thenearshore | [Closed] What happens in fight club stays in fight club...

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[Closed] What happens in fight club stays in fight club...

Who: Shun and Ren
What: Card game ~~assholes~~ antiheroes have a post-fighting-lesson sleepover and talk about their respective dark pasts.
When: May 20th
Where: Nekhbet's Temple
Warnings: Discussion of war and likely PTSD and survivor's guilt at some point, others will be added if they come up.

[Shun and Ren's fighting lessons have become basically routine at this point, every three days like clockwork that's only thrown out of time by the few occasions Shun has to work, in which case it's picked up the next day and the cycle continues. Not even the more brutal lesson on the fourteenth had managed to stop the following one falling in line, and now it's the one after that, and as always, Shun's demanding a rest period afterwards to be sure he doesn't send Ren back out weak enough to make easy pickings.

This time, though, is a little different, because he's not sending Ren back out, and though they discussed this extensively enough a few days ago when Ren suggested it, Shun doesn't really get what the difference between a sleepover and sharing quarters with his allies is. But there is definitely one thing they agreed on when it came to "getting to know each other better", and after coming across from the tiny kitchen with both a jug of water and a pot of the most obnoxiously strong black coffee imaginable, cups already on the little coffee table in the other room, Shun drains a glass of water in about two and a half seconds before he switches to the coffee and gives his guest a level look.]

You did better today than last lesson, but I'd be surprised if you wanted to discuss something that obvious.

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[It was a bit of a surprise after their first lesson that Shun insisted on making sure he was all right before he left--maybe because he had been feeling so miserable and he had only come because he'd promised he would, not because he wanted to spend time with anyone that day.

But he's definitely grateful for it, especially on days like the fourteenth when he honestly felt lucky Shun hadn't broken anything, or today when he's still feeling a little dizzy and wobbly on his feet. And it's nice just sitting with Shun for a little while too--especially when sitting with him for a while means getting to have coffee. Shun's coffee is a little strong, but perfect for the conversation they're about to have, so Ren eagerly pours himself a cup as soon as the pot is set on the table.]

I was feeling better today than last lesson.

[That really isn't the point of the sleepover, though, and they both know it. His smile fades after a moment and he stares contemplatively down at the cup in his hands instead.

To be honest, he's a bit grateful that circumstances had meant postponing this until today. He'd really needed that time to feel comfortable with talking seriously about this. Telling it in story form was one thing; he could distance himself from that. And he was very fond of that kind of distance.

If he's actually going to be taking these lessons seriously, though, or the mostly seriously it's been so far, Shun should probably know what that means. And this feels much easier than sharing Psyqualia with Hibari. He wants Shun to know about it. And he wants to know Shun's story too.]

...Do you want me to go first?

[Taking a sip of his own coffee, Shun gives Ren the few moments he needs to consider things, and thinks himself about how exactly to frame this. It's always easier to speak about this sort of thing in the heat of battle, when he's calling for repayment in violence for the fates of his comrades and his home, and it's rare that he's not actually being forced to talk about it outside of that. But there's another lingering question to this, and it's one he's been trying not to think about for a long time for the sake of looking forward.

A question of regrets, and how many of them he actually has. He knows now that he threw everything away for one goal, right down to himself, and realising that hadn't been easy. But when it comes to acknowledging regret, that could mean hesitation, and hesitation means losing more people. He hadn't been planning to consider it until everything was over, but when he's trapped in this place for however long it chooses to keep him, he doesn't feel he can continue putting it off.

When Ren speaks again, Shun gives a short nod, all focus on him.]

I already know some of yours, so it'll be an easier start. [It'll be an easier start for other reasons, too, but that goes unmentioned for now.]

[Ren nods--slowly because otherwise it hurts--and takes a sip of his coffee too. That was also what he'd been thinking, that Shun already has some idea of his so it be a smoother start. He just has to decide exactly where to start. With Kai, obviously, but he can't just start with Kai...]

The start was a few years ago. I met Tetsu and we decided to form a team to go to Nationals--although, back then, we weren't very strong. Tetsu had only just started playing and I was only okay, and we weren't really working toward it that seriously. I mean, we thought we were at the time, but...

[He stops and waves a hand and takes another sip of his coffee. That's probably enough of that tangent. That isn't really the important part of this.]

Anyway, then we met Kai.

[And then he stops again, because he's definitely going to have to explain about the force of nature that is Kai Toshiki for this story to work, but he'd really rather just sit there and think about Kai for...well, for much longer than anyone would have patience for, much less Shun.]

Kai is...a lot like a wandering star, or a wildfire. I don't know if you've ever known someone like that? Someone whose spirit shines so brightly, you can't help becoming caught up in it and needing to be as close to it as possible, even though he can't help swallowing up anyone who gets near and burning them to nothing. He's like that even more now, but he was still a little like that even back then.

Edited 2016-12-02 01:16 (UTC)

[From the start, Shun's been prepared for this to be a long conversation, so even if he's settled in fully expecting to be listening for a while, he appreciates that Ren has some sense of when to stop a tangent that's not really contributing. For the moment, Shun's ignoring his own coffee, holding the cup by the top with his arm resting on one knee, more focused on knowing where this is going.

The way he cuts short the mention of the meeting to explain the person is telling enough that they're at the heart of all this, and even as Ren asks if he's met someone like that, Shun thinks on it as Ren continues to describe. By the end, he looks a little understanding of it, but still shakes his head.]

Nobody that burns like that. So you got caught up in it as well?

[Ren gives a short, awkward laugh.] I'm still caught up in it.

[If anything, Kai had only made it worse and worse with his little becoming-Void's-emissary stunt and then they way he'd gone after Aichi...but anyway.]

Kai joined our team, and for a while I was content with that. But Kai was also very good already, and he worked much harder than we ever did to get even better. I didn't want to let him down, or Tetsu.

So I threw everything I had into getting stronger. I visited card shops every day I could and played until they had to close. I read everything I could get my hands on about Vanguard. I switched clans and I worked on my deck until I fell asleep at my desk. Getting stronger for the sake of our team became the only thing I thought about.

[Basically, this was vastly more passion than he has ever showed during on of their lessons, even the first one when he had wanted to distract himself as much as possible from being upset about Hibari, pr the one the other day that he had certainly been taking seriously...but not this seriously. Whether Shun can correctly induce from that that he has been holding himself back...

He looks down at his coffee, suddenly seeming very interested in it, and as he goes on, his voice has that light quality it gets when he's talking about something that bothers him but he doesn't want to show how much.]

And then one night, I gained the power I thought I was looking for. I could hear the voice of my cards, and they promised to lead me to victory if I listened to them.

[Working hard to get better is definitely something understandable to Shun, so he doesn't remark on the initial comment about it. But he can definitely tell that's more than Shun's seen him put into anything here, and while he does register that it must mean he's holding back somewhat, he's currently more interested in whatever it is that made him stop. Because to go from something like that to how he is now, there has to have been something.

That tone is one Shun's heard a few times before by now, and that's how he knows they're getting into the more serious part of this. There have always been rumours and stories of card spirits in his world, but nothing he's ever seen come to pass, so the idea of that being reality in another world puts a somewhat guarded, but curious look on his face given the circumstances.]

And the story would've stopped there if you hadn't listened. [He doesn't really need the "if" answered, because the answer is obvious enough just by them being here right now.]

[Ren blinks at him like that is something he's never considered before...probably because if he's thought about "what if things had been different" at all, it's been wishing that he'd just never gotten that power. Not that he could have just not used it, despite that being pretty much what he does now.]

Oh. I guess it would have. [But here is another sheepish smile.] But I don't think I could have done it. That power, Psyqualia...it's addictive, in a way. I can ignore it now, but back then...I had never felt power like that, and it felt like all my dreams had just come true. Even if someone had said to me "just don't listen to them" I would have said "why shouldn't I? It's wonderful." Part of me still feels that way.

[It's been a while since Shun's seen anything but pursuit of power for the sake of power when it comes to things like that, but the idea of it being addictive isn't entirely new. Something like that, in that situation...even if it was for the sake of competition, he can easily see how the allure outstripped any thoughts of pushing it away.

The fact that he apparently still has it, though, surprises Shun a little, and he gives Ren one of those piercing looks he's so prone to when weighing people up.]

Then you must have an even stronger will now than I thought you did, to ignore that kind of draw when you still feel that way about it. That doesn't sound like an easy thing to turn your back on.

[Oh, they're getting to that.

And that's very flattering that Shun thinks that, but it's hard for him to really appreciate it when he knows a good part of it is disgust at the way he'd acted and fear of becoming that way again. Especially when he obviously doesn't have enough fear or willpower not to start to slip back into it here and there.]

That's nice of you to say. [Said with a clear undercurrent of "you wouldn't say that if you knew everything".] But you're right, sometimes it isn't very easy. Especially here. It feel like it's the only connection home I have here.

[There's always waiting for whatever mysterious force keeps giving people presents, too, but that really isn't the same thing. And anyway...]

I've already used it once, with Hibari.

[Why exactly is he trying to get Shun to reassess that reassessment that he actually liked hearing very much? Because he just feels like he needs to, that's why.]

[It's pretty clear from Ren's tone that he's trying to make Shun backtrack on that, and though Shun is just as attentive to Ren's reasoning here, he doesn't look particularly convinced that his own assessment is wrong. Especially if he's used it and hasn't started slipping back down that slope again.

Adding another mental notch to his list of reasons to dislike Hibari - because being trusted with that kind of knowledge isn't something to turn your back on - Shun closes his eyes in what might seem like a concession until he starts speaking again, tone firm.]

And you think not slipping further after doing that is going to change my mind? Call it what you like, but I'm not going to take back what I call it just because you don't agree. I'm not saying it to be nice.

[Whatever it's born of, it's willpower. Shun's own is born at least in part of hatred and desire for revenge, so he can hardly talk.]

[Well, if Shun's not going to change his mind about it...to be honest, Ren's not going to fight too hard to change it, other than just telling his story. Because he really does like having someone thinking positively about him even while knowing why he shouldn't (for the first time in almost three months).

Ren smiles a little and takes a couple more sips of his coffee before going on.]

The other thing about Psyqualia is it...changes you. Kind of. Everything it brought out was something that was already in there somewhere, but a lot of what it brought out was negative. I'm not very proud of the person I was while I was using it.

You heard a little of that in the story the other day. That was all at the end of it, though.

[In the break in words, Shun takes a sip of his own coffee before returning it to the position it was in before. Whether it gets cold or not in the interim doesn't really matter to him, anyway.

What Ren's describing sounds pretty typical of people given power, so even if it is some kind of special ability unlike anything in his own world, he gives an understanding nod.]

So this "Psyqualia" is the darkness that was introduced into your heart, or however it was you put it the other day. From the way you described your stand-in in that story, I can see why you wouldn't be proud of what you did when you were like that, but at least you're beyond that now.

[He's making sure he has his thoughts straight here, but he also doesn't want to diverge Ren too much from the point. It can just make a hard thing to talk about harder.]

[He sets his cup of coffee down and spends a moment rearranging himself so he's sitting crossed-legged in his seat instead.] I made it sound a little better in the story. The darkness is always there; Psyqualia just brought it out and made me aware of it.

[The present tense there is deliberate; it's not like his capability for cruelty and arrogance and hunger for power have gone away completely, he just doesn't indulge in them. Usually.]

I think I made my relationship to the other Knight and the Dragon and what I was doing to them sound a little more story-like too. At least, for what it was then.

[Now that's definitely something Shun can understand, and though he's still seated leaning on one arm of the couch instead of in any decent position to do this in, he straightens himself up a little with a knowing look.]

Everyone has darkness. It's just a matter of whether you can overcome it, or how much you give in to it.

[It's honestly a little humiliating that it took him this long to realise his, but then, that had been more of a blur to him, a slow descent rather than a slope straight down.]

Then what was it really? [The prompt is just that - not demanding or harsh, just a question of what had actually happened.]

[And that is why Ren is even telling him all this. Because He Gets It. And he is very eager to find out exactly why he gets it, instead of just knowing that he's had his own experiences that mean he actually gets it...but he can be patient.]

I really hope everyone I talked to the other day remembers that too, if something like that ever happens again.

[Not that he had ever come out and said it like that to anyone, but he's hoping the message still got through and hopefully in a way that made it seem like they came up with it themselves.]

Mmm, I'll have to start back where I left off... [Before he went into exactly how Psyqualia screwed him up and was still more in story-telling mode.]

I thought Kai and Tetsu would be proud of how much stronger I'd gotten. Tetsu...was afraid of it but he went along with it. Kai hated it and what it was doing to me. Eventually he challenged me to a fight to try to get me to snap out of it. But I won that fight. So Kai left.

[And here he has to pause again, just to stare at his coffee for a moment, because that moment it still hard to think about, even now that he understands why and doesn't think Kai was wrong for doing it.]

I was so angry. And I hated him so much for that...

[With a world like this one, where gods and demons run rampant and none of them even know what it is that brought them here, it doesn't feel unlikely that some of the kids who heard that story might run into decisions like that to make. Giving a small nod of agreement in response to that, Shun lets him go on with his tale.

While he knows which side he likely would've taken in a situation like that, he can somewhat understand both. Friendship leading people to go along with things they'd otherwise reject or fear is another thing he's experienced often enough, but challenging him to a fight is exactly the kind of thing Shun does instead, so he has to agree more with that reaction.

As Ren describes his reaction to Kai leaving, Shun's fingers tighten imperceptibly on his cup, an unreadable expression settling over his face. How long ago was it, really, that he was threatening to cut down Yuto for getting in his way?]

It felt like a betrayal, after all you thought you'd done for him. Like he didn't understand what you'd given for that goal.

[It's projecting, as might be obvious from the carefully detached tone, but it's also Shun's best guess based on his own experience.]

[It might be projecting, but it's projecting that's spot on, and Ren nods and slumps a little in his seat, relieved that he doesn't have to say it and that Shun seems to understand it.]

I didn't see him again for years after that. And a lot of what I did during that time, I did to spite him, or to prove him him that I was the one who was right, or to get even stronger so I could crush him when we met again. I used my power constantly; I terrorized a lot of people to forget about being lonely; I made our team into a company and recruited hundreds of people because he'd been upset about that idea, I won Nationals without him...

I spent most of that time angry and hating him from the bottom of my heart. I would have been a really awful shinki to have to deal with.

[He knows that from experience, since he can imagine that it would have been the same as having to live with Hibari's emotions. It had made it easier for him to live with them, but he still wouldn't wish that on anyone.]

[This sort of thing isn't quite as familiar to Shun as a lot of the rest of the story, but there's still points he can touch on and understand. Maybe the reasoning is different, but terrorising people is basically what he defined himself by in Standard, intentionally or not, and getting stronger to crush an enemy is still one of his major focuses now. The anger and the hatred, too, are close enough that he can't do anything but nod in agreement with Ren's last remark.]

You wouldn't have been the only one. Forgetting where that anger and hate was aimed would probably have just made it worse.

[Coming to a place like this with feelings like that and not remembering what they were born of could've gotten very bad, very quickly. From the sound of things, both of them went off the rails far enough even knowing what they were aiming for.]

[Ren hums a little and thoughtfully runs a finger along the edge of his cup.]

It doesn't seem very fair to some of them that they have to keep their feelings but can't remember why they have them. When I forgot--

[He cuts himself off before he goes too far off onto that tangent. That's just going to be confusing if he goes into that right now.]

Well, that's way after all this, so maybe I'll talk about that later.

[Sooo, next up in his story would be...probably Aichi. He reaches up a hand to toy with a lock of his hair that for some reason had turned Aichi's color of blue three days ago. That had been unnerving, walking into the bathroom and seeing Aichi looking back at him in the mirror. Well, Aichi if he ever grew his hair out.]

Anyway, then I met Aichi-kun. [Who is another force of nature in his own right, so...] Aichi-kun is another star, but he's more like the sun. Bright and warm and life-giving but still dangerous if you're careless. He's the White Knight from the other day.

I didn't actually think much of him the first time I met him, but then I found out Kai had joined his team. Aichi-kun then was so shy and skittish and unpolished, and Kai had joined his team. It was insulting, and I wasn't very nice to Aichi-kun about it. He was in my way and I couldn't stand it.

[He pauses, idly wrapping his hair around his finger, and smiles a little. He'd smiled at the time when he'd figured out this next bit too, but this own is a much fonder, more wistful smile than that had been.]

But then after a while, I realized he'd gained the same power I had.

Edited 2016-12-03 04:00 (UTC)

[It's still really weird seeing that colour change on Ren, but Shun had gotten over it at about the point he'd elected not to just close the door and walk away in abject refusal to engage when he opened it to that. Letting him leave that particular side note for later - though Shun definitely can't say he isn't curious about it - he listens in silence. He could probably say he's met more people like this one than like the wildfire metaphor, because more than one person springs to mind immediately on that description.

When Ren talks about not being able to stand having Aichi in his way, Shun's expression becomes a little closed again, another of those moments he's relating to this more than he expected to. Again, different reasons, but "in my way" had been about all it took to make an enemy of Shun not long ago.

From the look on Ren's face right now, Shun feels like there's a gap to be filled in there.]

Did he give in to it as well, or did he surpass it?

[This is probably not the best time to be smiling and blase about things, but he can't really help it. Everything had turned out fine in the end and Aichi had only been addicted to Psyqualia for a few weeks, and if he can't laugh at himself once in a while for how awful he'd been, it'll just make him more miserable in the end, really.]

Oh, he gave into it too, for a while. I encouraged him. I knew it would hurt Kai, and...I really liked knowing there was someone else. Not just because I felt like it proved I was right; it was just nice not being alone. And he was really something to watch while he was addicted to it.

[There is maybe a tiny part of him that's disappointed he'll never get to see or fight that Aichi again. It's better for Aichi and everyone else this way, and it's not like Aichi isn't stronger than almost anyone in his own right, but...it really had been something to see.]

Kai was strong enough by then to beat him and knock some sense into him, though. So he did surpass it eventually. And then Kai decided that because he could do that, he was strong enough to challenge me again too.

[He pauses and thoughtfully taps his chin.]

And that's about where I was when you showed up the other day.

[It's really not a stretch for Shun to believe that not being alone was a big motivator there, because he remembers that feeling as well, and though he'd driven himself into paranoia rather than drag anyone down with him, it's not really much better, all things considered. He'd just wanted to get rid of everyone he didn't already trust.

It's probably a good thing they passed the issue of Ren's enjoyment of certain things Shun considers a little strange the other day, though, or he'd be looking more askance at that mention of how he was to watch when addicted. As it is, Shun just lets it pass with no more than a furrow of the brow that more says he doesn't quite get that emotion.

When the story comes up again, Shun takes only a moment to remember the outline of it, and his response is almost immediate.]

Kai lost again, and Aichi fought you instead?

Mmm, Kai tried really hard, too. I tried to make it up to him later.

[It's not really relevant to this particular conversation to mention he failed, though.]

I was really angry with both of them for rejecting me, so I did want to destroy Aichi-kun during that fight, like I said. And during the fight, I decided the best way to do that was make him become what he hated again.

I think I said in the story it didn't work but...it did, for a little while. But he decided he could accept his darkness and me, and he won.

[He pauses again and makes a slightly confused face at his coffee, because he's not actually sure where to go from that. That was the end of it and he was better after that, but it wasn't really because Aichi had reached out to him or because Kai was waiting for him. It had just...happened, really.]

And then I'm not really sure what happened. We were both using our power, so it made things weird...It felt like I was just pulled out of it. Or maybe like my anger just got pulled out of me. Suddenly I could see clearly what I'd been doing and how I'd been hurting my friends and how much more fun it had been before...it was like waking up from a bad dream because someone threw water in my face.

[That explains the mention of corruption in the story, then. Shun can't even say it wasn't a smart tactic, either, even if it was obviously dirty. Even not knowing the person in question, he knows it must've taken a lot of strength to accept those things and win, especially if the manipulation did work for a while.

Honestly, he looks just as confused as Ren about the aftermath. He supposes he can see some sense of what he means, but when it happens in his world usually it's because someone reached out and didn't let up until their message had made it through, rather than it happening through a victory pure and simple. And it's not even like it's a rare thing in his world, either.]

Maybe it was because both of you were using that power. If he could overcome it and accept it, maybe losing to it like that had an effect on you and yours. [He definitely doesn't sound sure about that, though, since he's basically spitballing here.]

Maybe. Or maybe it was his wish and something granted it because he won.

[Either or those thing sound like a perfectly reasonable possibility to him, because he really has no idea what it was. Aichi's unit had been there and done something...but that isn't much more of an explanation.]

I do think that was had something to do with it. We both lost it for a little while after that, so maybe that was it too.

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