle free so that he can rub his eyes and attempt opening them again.

This time, nothing leaps at him, although it's still foggy, and the edges of his vision waver. Gojyo's on his blind side, and so, like the ostrich, he can pretend he's not being watched.]

I'm sorry.

[It's useless and stupid, and he sounds like some kind of wind-up doll to his own ears. Pull the string for platitudes.

But what else is he supposed to say? Is Gojyo trying to cheer him up? Is this supposed to be a happy anecdote? One of those conversations had ended with him a slumped heap on the library floor and Chikusa dragging him away, and Hakkai had nearly swallowed his tongue at the sight.

Today he's the one who'd nearly killed Gojyo. If he'd stuck his head out from behind that tree instead of his arm--

He sits very straight in the passenger seat, and tries not to look miserable.]

[ Okay.

Okay then. No, it's fine. It is. It's more than fine, really -- it's fair. He's been hot and cold at Hakkai for months now -- why did he think it was a good idea to try and be friendly now, of all times? They aren't there yet. Maybe they won't ever be.

He's been cruel and petty and made horrible horrible decisions, he's spent weeks accusing Hakkai of things that it turns out he didn't do... he hasn't been a friend.

And there's no way in hell he's going to sit here and drown in self-pity, not when Hakkai can feel it! He lifts his head, sets his jaw, and nods, just once. He can be 'Gojyo', and 'Gojyo' doesn't mope. ]

I think we're almost there. How are you doing?

[Hakkai's chest aches, sharply, and Gojyo's voice goes brisk and practical, and, ah, he thinks, maybe it wasn't just blood loss after all, maybe this is some kind of wildly ill-chosen olive branch. He's trying to speak well of Ken, isn't he?

He turns his head, careful and slow, to see Gojyo in the driver's seat, looking ahead, jawline drawn with tension. His throat is intact. His throat is intact-- tension abruptly runs out of Hakkai's posture, rounding his shoulders, crumpling him in around the ache behind his breastbone. He fumbles with his monocle as he tries to conceal his collapse by settling it back in place.]

I, ah, I'm not seeing things any longer.

[It slips from his hand and falls, sliding under Jeep's seat. His lips thin to hold back a curse, and he carefully puts one hand over his face, trying to hold back unformed white-hot fury at himself, this place, the stupid volcano, the stupid situation. His fingertips tremble against his eyebrow.

Still, even barely forcing himself under control, he can't resist looking again, checking Gojyo's face, his throat, gaze dropping with a flinch to check the fresh wound on his arm.]

[ The wound is bad -- he's lucky he didn't lose his arm. He's holding his arm up in front of his stomach, where it's not touching anything, and small wonder: from just past his elbow all the way to the backs of his fingers his hand is a red and black mess, covered in freshly formed blisters. If he'd moved a hair slower, if his arm had been a hair more exposed... ]

I'm glad to hear it. [ He's not slowing down, though -- there's no telling what caused Hakkai to see things, and it would be stupid to assume that the danger's passed. Best to get all the way off the volcano, for Hakkai's sake. ] Any idea what happened?

[It's frankly amazing that he's driving, and not in shock. Hakkai's eyes widen, slightly, as he gets a better look at the real wound.]

No. I'd met a few people today who seemed to be confused, or seeing things, but--

[But no one he'd known well enough to make him truly suspicious of their state. In the middle of a crisis, people can become confused or lash out, after all. His lips thin: clearly he should have put more weight on those encounters.]

I didn't notice it happening to me. Are you-- you haven't seen anything strange today, have you?

[He's pulling himself back together, sitting up straighter in his chair, but the concern on his face isn't hidden.]

[ He can endure a lot of pain, apparently. Not something he really wanted to know about himself, but it's proven useful.

He also may be dissociating somewhat... but that's fine. Just because he feels like he's floating a little outside his body doesn't mean he can't drive! ]

I saw a volcano. [ His deadpan is amazing. But then he frowns a little, thinking hard -- had he seen anything strange? ] And there was a kid, maybe ten or so? With lava powers. I'm pretty sure he was real, though.

I saw a volcano too.

[He matches Gojyo's deadpan, briefly giving in to the habit of banter. Whether they have the right to or not -- whether it feels right or not -- there's something comforting in it regardless.

He turns his head, scanning the terrain. They're almost down into the foothills; they can stop soon.

(And, scanning the terrain, he can avoid letting Gojyo see the sharper worry on his face.)]

Another child with strange powers?

[ Hakkai may have to tell Gojyo to stop, then, since Gojyo's still planning on getting them both as far from the volcano as possible. ]

Yeah. Sotaro or Sotero, something like that. A real little brat.

[ That part's not deadpan -- Sotaro had gotten under his skin, a little. ]

He's a god, from outside the Far Shore... but not an old god. He said he snuck himself in here, but he wouldn't tell me how. [ Was that it? It hadn't been a long conversation. ...Oh, right. ] And he knows Votelli. [ Dryly: ] He thinks she's stupid.

[Well, that explains why Gojyo doesn't like him. Knowing, and badmouthing, Votelli would probably be enough. Still, a god from outside the Far Shore who knows her is specific enough that he almost has to be involved, doesn't he?

Hakkai nods, slowly. There's a shoulder to the road ahead, wide enough that it could fit two of Jeep, and he points at it.]

Whoever's behind this, they like using child gods, don't they? -- You can pull over there, Gojyo. I should see to your arm.

[He barely hesitates over the words, but it's still enough to keep his voice from quite achieving 'brisk.']

[ Hakkai points, and he turns off immediately, tires jerking to a dusty stop as he hits the brakes too hard. ]

Sorry, [ he mutters, giving the steering wheel a pat, still not looking at Hakkai. Not until he half turns in the seat, holding his damaged arm between them. Only then does he look up.

His poker face really is terrible. He's trying for a blank sort of professionalism... but mostly he just looks quietly unhappy. Unhappy, and stoically holding back a hell of a lot of pain -- it's okay when he holds his arm still, but every time he has to move it, it screams at him. ]

However much you can do is okay. [ How much can Hakkai do, without his potions and bandages and all the accessories he inherited as Li Tieguai? ] And I was just joking about the break, don't worry about that.

[ He wasn't joking -- the bone still isn't entirely healed -- but Hakkai's just been through a lot. If he's too tired, and pushes himself too hard, then couldn't he hurt himself trying to heal Gojyo? That wouldn't help either of them. ]

I wasn't joking. [Gojyo's trying to look stoic, but there's pain etched deeply on his face. Hakkai inhales, exhales, and reaches out, channeling energy into his palms in a warm rush of light as he crosses his hands over Gojyo's wound. He's careful not to actually touch the blistered skin; it's fragile, and if Gojyo's showing how much it hurts, it must be agonizing.

And, besides, he feels scraped sufficiently raw by the whole situation. Touching Gojyo, deliberately, knowing that they're both awake and alive, seems like a bridge much too far.

He focuses on the depths of the wound first, soothing inflammation and prodding damaged and seared muscle into regrowth, with an unnecessary, guiltily profligate rush of energy.

Chikusa, he's quite sure, would shout at him for that. So would Ken. Neither of them need to know; he'd done this, after all. The damaged flesh and the cracked, strained and callousing bone beneath are both his fault, as much as the blood he'd imagined had been his fault.

He'd understand, he thinks, blinking against slight lightheadedness as he encourages that half-built, abused bone callous to strengthen (Gojyo has been doing far too much on a broken bone) -- he'd understand if Gojyo would blame him for the things he's done. Those are certainly bad enough.]

[ Hakkai's hands light up, and Gojyo carefully, intentionally, with great effort, doesn't react. He's seen Hakkai use his energy to heal others -- he has no reason to be afraid. 'Gojyo' would never be afraid of Hakkai.

His breath catches, as Hakkai reaches out with his energy -- an onlooker might take it to be pain, but it's anything but. Hakkai's energy is warm -- almost uncomfortably so, like a blanket in the summertime -- but it's welcome. Safe. Or if not safe, then definitely familiar.

He wants to watch, watch to follow in awed amazement as his broken skin pinks over, as the blisters subside, wants to monitor Hakkai's condition, make sure he isn't straining himself... but instead he has to look away. It's too much.

It's like being held, like Hakkai's holding his hand but in a way that he can feel all the way down into his bones. In every blood vessel, every string of tendon. He knew the basics of the process, but he'd never imaged it was this... intimate.

Good thing his arm hurts so much, he thinks, and chokes on his laugh. Otherwise he'd be hard as a rock, and wouldn't that be embarrassing!

It's possible he might be a little loopy from the endorphins. ]

That's, uh. I think that's good enough.

Not quite. [Hakkai's tone is stubborn; his hands are shaking slightly with the strain, after a day of driving and healing, but he's done far more than this before, healed far more serious wounds. And, besides, if Gojyo's going to be helping with the volcano's effects -- and he's sure Gojyo will -- his arm can't be only half-healed.

He'll just injure it again if it is.

(And, of course, the guilt is still a live coal under his diaphragm; wiping away the wounds won't quench it, he knows, but it will help.)

When the last of the wound is sealed over with clean skin, he'll lift his hands away, and take a breath, before twisting to the side to hunt for his monocle under the seat.]

... How does it feel?

[ Hakkai won't stop. Okay. Gojyo nods, and closes his eyes, breathing deep and slow, keeping his emotions and body both under control until Hakkai finally -- finally -- finishes.

He's cautious, laying his fingertips lightly on the new skin, but Hakkai does good work. The muscle underneath stands up to a tentative squeeze, and that's more than he was expecting. ]

It feels good. [ But how much did it take out of Hakkai? His pleasantly surprised grin sharpens as he searches Hakkai's face -- if that was too much, he's going to be mad as hell. ] How do you feel?

[By the time Hakkai sits back up, monocle in hand, a few seconds later, his own expression is mostly back under control; he looks up at Gojyo with a faint, unhappy smile.]

Ah, I'm fine.

[The energy expenditure was more than a deep burn should have needed, but it wasn't pushing his limits. Maybe he'll sleep well tonight.

Maybe. He exhales, and settles the monocle back into place, adding in a low voice:]

I'm sorry.

Don't. [ Gojyo raises his freshly healed hand, before Hakkai can go any further. ] Stop apologizing for blastin' me, I mean it.

[ Hakkai looks okay -- there's no fresh circles under his eyes, he's not sweating, nothing that Gojyo would expect to see if he overdid it with the magic.

That's good.

That means he can leave. ]

More of this place's fucked up magic juice leaked out and poisoned you, [he says, sternly, sliding out of the driver's seat. He's feeling a little shaky and weak, but he'll be okay. A walk and some fresh air will clear his head, and he'll be fine. ] ...And that's th'last I want to hear about it.

I'm not apologizing for blasting you.

[He'd done that. This is... Hakkai sits up straighter in the passenger seat, turning towards Gojyo, hands poised on his knees.]

I'm apologizing for hurting you.

[And the physical wounds are the least of it, over the last half-year they've spent taking alternating chunks out of each other.]

[ Oh. Of course. Of course he is. Of course this isn't over yet.

Gojyo turns, giving Hakkai the respect of a face-to-face confession. ]

It wasn't a dream. The other night? When you and Ayumu and Goku all came to check on my nightmare?

[ In retrospect, he'd have expected Goku to drop in. Ayumu he wouldn't have expected -- she's more likely to politely nag him the next day until he spills all his secrets.

Hakkai showing up? Well, that just makes him a better man than Gojyo is. ]

It wasn't a nightmare. [ He's certain about this -- he talked it over with Goku, so he's sure. ] There was a little youkai boy and a man-sized... I dunno. But it was mean, and they'd killed all of you. Or fake killed, anyway, [ he corrects himself, with an eyeroll. Goku had been adamant about that, that they weren't really dead, but it didn't change anything. ] In the memory, I thought you were dead. And I know I'd wished for it.

Did I ever admit to that?

[It's not news that it was a memory; it's not news what memory it was, either, because Goku had told him as much. It's not news, either, that the child and his monstrous 'brother' had gone after them because Gojyo had been talking carelessly about his asshole friends.

Hakkai's expression is curious, but not surprised.]

I don't think I can tell you that.

['Fake killed.' Well, at least Gojyo knows they hadn't really been murdered in that moment....]

But I knew, yes.

[ Yeah, yeah, he can't answer that question... except he kinda can, can't he? Gojyo nods, his theory confirmed. ]

Then until you go out and hire somebody to kill me, there's nothin' you owe me an apology for.

[He really isn't making it easy to apologize, Hakkai reflects; there's no way to get past an airy dismissal like that one without either being much too serious or skating too close to things Hakkai can't say.

There's no option, in other words. He lets out a breath, posture proper enough to look brittle, and murmurs:]

I still can't understand you.

[They'd fought, Gojyo had fought with his shinki, he'd refused even to acknowledge Hakkai showing up at his bar, and now-- what? He's trying for friendly banter, confessing memories, and brushing off the tension between them with It's okay, I probably tried to have you killed once?

Regardless, it looks like he's planning to walk away. Hakkai supposes he could start another fight about that if he wanted.

He feels brittle, hallucinations or no. He breathes out, and shifts over into the abandoned driver's seat, instead.]

[ If he could have one wish, Gojyo thinks, bitterly, just one wish... it would be to never again have somebody say I just don't understand you, ever again. ]

It's not that complicated. I finally listened. [ He listened to Hakkai, to Goku... to Sharak, when she was here. To Genjo, for the few hours they knew each other. To Doku. Everyone's been telling him the same thing, over and over, and over and over he's stuck his fingers in his ears and run the other way. But now, finally, he's listened. ] If I'm really Gojyo, and these memories really are mine, like you've all been tellin' me, then I'm responsible for the things I remember doing. I tried to get you all kil--

[ But he's interrupted as another earthquake rumbles down from the volcano, but it's just a little one, all rumble and no real movement. Still, Gojyo freezes, hands out and stance wide, until it passes. ]

I'm gettin' really tired of those.

[He could try making sense. Hakkai settles his hands on Jeep's wheel, the plastic still warm from Gojyo's hands, and his gaze jerks up and away to the mountains at the rumble of the quake. It doesn't linger, and the ground doesn't sway beneath them, this time.

Eventually, his gaze falls back to Gojyo, searching and dark.]

It's up to you what you want to take responsibility for. It's not...

[His breath slips out, unvoiced, and he has to inhale again before he can try to find words.]

It doesn't have anything to do with who you are. [Is Gojyo saying he's resisted the idea of being Gojyo because he's been resisting whatever guilt he's heaped on that identity? Whatever he thinks he'd done... Hakkai remembers him insisting that it was the scars on his body that made him worthy of blame, months ago. Now it's a memory he'd just gotten back, of a moment when casually telling stories to a little boy had drawn them all into an ambush.

There's always a reason, isn't there?]

I don't care who you think you are. I care who you think I am.

[ There's always a reason. Last time it took three years of domestic bliss plus who knows how many months on the road before Gojyo stopped hating himself just for existing. Here, with impulses he doesn't understand and conflicting stories about who he's supposed to be? He doesn't stand a chance. ]

Who I think you are? [ Gojyo's voice hardens, and he can't look at Hakkai except sideways. ] I think you're a spoiled brat, mostly.

[ He doesn't know if this is 'Gojyo'-like behavior or not, and right at this moment he doesn't much care. He's exhausted, it's been an emotionally turbulent afternoon, and what can he say? He's feeling honest. ]

I think you... are the kindest, most patient man who was ever born, so long as nobody disagrees with you. [ Just ask Ayumu about that. Or Sharak, for that matter. ] I think that you really love h-- me, but I think that sometimes, you wish I wasn't here. That I was wherever Sharak and Genjo and Tsuzuki are. [ Hakkai undoubtedly feels the jolt of grief at the mention of Tsuzuki -- that's a loss he won't be getting over any time soon. But he crushes it down quickly -- he's getting better at that part, at least.

Just like he's getting better at putting his thoughts into words. ]

And I don't think you know what you want. From me, from this place, from yourself, from any of it. I think you're every bit as lost and confused as I am, but you've got this idea that you're the boss, you're the one who has to make the hard decisions, so you won't ever ask for help. ...Because you think you're better than me.

[ But for all that vitriol, he's not angry. Not attacking. If anything, he sounds sad -- this is just the way things are, says his tone, says his posture, says the set to his jaw. This is just how his life is, and he's trying to be okay with it. ]

How close am I?

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