thenearshore | 32 - Blow Your Top

[And now he's lying. Hakkai considers pointing that out, but if Gojyo isn't going to trust him while he's hallucinating, that's... reasonable, actually.

He sucks in a breath, and forces his eyes open, turning back towards the road, and reaching out to take Gojyo's elbow, as much to offer support as to give himself something to focus on. There are still figures flitting through the fog all around (and he's not, even, wholly certain there's fog. That could just be him.)

He might be able to heal, but he's not stupid enough to attempt to teleport in this state. He follows Gojyo back towards the road, flinching towards Gojyo with each attack he thinks he sees. They're not there. He knows they're not there now, and so he is, at least, managing to prevent himself from outright throwing himself between the shadow figures and Gojyo.]

He's by the side of the road. Can you drive?

[If not, they might have to leave it to Jeep. He can't trust what he sees-- which means he's as likely to drive onto a road that's not real as he is to dodge imaginary enemies.]

[ It's not a long walk, but it seems to take years. Hakkai's a twitching mess, jumping at every gust of wind or rattle of leaves, sometimes at nothing at all. They're trying to get us, he'd said. They. Is it a specific they, he wants to ask? Or just monsters?

He won't ask.

He spots Jeep before Hakkai says anything... and if a car could be said to be uneasy, then that's one uneasy car. ] I don't know! [ --he laughs; his arm's a white-hot ball of pain, now that the shock is fading, but he's determined not to let Hakkai know how bad it is. Not yet, anyway. ] I've never driven a car before. Guess we're gonna find out!

[ Jeep might be uneasy, but it -- he? -- is also solid, and Gojyo leans into his fender with relief. ]

Hi, car. [ He pats the hood like he'd pat a dog. ] Hakkai's seeing things, so I'm gonna drive. Be nice, okay?

[Jeep, at least, still looks like himself. Hakkai leans against him with unconcealed relief, and deliberately closes his eyes against the leaping shadows.

It's all right. It will be fine.

The engine rumbles nervously, and Hakkai makes his way around the car, keeping one hand on the metal to guide himself, and only stumbling on one fist-sized cinder. He nearly falls into the passenger seat.

Gojyo has a tight, nervous edge to his voice under the simulacrum of cheer. Hakkai finds himself wishing this had just been a nightmare; Gojyo's not the first person he's seen attacking today. What else has he done?

He has no idea.]

Let's just get out of this fog. I'll be fine then.

[He still isn't sure if there's really fog.

He supposes Gojyo's reaction will be the test.]

[ He's seeing fog? Gojyo settles himself into the driver's seat, and pointedly doesn't look at Hakkai. ]

'Course you will.

[ He's not entirely certain how to drive a car -- and he's definitely not sure how to drive a living car! -- but it can't be that hard. The engine's already rumbling, so he just needs to hit the gas and steer. Right? ]

These things always wear off. It wasn't your fault.

[Hakkai has his eyes closed again; Jeep's engine goes from a rumble to a hoarse purr as he feels the car jolt and begin to move forward. His hand is clenched on the edge of the seat, knuckles white.

It'll wear off soon enough. The reek of sulfur from the volcanic gases almost, but not quite, conceals the smell of Gojyo's blood.

How serious is the injury? What didn't he see, in favor of imagining a wound that was never real?]

What I do is my fault whether or not I meant it.

[He's hardly paying attention to what he says.]

[ Gojyo isn't taking his eyes from the road. There's none of the fog that Hakkai's seeing, none of the attackers, but something attacked Hakkai. Something made him hallucinate, and Gojyo's on the lookout to make sure the same thing doesn't happen to him.

That doesn't mean he's not listening, however. ]

I guess... [ he says, after a long pause, ] ...that I've been sayin' it was your fault for so long that I can't really take it back now. [ He might change his mind every five minutes, but he can't pretend like the things he said weren't said. ] It's still not your fault, though. You were seein' things.

Youkai assassins. [He still is seeing things, although with his eyes closed the shadows are blending almost completely into the darkness of his eyelid. It's disorienting, and he's going to be motion-sick at this rate.

He is, at least, feeling less confused. He knows where he is, and why there aren't really legions of youkai assassins combing the hills.]

It could have been something original, but no.

[He dares to open his eyes, holding himself rigidly still as something more demonic than youkai leaps at him, all red teeth and spider legs, and, of course, imaginary. It's a good thing he's not driving.]

And it's not just my fault because you've blamed me for things. It's my fault because I did it. When this wears off, you will let me heal it, won't you?

[He'd meant that to sound firm. It comes out fragile. Healing a wound doesn't change the fact that he inflicted it, of course, but it's something. Something he can hope Gojyo's willing to accept, because it's the only kind of meaningful apology he can make.]

[ Youkai assassins makes sense, actually. That was a thing that Hakkai dealt with a lot, as far as he's been able to tell. Being attacked like that, it's got to stick with you.

Hakkai's lived through a lot of really scary stuff, hasn't he? No wonder he's so fucked up. Really, it's kinda amazing that he's as together as he is. ]

You're damn right you're gonna heal it. [ Jeep's wheel is firm in his hand, the seat clearly not used to his ass. But he's doing okay driving, he thinks, for not having any memory of ever driven before. They haven't crashed yet! The car hasn't kicked him out and bitten him! This isn't so bad. ] You're gonna heal this break, too.

[ It's been a month and it's nearly healed, but he keeps doing stuff like trying to push car-sized boulders up a lava-covered hillside. ]

If, uh. If you're good with that.

[It's been weeks and Gojyo's broken arm still needs healing? Hakkai has to bite back the reflex to scold him. Hasn't he been taking care of it at all? Has he even put anything on it but that little temporary splint?

What stops him is the cold knowledge that he doesn't have the right. He closes his eyes again, shutting out the fading phantoms in favor of his own, familiar set.]

Of course.

[From the silent treatment to banter. He wonders just how much blood Gojyo's losing. Just in case, he offers:]

My head is much clearer.

[ He's not bleeding that badly. His delirium is from pain and shock, mostly, not bloodloss. Pain, and shock... and the fear of something happening to the man sitting next to him.

His grip on the wheel tightens. ]

Good.

[ Hakkai could have really hurt somebody, if he hadn't been there. Hakkai could have killed someone. What would that do, to a guy who's already full of guilt over a thousand other murders?

Gojyo darts a glance at him, out of the corner of his eye. Hakkai's got his eyes shut, but Gojyo's pretty sure he can still see, the sneaky bastard. It could have been really bad, today, for both of them.

It's a good thing his hand is fucked up. Otherwise he might to something stupid, like reach over there. ]

Hey, so. [ If he stays in his head he's just gonna think about stuff he shouldn't be thinking about. Better to keep all his thoughts out in the open, where certain topics are still taboo. ] Do me a favor, though, will you? Don't tell anyone about this.

[ For anyone, read Chikusa and Ken. ]

I don't want another visit from somebody wantin' to talk about my feelings.

[The corners of Hakkai's closed eyes tighten, showing for a moment where the wrinkles will be if he lives into old age.]

I've ordered them not to bother you anymore.

[Chikusa and Ken, at least. Goku doesn't take Hakkai's orders, and besides, if Hakkai tried to order him not to bother Gojyo about this, he's fairly sure that Goku would punch him.

He'd prefer if none of them took his orders, but if he can't stop the teenagers from being frighteningly loyal, he's not above taking advantage of it, when he has to.]

[ Hakkai sounds... Gojyo doesn't know. Mad, maybe. Upset. He frowns, leaning into a turn that he's probably taking a bit too fast. They'd been doing pretty well there, for a minute, talking like two people who didn't hate each other. Do they have to go back to being all terse and cold, now that Hakkai's not seeing shit anymore?

Maybe they don't have to. Maybe there's somewhere between declarations of love (which Hakkai apparently never quite believed -- Gojyo swallows hard and pushes that thought away) and declarations of war. Maybe... maybe they can talk like friends.

He'd like to be friends. It might not be possible, but there's a Hakkai sized hole in his life right now, and no amount of pretending or distractions or anger has done anything other than rub that hole raw. He can breathe better, when Hakkai's nearby. And if Hakkai feels the same, then... then maybe.

He's not ready for love, but maybe they could try like? ]

They really care about you. [ Nope, that's too serious. He tries again, with a laugh: ] Ken almost hurt himself, tryin' to get me to pour my heart out to him. I felt kinda bad.

[Ken had come away from that conversation passionately trying to convince Hakkai that Gojyo was an awful person who didn't care about him one single bit. Hakkai's breath puffs out, pained, and he reaches up to pull his monocle free so that he can rub his eyes and attempt opening them again.

This time, nothing leaps at him, although it's still foggy, and the edges of his vision waver. Gojyo's on his blind side, and so, like the ostrich, he can pretend he's not being watched.]

I'm sorry.

[It's useless and stupid, and he sounds like some kind of wind-up doll to his own ears. Pull the string for platitudes.

But what else is he supposed to say? Is Gojyo trying to cheer him up? Is this supposed to be a happy anecdote? One of those conversations had ended with him a slumped heap on the library floor and Chikusa dragging him away, and Hakkai had nearly swallowed his tongue at the sight.

Today he's the one who'd nearly killed Gojyo. If he'd stuck his head out from behind that tree instead of his arm--

He sits very straight in the passenger seat, and tries not to look miserable.]

[ Okay.

Okay then. No, it's fine. It is. It's more than fine, really -- it's fair. He's been hot and cold at Hakkai for months now -- why did he think it was a good idea to try and be friendly now, of all times? They aren't there yet. Maybe they won't ever be.

He's been cruel and petty and made horrible horrible decisions, he's spent weeks accusing Hakkai of things that it turns out he didn't do... he hasn't been a friend.

And there's no way in hell he's going to sit here and drown in self-pity, not when Hakkai can feel it! He lifts his head, sets his jaw, and nods, just once. He can be 'Gojyo', and 'Gojyo' doesn't mope. ]

I think we're almost there. How are you doing?

[Hakkai's chest aches, sharply, and Gojyo's voice goes brisk and practical, and, ah, he thinks, maybe it wasn't just blood loss after all, maybe this is some kind of wildly ill-chosen olive branch. He's trying to speak well of Ken, isn't he?

He turns his head, careful and slow, to see Gojyo in the driver's seat, looking ahead, jawline drawn with tension. His throat is intact. His throat is intact-- tension abruptly runs out of Hakkai's posture, rounding his shoulders, crumpling him in around the ache behind his breastbone. He fumbles with his monocle as he tries to conceal his collapse by settling it back in place.]

I, ah, I'm not seeing things any longer.

[It slips from his hand and falls, sliding under Jeep's seat. His lips thin to hold back a curse, and he carefully puts one hand over his face, trying to hold back unformed white-hot fury at himself, this place, the stupid volcano, the stupid situation. His fingertips tremble against his eyebrow.

Still, even barely forcing himself under control, he can't resist looking again, checking Gojyo's face, his throat, gaze dropping with a flinch to check the fresh wound on his arm.]

[ The wound is bad -- he's lucky he didn't lose his arm. He's holding his arm up in front of his stomach, where it's not touching anything, and small wonder: from just past his elbow all the way to the backs of his fingers his hand is a red and black mess, covered in freshly formed blisters. If he'd moved a hair slower, if his arm had been a hair more exposed... ]

I'm glad to hear it. [ He's not slowing down, though -- there's no telling what caused Hakkai to see things, and it would be stupid to assume that the danger's passed. Best to get all the way off the volcano, for Hakkai's sake. ] Any idea what happened?

[It's frankly amazing that he's driving, and not in shock. Hakkai's eyes widen, slightly, as he gets a better look at the real wound.]

No. I'd met a few people today who seemed to be confused, or seeing things, but--

[But no one he'd known well enough to make him truly suspicious of their state. In the middle of a crisis, people can become confused or lash out, after all. His lips thin: clearly he should have put more weight on those encounters.]

I didn't notice it happening to me. Are you-- you haven't seen anything strange today, have you?

[He's pulling himself back together, sitting up straighter in his chair, but the concern on his face isn't hidden.]

[ He can endure a lot of pain, apparently. Not something he really wanted to know about himself, but it's proven useful.

He also may be dissociating somewhat... but that's fine. Just because he feels like he's floating a little outside his body doesn't mean he can't drive! ]

I saw a volcano. [ His deadpan is amazing. But then he frowns a little, thinking hard -- had he seen anything strange? ] And there was a kid, maybe ten or so? With lava powers. I'm pretty sure he was real, though.

I saw a volcano too.

[He matches Gojyo's deadpan, briefly giving in to the habit of banter. Whether they have the right to or not -- whether it feels right or not -- there's something comforting in it regardless.

He turns his head, scanning the terrain. They're almost down into the foothills; they can stop soon.

(And, scanning the terrain, he can avoid letting Gojyo see the sharper worry on his face.)]

Another child with strange powers?

[ Hakkai may have to tell Gojyo to stop, then, since Gojyo's still planning on getting them both as far from the volcano as possible. ]

Yeah. Sotaro or Sotero, something like that. A real little brat.

[ That part's not deadpan -- Sotaro had gotten under his skin, a little. ]

He's a god, from outside the Far Shore... but not an old god. He said he snuck himself in here, but he wouldn't tell me how. [ Was that it? It hadn't been a long conversation. ...Oh, right. ] And he knows Votelli. [ Dryly: ] He thinks she's stupid.

[Well, that explains why Gojyo doesn't like him. Knowing, and badmouthing, Votelli would probably be enough. Still, a god from outside the Far Shore who knows her is specific enough that he almost has to be involved, doesn't he?

Hakkai nods, slowly. There's a shoulder to the road ahead, wide enough that it could fit two of Jeep, and he points at it.]

Whoever's behind this, they like using child gods, don't they? -- You can pull over there, Gojyo. I should see to your arm.

[He barely hesitates over the words, but it's still enough to keep his voice from quite achieving 'brisk.']

[ Hakkai points, and he turns off immediately, tires jerking to a dusty stop as he hits the brakes too hard. ]

Sorry, [ he mutters, giving the steering wheel a pat, still not looking at Hakkai. Not until he half turns in the seat, holding his damaged arm between them. Only then does he look up.

His poker face really is terrible. He's trying for a blank sort of professionalism... but mostly he just looks quietly unhappy. Unhappy, and stoically holding back a hell of a lot of pain -- it's okay when he holds his arm still, but every time he has to move it, it screams at him. ]

However much you can do is okay. [ How much can Hakkai do, without his potions and bandages and all the accessories he inherited as Li Tieguai? ] And I was just joking about the break, don't worry about that.

[ He wasn't joking -- the bone still isn't entirely healed -- but Hakkai's just been through a lot. If he's too tired, and pushes himself too hard, then couldn't he hurt himself trying to heal Gojyo? That wouldn't help either of them. ]

I wasn't joking. [Gojyo's trying to look stoic, but there's pain etched deeply on his face. Hakkai inhales, exhales, and reaches out, channeling energy into his palms in a warm rush of light as he crosses his hands over Gojyo's wound. He's careful not to actually touch the blistered skin; it's fragile, and if Gojyo's showing how much it hurts, it must be agonizing.

And, besides, he feels scraped sufficiently raw by the whole situation. Touching Gojyo, deliberately, knowing that they're both awake and alive, seems like a bridge much too far.

He focuses on the depths of the wound first, soothing inflammation and prodding damaged and seared muscle into regrowth, with an unnecessary, guiltily profligate rush of energy.

Chikusa, he's quite sure, would shout at him for that. So would Ken. Neither of them need to know; he'd done this, after all. The damaged flesh and the cracked, strained and callousing bone beneath are both his fault, as much as the blood he'd imagined had been his fault.

He'd understand, he thinks, blinking against slight lightheadedness as he encourages that half-built, abused bone callous to strengthen (Gojyo has been doing far too much on a broken bone) -- he'd understand if Gojyo would blame him for the things he's done. Those are certainly bad enough.]

[ Hakkai's hands light up, and Gojyo carefully, intentionally, with great effort, doesn't react. He's seen Hakkai use his energy to heal others -- he has no reason to be afraid. 'Gojyo' would never be afraid of Hakkai.

His breath catches, as Hakkai reaches out with his energy -- an onlooker might take it to be pain, but it's anything but. Hakkai's energy is warm -- almost uncomfortably so, like a blanket in the summertime -- but it's welcome. Safe. Or if not safe, then definitely familiar.

He wants to watch, watch to follow in awed amazement as his broken skin pinks over, as the blisters subside, wants to monitor Hakkai's condition, make sure he isn't straining himself... but instead he has to look away. It's too much.

It's like being held, like Hakkai's holding his hand but in a way that he can feel all the way down into his bones. In every blood vessel, every string of tendon. He knew the basics of the process, but he'd never imaged it was this... intimate.

Good thing his arm hurts so much, he thinks, and chokes on his laugh. Otherwise he'd be hard as a rock, and wouldn't that be embarrassing!

It's possible he might be a little loopy from the endorphins. ]

That's, uh. I think that's good enough.

Not quite. [Hakkai's tone is stubborn; his hands are shaking slightly with the strain, after a day of driving and healing, but he's done far more than this before, healed far more serious wounds. And, besides, if Gojyo's going to be helping with the volcano's effects -- and he's sure Gojyo will -- his arm can't be only half-healed.

He'll just injure it again if it is.

(And, of course, the guilt is still a live coal under his diaphragm; wiping away the wounds won't quench it, he knows, but it will help.)

When the last of the wound is sealed over with clean skin, he'll lift his hands away, and take a breath, before twisting to the side to hunt for his monocle under the seat.]

... How does it feel?

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